Complaint After Complaint

We're Over a year old!

Mike Literman — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 09:06:48 PDT

It’s true. CAC has been complaining about what ails us and what we have to deal with for over a year and now it’s your turn to let us know what you’d like to see more of.

Please, help us out by letting us know what you’d like to see more of.

Helpful posts include:
“I would like to see more posts on people that don’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom when I can clearly still see poo remnants on their hands.“
or
“Why do people in third world countries still eat bugs. Haven’t they ever heard of McDonald’s?“

Feedback is highly appreciated and encouraged by all of us at CAC. Thanks for all your help.

Airport Parking

Mike Literman — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 08:58:32 PDT

Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t know how this situation is in your parts, but in mine, it is absolute garbage.

My girlfriend took a trip to Mexico to hopefully get me a sugar skull that says “Hank” or “Dean” and eat pounds of sushi in a country known for tacos. Nonetheless, you’ve got a decision when you get to the airport. This decision is as follows:
1. Park in “Short Term Parking”
2. Park in “Long Term Parking”
Since I was just dropping her off, helping her get her luggage in, and then leaving, I figured I would be there for a half an hour so I would park in Short Term. So I did. Fifteen minutes later I was back in my car, windows down, music up, approaching the exit gate. I get out my ticket that says I have been parked for sixteen minutes and say to myself, “Duder, you did a good job. You got in and out and it’s been shorter than you thought. You just put that ticket in the machine, and head home and go back to bed.” so I did…only to find out that it’s $4 to park in Short Term parking. I know that $4 isn’t a lot of money, but it’s the principle. What hurt even more is the fact that if I had parked in Long Term, I could have stayed for two hours before I would have had to pay a single cent.

Now I know for a fact that it used to be free for the first thirty minutes in short term, so why would they change it? Secondly, why would you park in Long Term parking if you are only dropping someone off. That just makes you a jerk that’s taking up valuable parking spots in the Long Term lot. Parking is not a pleasurable experience anywhere, as you should know by now, but seriously, why would you even name the two what you have named them if you are going to reward people for getting in and out as soon as possible for parking in a lot specifically named for it’s use of “Long Term Parkers”?

The naming committee should be fired and that short term lot should just be destroyed in the most gratuitous way possible since it proves to have no advantage over the other lot.

Parking Problems

Mike Literman — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:08:54 PDT

I know, I know. I’ve touched this topic before, but seriously, no one will learn. First off, I am an idiot. I will admit that. Ladies? Don’t you love a man who will admit when they are wrong? Well I am not in the mood for you to get your lady hands all over me so find someone else to fondle. I love my car. I love my bike. With this being said, I don’t love a lot of things. Burritos, that’s another one. Pizza? You bet. Coming home early so that I can be “green” and ride my bike to work and not being able to find a spot ever…not something I love.

With that being said, let’s go back to the time that I called myself an idiot. Remember that? Well I live on a street with a hospital on it, so everyone who makes that one trip to visit their grandma or see their stupid little brother that broke his arm jumping from couch to couch over the weekend when mom and dad went out to get lunch and left you and him along for an hour.

My complex is not too bad. It’s close to stuff I like and people that I love, but seriously…there is a parking ramp across the street from the hospital. Use it so that people who pay too much in rent and actually live in the houses and don’t have a garage or driveway like you lucky people in the suburbs can park somewhere.

So enjoy that global warming feeling today because I was trying to cool things down a notch with the ol’ BMX. It’s better when it’s warm out, anyhow.

Constant Braking In The Winter

Mike Literman — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:26:06 PST

Sometimes it’s hard to drive in the snow. I know that my car is actually pretty terrible and I am a good winter driver. Because of that, I take it a little slower on turns and have mastered counter steering and E-Brake slides. I’m ready for what the winter has to throw at me. Let me tell you who is not ready in a segment I’d like to call, “Why are you braking?”

Imagine, if you will, a bad storm. I don’t know if you like in snowy areas like I do, but for you tropical folks, imagine driving through those wicked hurricane-esque thunderstorms and we will be on the same page. So we’re driving. We’re driving 10+ under the speed limit and we might even still be going a little fast, but we know how to drive so we are under control. We are at 10 and 2 or that new one that they decided was better or we drive a stick and are just intently clutching and shifting to best suit the weather. Then we approach a car, or in 98% of cases, a minivan with their brake lights on. So you have to do that “almost woah” brake because their could be something in front of that car like a deer or an accident or a snow dune or whatever. You drive behind this person for what feels like an eternity but is only a quarter mile. They have hit the brakes at least fourteen times and you are baffled and have no idea what could be in front of them. You decide to pass them only to find that there is nothing in front of them and they are just driving like a dick. It happens to me every time it snows like crazy. People just tap the breaks constantly. You know what you can do to save me the headache and you the cost of new brakes every other week? Drive slower. That’s it. Less gas means that you don’t need the brakes so much. It’s so easy it’s amazing that you hadn’t thought of it earlier. Well, you were probably too busy braking to think of it. Trade in your car for a bus pass and get off the road because you are going to kill someone driving like an asshole way before you spin off the road.

Dudes who wear shorts in the winter

Mike Literman — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:12:59 PST

It’s cold in winter. You know it, I know it. I was driving home the other day and the thermometer in my car told me it was -5° outside. I’ve never seen it that cold without the wind chill. It was nice in my car and I didn’t have a jacket on, but that’s because I was in the car for over three hours on my way home from Pennsylvania. The windows were freezing, though. I could breathe and fog up my windows and it was easily 70° in my car. So why do you wear shorts in the winter? I don’t think that it’s a manly thing. Have you just watched Survivorman or that one where the British guy pees on everything. Well you’re not. You’re some dude that probably has a drawer of pants that are collecting dust because their jerk owner is wearing shorts on days where thermal underwear is not out of the question. Is it because you don’t live with your parents anymore and don’t have to worry about your mom saying, “Put a jacket on. You’re going to get frostbite.” like mine did. I am happy that she did because when you are outside with your jean shorts and hoodie and gloves and winter hat, half way acknowledging that it is cold enough for winter clothes, I am wearing pants and am pretty bundled up.

I hope that you have insurance for when the hospital has to amputate your stupid bare legs. I’m just concerned, you know?

Brass Knuckles as Decoration?

Andrea — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 09:44:38 PST

okay, here’s a phenomenon that seems almost exclusive to scene trash. are you really wearing a little silver or pink brass knuckles charm around your neck? i mean, honestly? this is ALMOST as ridiculous as gun tattoos on the hips with the exception of the fact that tattoos are permanent and you could potentially remove your brass knuckles necklace and throw it in the trash and pretend that you were never stupid enough to go to www.trashvilleusa.com and buy such a thing in the first place. i mean, have you ever even SEEN real brass knuckles? probably not. do you even care? again, probably not.
let’s go through a quick rundown of the types of girls who wear these things, shall we?
so along with a brass knuckles charm necklace a really good piece of scene trash might also have a pair of flats with hot pink skulls on them, cheap skinny jeans, a pinup girl tattoo, a headband with cherries on it, and a horrific haircut that is an embarrassing combination of asymmetry, long-in-the-front-short-in-the-back (a reverse mullet, if you will), and botched self-color work.
you should be ASHAMED of yourself. go give a hummer to the guy with the red and black hair and the crossed revolvers belt buckle. i hope your brass knuckles necklace strangles you as you sleep passed out on someone’s dirty apartment floor.

Incompetency vs. Attitude

Andrea — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 09:29:46 PST

so here’s the deal, when i am entering any place of business from a doctor’s office to a bank to a hardware store, i expect to be treated as though my business is welcome. working in the service industry myself, i know it is not particularly hard to welcome customers unless they are rude to you first. i’m polite to those receptionists when i enter the doctor’s office, i expect them to return the favor.
now, i get that you hate your tedious job and you want to take it out on me because my job is more fun than yours AND i probably make more money and am 20 years your junior, but IF you MUST be rude to me could you AT LEAST be able to do your job well? i am positive i’d be more patient about your stinky attitude if you were able to help me make an appointment without crossing your eyes at me like i’m asking you to split an atom when i asked you to schedule an appointment for me. you’ve got two options, rudeness or incompetency. you do not get to do both. those two qualities do not go well together. i mean really, you have to be kidding me. especially the old woman who takes my co-pay, seriously, i will reach across that counter and yank the wig off her head if it’s the last thing i do.
so seriously, get your shit together people. you don’t get to be a jerk to me because i am asking you to perform a seemingly simple task that isn’t just a part of your job but it literally IS your ENTIRE job. please believe that the minute i see you raise one eyebrow at me like i am inconveniencing you i will do my best to make sure i am the most unpleasant person you’ve dealt with in years.
and yes, i did use a picture from don’t tell mom the babysitter’s dead for this entry.

Kinko's

Mike Literman — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 07:03:57 PST

You know what you are? You are one of two things.
1. You are a poor kid that needs a job in the “tech” field.
2. You are a crappy graphic artist who can’t hack it in the art world so you decide to act like you are better than everyone that comes into Kinko’s

It’s true. You employees think that you are so smart when you don’t even know how to use the machine’s that surround you for your one eight hour shift per week. Practice makes perfect and you have not practiced. I go to Kinko’s when I need copies. It’s nothing hard and I could take care of the math at home, but if I’ve got something that’s 11×17 and need to get it down to print on a standard, 8.5×11 sheet of paper, I understand that there will be extra blank space on the sides due to the ratio difference. Just do what I ask for. I went yesterday with just this situation and said, “Could I have this print copied so that it tiles four on an 8.5×11?”. The guy said he could and then ran an unnecessary $2 print on the color machine even though the print was black and white and proceeded to print four on an 11×17. See my problem? You’re an idiot. It’s simple. I could do it but you approached me so I thought you could do it with less tests than me. Let’s do some basic math to baffle the employees shall we?

If the initial paper is 11×17 and we need it to fit on a page 8.5×11 we have to know where the cropping is going to happen. The first page is going to have to crop down due to the uneven ratios so we have to shrink it down so that the 17 fits into 11.
11/17 = appx. 65%
So there. If we make the print 65% smaller, we can fit it on the desired sheet. There will be about an inch and a half on one side, but we don’t even care about that. So there, we’ve done it. We’ve outsmarted Kinko’s again with 5th grade math.

Stop charging me for your mistake and stop hiring kids that don’t know how to work the machines that you pay them to use.

Bringing kids into head shops

Mike Literman — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 11:31:59 PST

Ugh…

I should just leave it at that. Right there. Done…but I can’t. Sorry friends. People kill me. They will be the death of me. Sometimes I want to take care of myself myself. There is a lot of things that I will miss, but some things I will not miss a single percent. For example…

I was driving down the street yesterday, on my way to get a nice lunch with my girlfriend. Morale was high. Spirits were high. Then I came to a stop light and caught something out of my peripheral vision. There was a group of people walking down the street. To my recollection, there was two women and three men. On top of that, there was a stroller and one of the women was carrying an infant on her shoulder under a blanket. On this particular corner, there are a series of shops. Grocery on the left, eyeglasses and restaurant on the right. “Mike, that’s only three shops. Isn’t there supposed to be four?“ Why yes, there is. The last spot on this particular corner was a head shop. “What’s a head shop?“. Seriously? I don’t even do drugs and I think that my mom, who also doesn’t do drugs told me what it was. I think that she told me when I was young, too. How I retained that I have no idea.

So I am on the corner for the worlds longest red light and I am looking at this family thinking, “Please don’t go into that place.” and about twenty seconds later, they went in there.

What part of you would think that’s a good idea. You can take your baby to bars and it’s better. I think that it’s about the equivalent of bringing a baby to a strip club. I mean all strip clubs, guys who think that they are going to a classier strip club. Let me ask you a question. Are you eating and drinking less than 5 feet from some womans gaping vagina? Then it’s disgusting. Cover your glass when she walks over because crabs are known to jump over ten feet.

What are you going to do when you are in there? Are you going to look for bongs with friendly faces on it so the kids don’t get scared that there is a 68 year old man that still talks about Woodstock like it was yesterday and smells like tree bark and pachouli and has been wearing the same Grateful Dead shirt since the ’76 tour? If you live close enough that you can walk to the shop, than you live close enough to leave your kids at home with someone that’s a little more responsible than you and go get your rolling papers without your kids pullings pipes off the shelf.

Don’t use the word, “Man” so much and don’t bring your children to places that condone drug use. You’re a terrible parent.

Unclassifiable except to just say "This Guy"

Mike Literman — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 10:26:47 PST

Everyone loves music. You do, I do, your mom does, even your gramma whom you’ve never heard even put on one of those 78’s the she has a box of underneath a record player you’ve never seen used does. This is the first fact of this little complaint.

On the flipside, we have all gone to concerts with bands that we weren’t that fond of. We might even go as far as saying that they suck. I know that I have…a lot. When we see these bands that we don’t like, we leave for a bit, maybe get some pizza or taco if you are lucky enough to be at a venue that is by a taco joint. We go outside and hang out with friends who hold similar taste, or lack thereof, for the current band playing. It’s not disrespectful because it could be much worse. Those who are eating a burrito or those who have decided to leave for a little bit to hit on that girl with the sweet extra large Slayer hoodie and skinny jeans which is completely contradictory and you look rediculous which is a side note that we can address later if you’d like, are considerate as to not disturb the band. Which leads me to the associated image. Take a good look. I will be referencing it shortly.

As you can see, this scene takes place in a small club. There is a female singer and male guitar player. It’s an acoustic act and the PA is small and it’s a very close, intimate, show. Now pull your eyes to the right. See that gentleman on what looks like an arcade game? It’s not. It’s a jukebox. He actually went up to the jukebox while the band was playing and began to shuffle through the available selection, probably looking for Sublime and that Steve Miller song that refers to the “Midnight Toker” if I had to put money on it.

I don’t know what else to say aside from, don’t do this. Any while you’re at it, don’t listen to Sublime or The Steve Miller Band.

Smart Kids On Television

Mike Literman — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 06:51:37 PST

Television has gone downhill. One thing I have noticed is the lack of smart kids on television. I was happy. Smart kids were on the fall and my prayers have finally been answered.

“What is your problem with smart kids, Mike?” you ask? Who likes smart kids? TV doesn’t portray them as kids that are smart, because that would be too easy to watch apparently. These kids are smart ass kids who know too much and makes you wonder, what the hell is up with this kid. It’s not that they are nerds, which they typically are, but they are just loudmouthed punk kids that should keep their mouths shut.

Commercials do it, too. My inspiration for this was that commercial where the little girls wastes like forty gallons of grape juice on keeping monsters out of her room because “...the antioxidants will save me.” What are you doing knowing about antioxidants and that monster should eat you since you don’t even know the correct definition of the word.

Idiot kids. I could beat that seven year old up.

Sitting in a coffee shop

Mike Literman — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 06:32:41 PST

Remember when you were in sixth grade and you had that one friend who’s mom let them drink coffee and you were jealous because of it only to realize then in seven years you realize that they weren’t that cool and that coffee isn’t that great in the long run? These people still drink coffee and you know what, good because these people are fine with me. Young kids drinking coffee, that’s no good. Give that kid some juice and tell him coffee is for adults and pretentious pricks that think that they still get “wired” from drinking that same gross cup of espresso that they have built up an immunity to.

So let’s take a trip, shall we? Let me take you to your local coffee shop. Starbucks is not your local coffee shop. Sorry, but it’s not and I am not even that sorry to be quite honest. Let’s go and get some tea and a sandwich because I love sandwiches. Wow, it sure is packed in here, I hope we get a spot. Watch that guy who looks like he’s done eating so that we can take his spot. Or that kid over there who is also just sitting there with an empty cup. Oh oh oh, that woman over there just put down her news paper, watch her! Wait a minute, no one here is actually doing anything! That kid is on the computer with no coffee or food. Those jerks are taking up a big table to study and not patron the shop. These two old birds are talking over a closed box of cupcakes for over a half an hour.

No one has the courtesy to say, “Oh, hey…you know what? There are people standing up and trying to find a spot. Maybe I’ve been here long enough reading this book and not buying a single thing. I’ll get up and leave and let these people sit down.”

You’ve got to be kidding me. If you owned a shop and people came in to read the paper and check email and study and not buy anything, you would be pissed. So stop being a dick and buy something or leave. Jesus, even homeless people know to stay outside when they don’t have any money. That’s right, you are worse to society than a homeless person. I hope that burns more than when you told your dad you were going to school for theater or dance.

Halloween Costumes

Mike Literman — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 12:55:35 PDT

Remember back when we were all kids and we used to get all excited about Halloween? You know, back before were were all jaded and cynical and hated holidays and religion and society. We used to love going in July to get our costume, whether it be a rock star, superman, spiderman, indian, skeleton, ghost, or whatever you could get your hands on. You would rip the pillow case right off your pillow because you knew that you were going to get more than last year. Little did you know that you would only get 1/17th of that pillow case.

So being a whore isn’t an outfit. Sorry, but it’s not. What do you tell people you are when they ask? It’s either someone that wants to get fondled or a prostitute. I suppose either way it’s happening but you’ve had too many candy corn and vodka’s to remember the guy in the horse costumes name to call the cops and report him for raping you.

Bunny ears is not a costume. It’s part. It’s closer. It’s not a costume. You could add a tail and be a Playboy bunny. That would be a costume, but with just ears, you are a person that couldn’t afford a real costume and isn’t really too original.

Finally, no costume should mean that you shouldn’t get candy. That’s right, brats. Honestly, steal some of your mom or sisters makeup and get to work on a skeleton or zombie. Your sister wears too much makeup anyhow so you stealing a little bit of it might finally get her the attention that she deserves. I saw kids a ton this year in a group of what felt like a thousand that didn’t have costumes on. If you don’t have a costume it’s basically just a hold up for candy. You don’t have any business being there since you aren’t participating in the only rule there is.

Get a costume. It could potentially cost less than $10 for me not to hate you. Hate is a strong word but if you already don’t participate in fun activities at the age of 11, you are going to be a real piece of shit when you grow up.

Not bringing the check with the final check-up

Mike Literman — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 06:45:14 PDT

You were a wonderful waiter/ess and I will tip you well. You work on your feet all day, serving people that probably treat you less than desirably and you go blamed for every bad mean that crosses your path, even though it’s not your fault that the chef back there is new and the old one hates his job so he isn’t really putting his all into to it anymore even though he has an illegitimate child to take care of.

So I have been good to you, and you have done they whole “Would you like some dessert?” spiel, to which I declined. So why don’t you have the check in hand right then? Why do I have to wait another 10 minutes. I mean, there is a batch of nuns at the door waiting to get a seat so they can all split an onion blossom.

Just close out my bill and bring it, your turnover will be faster and you will get that $0.25 raise that you need to buy those chemistry text books for college.

People Named "Guy"

Josh Myers — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 10:35:41 PDT

This is a post for all of the people that go to parties, and are known for calling everyone Guy. Stop going to Frat parties and calling people “Guy”. That person may be a guy but is not the Guy. This “Guy” in the picture is one of many Guys at Buffalo State I’m sure. He was dorming in the same building as me for my first and only year of dorming. I also have no idea what his real name is, and I’m sure his friends don’t either. I’m sorry if your name is actually Guy, it’s not your fault.

At least this Guy is in his element on collegehumor.com.

Leaving Your Turn Signal On

Mike Literman — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 07:26:34 PDT

So I am driving down the road today on my way to work today and I am merging in a normally difficult section but this time, it was not the case. So I look behind me and a ways back there is a Jaguar with it’s right turn signal on so I assume that he is merging where I am coming out, so I pull out in front of him, by like 100+ feet. He rides up to my bumper also riding his horn. What a total dick. He may have a problem with my driving, but I did nothing wrong and you left your blinker on. I can’t tell you how many times in the city where people just leave them on. I had a car that used to alert me when I left my turn signal on for an extended period of time. Thank you, Pontiac. Can’t you hear that clicking that goes on for 30 blocks or do you have your music too loud? I don’t know. You’re an idiot and it shows because you are a 30 year old in a Jaguar that’s not an XK. Way to go, gramps.

People Reading Menus Over The Phone

Mike Literman — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 08:35:56 PDT

What an irritating jerk. How could you even think that this is acceptable? Let me tell you how your brain should work. If you go to a restaurant that has hamburgers and hot dogs, your idiot friend that you are talking to doesn’t need to know the whole menu? You know why? Because his dumb ass knows what else they sell. It’s certainly not sushi, caviar, or a New York T-Bone steak. It’s every revision of the burger, hot dog, and deep fried food. It’s common sense and you have obviously lost all of yours because you are reading every item on the menu and it’s making me want to kill you. I mean, seriously, do you really have that dumb of a friend/spouse or are you yourself so dumb as to lose the ability to sum up what they have? I don’t know why I am even asking. Of course you are, you are the one reading the menu out loud. Take it outside or know your friends better so that you can get them a meal without having to go through 36 items before you both agree on one.

You don't take credit cards?!

Mike Literman — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 02:05:45 PDT

C’mon. Really?! I mean, seriously.

Marshall McLuhan once said, “Cash. The Poor Man’s Credit Card.“

You know when he said that? 1994. That was 13 years ago. 13! It’s 2007 and you still can’t come up with enough money to process credits cards? You are a business and I might just go ahead and say that if you can’t afford to process credit cards, you are doing something wrong because it’s not that much. Obviously you can’t imagine how much money you are losing due to not accepting credit cards because if you could, you would be swiping my Mastercard and I would be eating General Tzo chicken right now. Everyone else is doing it…for a reason. Welcome to the digital era.

People Wearing Glasses Backwards

Mike Literman — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 01:59:34 PDT

This really bothers me. Remember back in good ‘ol ’97, people used to have those florescent sunglasses holders that you wore around your neck so that you didn’t lose those killer glasses that you no doubt got for free at your work picnic the week before? Well get back to that, because you look rediculous with those glasses on your head backwards. Who do you thing you are? Kris Kross? You’re not, so put your glasses on a lanyard, in your pocket, purse, or leave them in your friends car.

Children on Leashes!

Andrea — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 10:19:19 PDT

Are you really this bad a parent? Is your child so frickin’ disobedient that you can’t seem to keep the kid from running off into crowds in airports, zoos, and other public places? Here’s an idea, you know how we put Fido on a leash so he doesn’t run into traffic? Yeah, why don’t we try doing that with little Hayden or McKenzie (these kids always have named like this – or Taylor, or Sydney).
Now as if harnessing your child and pulling him or her back to you with a leash isn’t bad enough, in an attempt to make this look less like you’ve dressed your poorly behaved toddler in bondage gear they’ve gone and made these little animal shaped backpacks. In my travels I have seen quite a few kids wearing monkeys with excessively long tails, at the end of these long tails are bad mothers being pulled through crowded terminals by screaming toddlers with snot dripping down their faces.
People, I beg of you, don’t harness your child. Instead, how about you just teach the little shit how to behave. It would benefit the greater good if you could just be a decent parent and save the leashes for your pets.

Beverages in Plastic Containers

Mike Literman — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 09:03:55 PDT

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that I was going to a frat party. I thought that this was a nice establishment. It’s not like I didn’t order a meal, I ordered food as did everyone else in my party. So what’s the deal with the plastic cups? Sure it’s water, but you’ve got somebody back there that either is sixteen years old trying to make a couple of bucks or some surly thirty year old man trying to support kid that he accidentally made because the “pull-out technique” didn’t work and his “need” to smoke a pound of weed a day. Bring me a glass. Made of glass. Not plastic, you cheap bastards.

My burger was delicious, though.

Fashion and Euro Mullets.

Andrea — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 10:49:40 PDT

What the fuck are you doing here? You’ve really gone and done it this time. You’re not white trash from below the Mason Dixon line. You don’t live in a trailer park. You’re supposed to know better. Actually, you DO know better. For some ungodly reason you knowingly went out and got a white trash haircut. As if that weren’t enough, then you flat-ironed it, shaved tracks into the side, fashioned the top into a faux hawk, or all of the above. Maybe your mullet is black and pink, maybe it is blonde and red, maybe you’ve paired it with sweet guyliner and super skinny jeans. I don’t really care what other shitty trend you’re grouping this with, this is a terrible idea you had. A TERRIBLE IDEA.
As if seeing these monstrous hairstyles all over Barcelona hadn’t been horrifying enough for me, I travel a hop, skip, and a jump across the Canadian border the other day only to realize that the concert I am attending has a crowd that is possibly 40% comprised of Canadian kids with fashion mullets. Seriously? Oh you are going to look back on old pictures of yourself within two years and be soooo embarrassed. SOOOO embarrassed.
Here’s the thing, it’s not really business in the front, party in the back. There is nothing stylish about this. You don’t look cool. You are actually so desperate to be different, or something, that you’re sporting a poorly updated version of a hairstyle that never looked good to begin with. You might be better off copying the Farrah Fawcett look, I mean, you’ll still look totally ridiculous but at least at some point in history people actually thought that was hot. It became white trash to feather the front layers of your hair years later. Mullets, I am not so sad to say, have been white trash since day one. Since day one and it is never changing.

Nick Names.

Mermaid — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 10:45:09 PDT

You CANNOT self proclaim a nickname! It doesn’t happen that way. The whole point of a nickname is something fond that people call you because your name sucks or they have just found a better one for you. It might be related to a past experience, it might have something to do with your last name, a name you were called when you were younger, how you look, talk or act but it is most definitely, absolutely not given to you by you. Your friends (or enemies) give you nicknames, they are the best and only kind that should be honored. If you have made up your own nickname…please stop. It’s offensive to me and all the people around you because we should have that honor, not you.

touchers

Mermaid — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 10:41:39 PDT

I don’t know how many of you good folks out there have tats, I have a couple, I like them they make me look tough. However, I don’t like it when people want to touch them. I know what you are thinking “Well, then why did you get them if you didn’t want people to comment on them you freak of nature?” I don’t mind at all when people ask questions politely and respectfully. BUT when you ask to see my tattoos and I say,“sure” all the sudden seeing starts happening with fingers instead of eyes, I’m not ok with that. I don’t know you, or where your hands have been. Why would you be surprised when I asked you not to touch me? You are a stranger! No my tattoo isn’t new, I just don’t like to be touched by people with whom I’m not acquainted that should be enough of an answer.

I always want to ask if they would ever touch someone with an oddly shaped birthmark, let’s say it looks like Abe Lincoln. I can’t imagine anyone asking where they got that done, or if it hurt and then maybe giving Abe’s “beard“a little scratch just to see if it’s fuzzy. I am not a circus freak people! I just have some pictures on me that I happen to like. Let me live in peace, but if you need to know something just be nice to me and I’m sure you’ll get an answer. I feel like this goes for all the tattooed gum chewing freaks out there. Just love us, we’re people too.

Feet Out The Window

Mike Literman — Sat, 28 Jul 2007 04:24:33 PDT

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Why would you do this? Do your feet smell, are they sweating, has somebody made a comment about them or do you just wish to advertise that your toenails are painted toxic orange? We’ve all seen what happens to people that stick their feet out the window if you’ve ever seen the movie Death Proof and it’s not good. It seems to be mostly women but I’m fairly certain that men are also stupid enough to put their dumb sandal wearing feet outside the window as well. I would like to think that the rules of a roller-coaster are much like that of and automobile and that is as follows: “Please keep your arms and feet inside the vehicle at all times .” From now on I would like to see nothing more than an elbow sticking out of a car because when you lose it, and you will lose it, I don’t want to hear you complaining because you brought on yourself.

Diet Coke Plus

Mike Literman — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 04:38:03 PDT

Remember when you were 8 and loved to drink tons of pop. Every meal you had a glass or two, in school you had some more, and every Happy Meal you would have a cheeseburger, fries, and some sort of cola. Your mom wised up. She talked to the other moms and it turns out that all their kids were hyper. No more pop for you. You’ll rot your teeth. It’s not good for you. We’ve heard them all.

The time has come. Technology has worked in your favor. You now have Diet Coke Plus.

“Diet Coke Plus is a new formulation of Diet Coke fortified with vitamins and minerals.”

It’s still sugary cola that might have less calories, but still has Splenda in it so say goodbye to your health all the same. Great, you can now supplement a vegetables for a bottle of pop. You’ve been fooled by a bottle of $1.39 bottle of pop. Kiss your teeth goodbye and don’t forget to tip your dentist.

Wearing Costumes for No Apparent Reason.

Andrea — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 10:53:19 PDT

Stop this. Stop this immediately. If it isn’t Halloween I do not want to see you in a costume for any other reason you might attempt to come up with. I do not care if there is an awesome movie coming out. I do not care how excited you are about the fact that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out tonight. I bought the book. I saw the last movie…at midnight even. I admit to my own dorkiness, but did I wear a costume to these events? No. No, I did not. Not only do i not own the items necessary to create a costume for these occasions, but I am not going to go buy them because honestly, if you’re wearing a costume to a movie premier, a book release, or anywhere you may be going other than trick-or-treating on October 31st you’re obviously a complete asshole.
Let me tell you this, if you’re going out in public wearing a cape you damn well better be coming home with a big bag of possibly poisoned candy given to you by neighborhood strangers. If you’re donning a cape for anything less, I hope you have no friends and attend Star Trek conventions because if that’s not your present it is definitely your future. I hate you and your role playing games and your overly spirited attitude toward things that should pass time not fill time.

Shorts and High Heels.

Andrea — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 10:43:32 PDT

Sometimes new fashion trends are revolutionary. Sometimes people start wearing things and years later it still looks good.
Other times, designers put their models on runways in cuffed shorts and stiletto heels. I am not totally sure who started this, but if i could trace it back to the beginning, please believe I’d cut this idea off at its source. Why take a casual clothing item most frequently and most appropriately worn by children or more athletic adults and combine it with impractical footwear? I don’t understand. Shorts, for function, not fashion, mixed with shoes clearly made for fashion, not function.
In the photo to the left Victoria Beckham has decided to provide a glowing example of the worst thing to hit America this summer. Not everything on the runway is a good idea, Posh.
Here’s the deal, girls: wear your shorts to the gym and your fancy shoes out on the town, but do not look like you tried to find a multi-purpose outfit practical for both campfires and dance clubs. Don’t believe everything you read. you look like a little kid who broke into mommy’s closet and couldn’t reach anything but the shoes.

Cell Phone Belt Clips

Mike Literman — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 11:00:25 PDT

I have never used these. They have come with almost every phone I have ever bought and I haven’t done as much as taken them out of the plastic. You know why? It’s because when Jesus and Levi Strauss invented jeans, they installed a feature called the pocket. This invention blew people away because they could then stop clipping shit to their pants and not put them in these convenient little storage compartments.

Not only does it make you phone fully susceptible to all the elements (water, bumping in to people, falling off because you fastened it incorrectly, scratching…), but you look like an idiot business man/woman. “Look at me. I am so important that I need my phone out and ready to make and receive calls at all times.”

Just use your pockets. They are there for a reason, for cell phones and hands and all that other crap you insist on carrying.

Screaming vs. Cheering

Andrea — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 11:23:13 PDT

I know, I know; I am turning into the bitch who tells people how to act. I don’t care.
Here’s the thing, I have barely more than half the hearing capacity of a normal human being, and yet i still find myself wishing for quiet in most situations. If I think you’re being too loud, what must everyone else be hearing?
Exhibit A: Sporting Events. Cheering, clapping, and shouting are to expected. “Shoot the puck!” “Scoooore Wooooo!” This is fine. Why, why dear god, is there always some idiot girl (always a girl) who is SCREAMING? Not cheering, not yelling, not shouting, but actually forcing a blood curdling scream that I’d personally reserve for a situation in which I found myself in immediate mortal danger, like perhaps if someone was stabbing me to death.
You’re not spirited when you scream like this. No one appreciates your excitement or dedication to the team. You are being disruptive. Take your cue from those around you and cheer like a normal sports fan.
Exhibit B: Large Concerts. Pretty much review the above only replace all the sports references with “your favorite pop star” or “those eyeliner wearing dorks in fall out boy.” Chances are if you fall into this category you’re a teenage girl. There is even a chance that the people falling into this category are being escorted by supposedly mature adults. This is where we return to the ever important concept of CONTROLLING YOUR CHILD. If your 13 year old daughter emits a deafening scream, tell her to cut the shit. Don’t let her scream because “she is having fun.” That’s not fun. Screaming is tiring and painful. Cheering and singing along is fun. This is not difficult to understand.
The most important thing to understand is that the people around you ALSO paid for tickets to the event you are disrupting. On the rare occasion that I blow $90 on a concert ticket, I damn well better hear Alicia Keys singing and playing her piano instead of the four twenty-something girls screaming their guts out behind me. If I wanted to listen to women screaming unnecessarily I would watch porn or listen to Walls of Jericho. Shut the fuck up.

Don't use your camera phone as a camera!

Laura Guenther — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 05:21:21 PDT

Unless it is a momentus occasion (ie. Your friend and you find out her last name is also a street name and you need to take a picture of her jumping up and pointing at the sign), there is no reason why you should be using your phone as a camera.
Andrea and I were at the zoo last week feeding the giraffes and we saw some woman taking pictures of them with her phone. It’s not like, “Holy shit. I’m in a location where giraffes normally are not seen. I should take a picutre of this because no one will believe me. But I did not bring my camera with me today because I did not forsee anything crazy awesome happening. I’ll just use my camera phone because I have no other options!” I packed my camera. I knew that I wanted to take pictures of animals, and I knew I was going to see them at the zoo. Duh.
I was buying a new cell phone, and the Verizon guy said the only downside to the phone was the picture quality is not as great as the other phones. I responded with, “If I need to take pictures, I’ll use a digital camera.”
It’s not like you can’t afford both. Teenagers can afford both. People also have birthdays. Ask some friends or relatives to pool together for one. A nice 7 megapixel one is around $150. Furthermore, you don’t need to upgrade your phone or camera every year so it’s not an unnecessary waste of money to have both.
Cameras are also smaller than wallets. It’s not like they are awkward to carry and a huge hastle to tote around. You bring newborns to the zoo—but that’s a complaint for another entry.
At the very least, buy a disposable camera. They are cheap, small, and when you get the pictures developed you can tell what you were trying to take a picture of. Unlike your camera phone. “I think that blur in the background is my friend’s new puppy.”

Leg warmers and skirts! Are you for real?

Laura Guenther — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 04:57:59 PDT

It’s July and it’s 90 something degrees out. Time to break out the jeans skirt and tank top. Totally appropriate for the weather. Totally inappropriate? Wearing leg warmers with your skirt. They do just what the name says. Why not just wear jeans if you don’t want people to see your calves? You’ll look way less ridiculous and way less like you can’t decide if you’re going to an 80’s dance class or the mall.
It’s not an oxymoron. You’re just a moron.
Even worse, wearing leg warmers and flip flops. In fact, let’s just say no leg warmers.

Restaurant Etiquette Part II

Andrea — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 10:47:46 PDT

After another long weekend in the restaurant business, I naturally find myself with more to say. I’m gonna cut the bullshit right out of here and get straight to the goods:

When a server is taking your order, don’t keep your head down and speak into your menu. THE SERVER CAN’T HEAR YOU. I am not asking you to stand and shout, but speak at a reasonable volume and preferably don’t have something in or in front of your mouth that will muffle your speech. If you can’t order at a volume and clarity the server will hear, don’t act like you’re annoyed when you’re asked to repeat yourself. Wouldn’t you rather the server heard what you said and you got the right food? Help me help you. Jesus.

Ladies, why are your purses on the floor BEHIND your chair? Do your belongings mean nothing to you? Did you walk into the restaurant and immediately think “perhaps if I set my purse down in this walkway some waitress with sauce-covered shoes will step on it and destroy the bag and its contents! wouldn’t that be fun!?” If you don’t have an extra chair at the table to set it on, between seats or in front of you at your feet are probably more appropriate places than where people are walking.

Another question, why is your blackberry on the table? Even better, why is your $500 iphone on the table? Now chances are, the server won’t spill on the table – but you will. Furthermore, if you’re dumb enough to leave an expensive electronic device on a restaurant table, you’re probably dumb enough to cause the server to drop something, or to grab something off a tray causing the entire thing to pitch sideways…speaking of which…
I know you think the tray with allll the draft beers on it is heavy and you are trying to help, but there is a very careful balance going on when someone is carrying a flat tray with open glasses of heavy liquid. When the server removes a glass, he or she will adjust his or her hand beneath the tray to keep it steady, when you grab a glass off the tray – it falls. Let us remove the drinks from the tray, we’ll appreciate your help as you help us pass them out. Really.

The majority of American restaurants don’t have clamato juice to make bloody caesars. For all you confused Canadians, there is no plum sauce either.

Sentences that begin with the word “gimme” are not made polite by the addition of the word “please” at the end. I am not saying that servers need to hear “may I please have…” in order to not think you’re rude, but if you’re asked what you want, simple replying with the name of the item and the word please is sufficient. Here is a conversation I had recently:
“Can I get you anything else?”
“Gimme a water and get me a plate of sliced limes to go with it…please”

You may feel the urge to tell me that I am being a little ridiculous about what I expect of restaurant guests, but here’s the problem with that. I never broke any of these rules even before I had experience in the industry. For most people in any normal situation, common sense kicks in and people find it effortless to behave completely appropriately. For every bad customer, there are five good ones, but the bad ones can trigger a chain of event that lower the quality of everyone’s experience. I’m just saying, your servER is not your servANT. Learn how to be. It’s not that hard.

Butt-head

DJ Knife Drawer — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 02:00:04 PDT

I know there’s already a “smoking etiquette” entry but i don’t give a fuck because I do what I want. I’m a surly motherfucker. Anyway… on the real, I don’t give a shit where you smoke…at all. You can smoke you ciggs outside the door or in the nursery ward of the hospital. Whatever. What I don’t get is why do you have to throw your butts on the ground. I know its crazy, but there actually are people who have to sweep those little fuckers up. Do you understand how gross it is to have to pick them out of your flower bed or from the cracks of the sidewalk? Imagine if I went around nervously chain devouring pizza and throwing the crust in front of your business or home. That would blow… having to pick up nasty crust. You don’t know where my mouth has been. And don’t give me the “cigarettes are biodegradable” line. They aren’t and are more importantly annoying to look at. Cut the shit.

Clapping at Movies

Andrea — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 12:38:23 PDT

Let me just enlighten you here, THE ACTORS CAN’T HEAR YOU. I am sure that they are totally thrilled that you enjoyed the movie. The director appreciates that you bought a ticket and got your money’s worth. The other people in the theater (my friends and I) don’t need to be deafened by a round of applause at the end of the pre-recorded, edited, and screened film. As a matter of fact, the only thing we moviegoers need less than a round of applause at the end of the film is one right in the middle of the film. I know you’re pumped about Transformers and Optimus Prime’s first appearance was a big deal for you. Sit, enjoy it, smile. Don’t clap. I paid ten dollars to see whichever movie I am seeing and when you clap through dialogue you’re wasting my money and yours. I don’t want to sound like a total killjoy, but there is a time and a place for applause, and it’s not at any point during any movie.
Consider this post a warning to those of you attending screenings of Harry Potter this coming week. Your need to applaud people who are not in the building is ridiculous, and so is your need to wear a cape – but we’ll get to that another time.

Drawn-On Eyebrows

Andrea — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 12:15:01 PDT

I’m sorry, but have you had some sort of accident? Cancer patients aside, this is unacceptable. Did you really wax or shave your real eyebrows completely off of your face and then draw them back on in an unnatural location/shape/color/etc.? I can’t understand the motivation behind such an act.
In high school I knew a girl who did this and realized it was a bad idea after someone referred to her eyebrows as “the golden arches,” since she drew them in near-perfect half circles. Now, that was high school, and still most of us knew better. Just days ago I encountered a grown woman who was sporting some oddly shaped and clearly fake eyebrows. I had to have a polite conversation with her, all the while choking back laughter.
How am I supposed to take you seriously when you have clown makeup on your face? How? If you were a clown, a very successful drag queen, or perhaps some sort of very extravagant non-clown performer in cirque do soleil or something this look could be excusable, but chances are you’ve got no excuse. You probably looked in the mirror and thought you looked fantastic. Luckily for everyone, I am here to tell you that you that eyeliner is for your eyelids, brow liners are to fill in your existing eyebrows if they are very thin, and there is not a product really designed for redrawing the eyebrows you’ve removed because YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT.
For anyone who is currently trying to rock this look, I just want to say that every single smiling face you see every day of your life is smiling for the sole reason that it’s the closest they can get to pretending they aren’t trying their hardest not to have a laughing fit at your expense. Just shade them in in the right place, they’ll grow back in a few weeks.

Fast Food Competency

Mike Literman — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 03:30:21 PDT

Oh ha ha, I know. Another fast food complaint from Mike. But here’s the thing, I don’t often eat fast food but is it too much to ask for that they get my order right? I’m not one of those people that asks for more of this, less of that, extra this, with a side of this but ordering something straight off the menu as is should be the easiest possible thing to get correct. But no. Out of the last half dozen times I’ve gone to Burger King, that they have gotten my order wrong four times . No pie twice , no tomatoes once, and the worst of all was forgetting my French fries and if anybody knows me they know not to mess with my French fries. So what we do ? I know that the obvious answer would be to get a more competent customer service staff but what happens to the people that are the work at your local fast food restaurant? Do we ship them off to somewhere with even less of a learning curve ? I have worked in food service for many years and I understand what it is to get an order wrong but if I go and get my order wrong consistently, I know for fact that there are hundreds of orders that are going out incorrect and guess what, I’m not made of money. So when I go and I place an order , I expect it to be right and I don’t think that that’s a far fetched demand since that is what your job entails . I’ve tried to give you the benefit of the doubt multiple times but you keep screwing me . I had Wendy’s on a three year boycott because not only did they always get my order wrong but I got ridiculously sick and decided that I was no longer going to frequent their fine establishment. I have since lifted that boycott, but I believe I will lower it right down on Burger King . That is a very difficult thing for me to do since I love Whoppers and their French fries are also pretty good .

So here we are in the 21st century and you drive up to a fast food restaurant and you place your order and get it pleasantly display it to you on a monitor so that you can see what you’re going to get. No onions, extra tomatoes, large Sprite , small fry , and a cheeseburger . You pay the woman with exceptionally large fingernails and she hands you a bag or two of your meal. There is no need to check the bags since not only did they read your order back to you but it was printed on that screen and you have paid for the food that was printed on that screen and read back to you. So when I get home to discover that there is spaghetti mixed with a sprite and a hamburger with bacon and orange slices on it, I get tremendously irritated that I just blew money on a meal that sucks .

In closing, pay more attention . I know that you work at McDonald’s or Burger King or Sonics or White Castle , but you’re on the fast track to getting your ass canned because you can’t put out a correct order . And don’t ever forget my French fries again or I may kill you .

Popped Collars

Mike Literman — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 02:44:34 PDT

I can not believe that this is still happening. It never looked good. It was never acceptible and never once did I think to myself, “You know Mike, I think that I am going to let this collar stay up.” I mean come on, you know that it happened one day when some lazy a-hole decided to just leave them up. They come up all the time. Use more starch to keep them down. Remember wearing a collared shirt and having a friend or co-worker say, “Oh hey, buddy. You’re collar is up.” and you would say, “Thanks” and then put it down? That’s the way that it should still be. Not something disastrous like in this following made up scenario.

“Hey man, you’re collar’s up.” to which you respond with, “Oh I know. And I like it.”

You’re f’n fired, brother. Now you’ve got your girlfriend poppin’ that collar? I don’t know what’s worse. Probably still the guy because female fashion changes so frequently that next week no self-respecting woman will have one because it will be such a faux pas that you will be excommunicated from the female race if you do. It’s that harsh. What a harsh world we live in.

God bless T-Shirts and Jeans. I am always, at most, moderately in style.

Poor Communcation

Josh Myers — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 09:26:11 PDT

It upsets me that I have wasted far too much time trying to figure out the worst form of communication in regards to bumper stickers. There have been too many times when I have been at a red light trying to figure out what “gjh” means. It can be amusing making up your own but most of the time it’s just irritating. Showing the drivers behind you who your favorite Republican/Democratic candidate may be is one thing, but throwing any random abbreviation into an oval is completely meaningless.

Also, who decided on an oval? It’s hard to believe some asshole is actually making money off of placing Arial Black abbreviations inside of an oval, and adding a border.

Overall if you are trying to communicate that you enjoy a certain national park or something, this is not the way to do it.

Burger King Drive Through Window

Mike Literman — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 07:09:53 PDT

This upsets me every time I go and I have now beat it by ignoring it. Here’s the situation. You want a quick meal and you don’t have time to go inside so you have to go through the drive though. You get to the speaker and a lovely voice says, “Welcome to Burger King, how may I help you?”. You instinctively tell them what you want…only to find that it’s not a real person. It’s a recording to keep you busy until the person that is alive and employed comes to the speaker. So by then, I have already placed half an order and then I have to repeat myself…I hate repeating myself. So no, I have outsmarted them by not answering the initial message. It’s a simple solution to a problem that never should have existed. Goddammit I hate that voice. Why is it even there? Who thought that it was necessary? Who said, “You know what, let’s have a voice that talks to people that doesn’t listen and then, 10 seconds later, have a real person ask you the same question after you’ve placed an order. That’s a good idea. I am a genius. I am going to go get one of my perk blowjobs that my high paid position offers me as a benefit. God I hate my wife.”

PS: I love your Whoppers.

I love You necklaces

Mermaid — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 02:58:22 PDT

Aw, that’s real sweet…someone loves you.

Ok, I’m over it and I’m going to guess that your crappy boyfriend of about 2 days gave that to you for your 48 hour anniversary so he could do you in the car, knock you up, decide to have the baby and then fail to pay child support. Congratulations on being tacky.

Babystrollers on the Bus

Mermaid — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 02:22:45 PDT

Ok, I don’t like kids. At least not other peoples. They’re usually rude. They don’t say anything when you say “What’s up?” to them. They smell sometimes and most of the ones I see don’t seem to wear pants.

But I really hate it when mothers bring their enormous baby strollers on the bus and someone has to help them get it on the bus…and then off the bus. It never fits right in the aisle. Everyone is really uncomfortably squashed all the sudden and you have to plan a completely new exit route off the bus if godforbid you’re behind the stroller. Then there is the actual baby inside which sometimes is cute and distracts you from your current situation. Most of the time it’s annoying and eating, getting crumbs everywhere and you wonder why it’s allowed to eat Doritos at 7am. Then you think about child obesity and how it’s a huge problem in the world and how we’re all going to hell in a hand basket.

White Guys with Cornrows.

Andrea — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 08:28:25 PDT

If Britney Spears’s disastrous marriage to K-Fed taught us anything, it should have been that white guys can’t pull off cornrows. Yet somehow I saw a guy just today attempting to work with this major hair don’t.
There isn’t really much I can say in response to the worst idea ever other than Cut The Crap. You can try all day and all night but you’re never going to be as cool as the guy in the R&B group on MTV doing sweet hip-hop moves. I know you had it rough growing up in a two-parent home in the suburbs and you want to braid your hair so people believe you have some sort of street-cred, but really, give it up. There are some things that not just anyone can pull off and this is definitely one of them. Please stop. Please. You look ridiculous and I will not be held responsible for pointing and laughing.

Good and Well

Laura Guenther — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 05:48:16 PDT

I know that it’s one of the most common mistakes made in the English language, but it doesn’t mean that it should not matter. I don’t know how this all got started. It’s not like the correct answer is poly-syllabic and takes you exponentially longer to say than the incorrect way.
Let me break it down for you. Superman does good. You don’t. Unless you are bolting down the street chasing after a man who just stole and old lady’s purse and a friend stops you in the process to ask what in the hell you are doing, you can’t reply with, “I am doing good!” If someone asks “How was the pizza?” You say, “It was good.” “How did you do on your test?” “I think I did well.”
To be specific, good is an adjective. For those who forgot, an adjective describes a noun: black dog, red hair, etc…
Well is an adverb. Adverbs describe verbs: He ran quickly. She silently left the theater.
Practice and condition yourself into use the right one. Use a mirror. Do situationals with a friend. Anything to help you say ‘NO’ to bad grammar.

Light Up Shoes.

Andrea — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:18:02 PDT

There are few things in life that I hate more than other people’s children. This is pretty much a given. But among the many things that are aggravating about these swarms of children everywhere i go, is the need of people to attach lights to their children’s feet. This is lame second only to Heely shoes and the constant attachment of wheels to kids.
Is this little hyperactive fool’s need to run in circles and tap his feet not enough without the miniature red light show that catches the eye of everyone in the room? How has this not given someone a seizure yet?
The worst thing is, not only are there light up sneakers, but there are light up plastic dress shoes with clear high heels that light up red for young strippers in training. I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me. I can tell you right now that when i decide to grace to population with new additions by having well-trained and well-dressed children of my own, no temper tantrum they could ever muster would find me permitting them to be seen in public in light-up shoes. Over my dead body.

Combovers.

Andrea — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 09:38:49 PDT

Men, do you think you’re fooling someone, anyone?
So you’re receding, thinning, whatever. Big deal. Try to maintain your dignity and don’t grow one section of your hair long in an attempt to cover the bare spaces. I mean honestly, bald men who do NOT do this look waaaaaay better than the ones who do. I am totally sure that we women are all unanimous in believing that. I am totally sure that men with hair agree as well. In fact, I am pretty sure that the only people who disagree are men with combovers.
What I truly wonder is, what do your stylists, barbers, or whatever, say when you go in for a trim and they comb that extra-long flap of hair out of the way and you go “oh hey, don’t cut that, i need it to cover this huge bald spot I have.” Has anyone ever told you to just give up and own what the lord gave ya? If not, someone really should, because combovers are absolutely inexcusable.

Acrylic Nails.

Andrea — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 12:10:00 PDT

Girl, who you playin’? Are we supposed to believe these are real? Are we supposed to think you didn’t spend like $40 on the crazy crap glued to your hands?
The problem with these is that when your nails are square-ended and about 1/4 inch thick, anything cute or unique about them is negated by the fact that you’re basically just lugging chunks of plastic around on your hands. Remember those little fingertip things that came with witch costumes when you were a little kid? Well, this isn’t much better than those were.
I understand that it takes some skill on the part of the person performing the manicure to make such tiny designs, but the fact that there is a market for this will never cease to amaze me. This ESPECIALLY applies to girls who normally have plain, ordinary hands but opt for insanity on the occasion of a prom or, worse yet, wedding.
Get a manicure, pamper yourself, go ahead! Leave the weird thick plastic nails out of it!

Copper Cars

Mike Literman — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 11:39:20 PDT

Stop it. You made a bad decision. I can just imagine what you were thinking. “Yeah, you know what? I want to drive a car that looks like a new penny.” I just hope that one day the cars look like what the Statue of Liberty looks like now.

NOTE: I know that these cars aren’t made of REAL copper, but whether you call it “Solar Orange”, “Fusion Orange Metallic”, or “Autumn Copper” you still look like an asshole.

Vanity Plates.

Andrea — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 09:14:24 PDT

Just so everyone knows, you CANNOT have a vanity plate on your car without looking stupid. It’s impossible. Here’s the thing, there is no such thing as a bad vanity plate and that is because there is no such thing as a good vanity plate. I don’t care what kind of car you drive or how clever you think your idea is, every single human being with common sense who sees your license plate is thinking “what an idiot.” If it’s me or one of my friends, we might even be reaching for our camera phones to share your stupidity for sheer amusement.
The other day I saw a minivan with a vanity plate that said “LORDNOSE.” Seriously? That is so ridiculous I can’t even respond to it intelligently. I can say this, whether you’re LORDNOSE or DIVA1, you are drawing only negative attention to yourself and I speak for everyone on the road when i say we’re laughing AT you, not WITH you.

Whale Tail!

Andrea — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 11:02:47 PDT

Now, thinking about this I wasn’t sure if it should fall under the “People” category or the “Clothing” category, but here we are. The thing is, ladies, even though I am of the school of women who believe that nearly no one has a body good enough to legitimately wear a thong, that’s totally beside the point that thongs CAN be worn WITHOUT being seen by EVERYONE WHO WALKS BY.
This phenomenon to the left is called “whale tail” and in spite of the fact that some (often white trash) people may think that this is sexy, it’s really, really not. Here’s the thing, being able to see this much of your thong means that in your thong’s absence, we’d be able to see that much of your crack. Crack is whack. You’ve learned it, you’ve loved it, now apply it to your daily life and, more importantly, your thong!

Gun Tattoos.

Andrea — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 09:52:41 PDT

Ohhhh you’re soooo badass! Sometimes I can’t decide what’s worse, the fact that people get these tattoos or the fact that these people are so proud of them they proudly take pictures and put them on the internet. Even worse than that girl’s horrific chest piece at left is the ever popular guns-on-hips option. Really? Girls do this more often than guys and is it supposed to be sexy? I’ve tried and tried and i can’t nail down the motivation behind tattooing controversial weapons on the body, male or female. Are these weapons you’d actually carry? Does something about the thought of a picture of cold, hard steel etched into your skin make you feel cool?
I’m not arguing for or against gun control here, that’s so not my issue right now. All I am trying to do is figure out how you’re going to feel about those sweet revolvers you tattooed on your stomach when you’re 33 years old, 8 months pregnant, and they’re stretched so far they kind of resemble rifles. Oooh, now THAT is badass! Show ‘em what you’re made of.

Repetitious Menus

Mike Literman — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:26:32 PDT

Oh my gosh. We live in an era of efficiency and some places still don’t get it. We as people understand pricing. If something is $2, then we assume that two of that same item would be $4. Unless you are at the flea market or somewhere like India where you can haggle prices, this is the way that it is. I have gone to several restaurants and this has been shoved in my face to the most extreme extent. Aside from the image that you see here, I have gone to a pizza place around the corner from me with this sign:

1 Slice : $02.00
2 Slices : $04.00
3 Slices : $06.00
4 Slices : $08.00
5 Slices : $10.00
6 Slices : $12.00
7 Slices : $14.00
8 Slices : $16.00

They even had the zero in front of the price and that bothered me. We’re not computers. I guess what I am saying is that a sign marked “$2 a slice” would suffice. The image, if you will take a look, says that all 7” subs are $4.99 and all 14” subs are $6.99, but not in the “common sense” way. No. They have every sub offered and it’s accompanying price for every one. It’s just irritating.

Cut the crap, and sum up your signs. More people will buy from you.

Colorful Dreadlocks.

Andrea — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 07:54:55 PDT

Do people encourage this look? In my image hunt I found more than one website that sells various colored dreadlock extensions. Honestly?

Now, obviously, this is a look most commonly seen on moron goth kids wearing dog collars and wide-leg pants with all sorts of zippers and chains. Clearly the bad choices these kids made aren’t only limited to their hair, but really, this is your hair. Hair is like an accessory you wear every day. Why would you attach oddly colored yarn directly to your scalp and (most likely) brag about your hair as being one of your greatest features. You look like an asshole. And when i say you look like an asshole I mean that people with dreadlocks the color of their natural hair generally look pretty stupid, but the decision to make them black, pink, orange, blue, or whatever color of the rainbow you seemed to think looked good only makes you look about a billion times dumber than the patchouli smelling hippie with the dirty blonde topknot smoking cloves in the park. Don’t worry, that guy will have his own whole separate complaint.

Listen to your stylist!

Laura Guenther — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 06:48:13 PDT

Yes, I am fully aware that you are the one who has to live with the hairstyle. That being stated, isn’t that more of a reason to listen to a prefessional so you don’t look like a jackass who isn’t allowed to look into mirrors?
Remember these people went to cosmetology school, not Hogwarts. They can’t lighten your hair from brown to blond in a visit (a la Sheer Genius and the girl who wanted her hair platinum in two hours. Pfff.)
Yes the pixie cut is in, but not for people with round faces. They look like jack-o-lanterns.
I don’t care if you KNOW what you want, if a trained professional tells you it’s not the best idea, then you should seriously listen. They don’t do this to make their life easier because what you want would take up too much of their time. They do it because they are trying to save you lots of embarassment and the “what was she thinking” look.
Furthermore, don’t think you can pull off difficult techniques by yourself like stripping your hair or trying to match a specific color. You will have to go to a stylist to fix it anyway.
Lastly, if you make a drastic chage, be ready to have the time and money to maintain it. When you go from light to dark and don’t fix your roots when they grow in, you look like you’re balding. When you go from dark to light, you look like trailer trash.
An ugly face is something you’re born with and expensive to fix. Ugly hair is really cheap to do but totally avoidable.

Your Suped Up Car

Andrea — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 09:13:06 PDT

Listen kid, this is life here, not “The Fast and the Furious.” Driving some super pimped out car does NOT make you look cool. We live in a world where driving too ridiculous of an unmodified car you look like an asshole (such as a Hummer H2). When you take your Honda Civic, or even worse, your Chevy Cavalier, and add rear spoilers, front lip spoilers, rims, crazy paint jobs, tints, decals, silly lights, etc., you are not “improving” your vehicle or your image. What you are instead accomplishing is making yourself look like a really big jerk with a really small penis. Believe me, that’s what we’re allllll thinking. Men and women alike are looking at you, looking at your car, and marveling at the lethal combination of stupidity and insecurity that have made you take a perfectly good car and turn it into a moronmobile. We also don’t appreciate you trying to race us on the road. If I thought you were stupid BEFORE you made an effort to prove you were cool by speeding away from me, imagine what I must think of you after that display of ignorance in traffic?
In the future, just drive your car as it is and stop being such a wanker. If you really want to drive a car that serves as a warning to all other people that you’re worthless, that’s what those Hummers are for, and if you can’t afford one of those i hear PT Cruisers are reasonably cheap and I guarantee you’ll still look like a jackass.

Sleepwear in Public

Mike Literman — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 06:12:12 PDT

Sometimes I get tired. It’s late and I have to move my car and I don’t really feel like putting pants on because I am ready for bed. I grumble for about 30 seconds and decide to just suck it up, put pants on, and then move the car.

I absolutely hate it when people don’t “suck it up” like I illustrated above and wear sleep pants outside. It’s 2:30 in the afternoon and I am out and people are walking around in pajama bottoms and some ragged old T-shirt sixteen sizes bigger than they should be wearing. I find that girls do this more than guys, but when guys do it I think that it’s worse because they go the whole nine yards and wear sweatpants, sandals and socks, don’t shave, and some Champion T-Shirt that belonged to a man that weighed no less than 300lbs.

So why is it that I put forth the effort to wear decent clothing and everyone else just feels the need the “slum it”. That’s not right. Just shut up and put on some pants. It’s not that hard. I am sure since you are already dressed like a piece of garbage that your room is a mess and when reaching for your trusty ol’ flannels, you can move your hand a few inches in either direction and find some jeans on your messy floor.

Jeans are cheap. Get to it and stop looking like a dumpy bitch all the time.

Walking Etiquette!

Andrea — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 09:46:45 PDT

I know, I know, this is my third post with a title including the word “etiquette.” But really, is existing with other humans soooooo hard for some people?
Here’s my problem: Walking is not a difficult thing to do. It doesn’t become difficult when done in a hallway or on a stairwell or even in a place where other people are walking. This is something you probably taught yourself to do before the age of 1, and decades later still haven’t quite mastered. Are you kidding me?

When you’re walking toward another person in opposite directions, each of you should step to the right. I would have thought this was a universal thing, but every time i attempt it the idiot coming at me either walks directly into me or steps to his left and then we do a little dance which the moron who has gone the wrong way always finds super funny. I don’t get it.
Here’s another thing, when i am walking literally two inches from a wall to my right and you are coming directly at me, I can’t move out of the way. I have nowhere to go. If i am walking as far to my right as I can possibly be then it is your obligation to go around me. It’s just proper walking etiquette. Believe me, if this is the situation, when you walk into me you’re going to have a serious collision with my elbow or my shoulder. If you don’t know how to walk amongst other people I am going to make sure you learn your lesson in the most painful way possible.

Another problem, don’t stop to have a conversation with someone passing you in a narrow hallway or on any kind of stairwell. You better really hope I am not behind you when you do this because I will put my hand on your back and move your ass right along. I get it, I do. You think the world revolves around you and if you want to talk to your homey on the stairs then the world can really wait. I get that. But just because I understand it doesn’t mean I am going to let you behave like a jackass.

The amount of jerks encountered in traffic is more than sufficient to provide me with ample aggravation. I do not need morons who can’t even walk down the street without pissing me off. The above are only a few of the common-sense rules you should be aware of if you’re going to use your feet as a mode of transportation in this world. Among almost everything else that annoys me, these are things that people should have figured out on their own, but until i see some evidence of that I will continue to not-so-politely explain them to everyone i meet.

One-Ply Toilet Paper

Mike Literman — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 09:09:05 PDT

Everywhere I go places are cutting corners…and in all the wrong places, I must add. Buy less pens, stop buying pencils all together, layoffs, etc. These are all things that should happen first, but when it comes to comfort and morale, you can’t beat the solitude of being alone in the bathroom. This entire scenario takes a turn for the worst when you look down to find what they expect you to “clean up shop” with. It’s rough and there just isn’t that distance that I feel is necessary when your hand is that close to a wicked BM. Plus, that walk back to wherever you are going once you use it is rough because you always feel that you did a sub-par job in the clean up department. We are like one step away from just putting old reams of paper in there. Crapping outside and using leaves might be a better solution than one-ply.

Names. Plain and Simple.

Andrea — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 09:19:02 PDT

So have you ever been introduced to someone or perhaps even heard a story about someone and you found that you were more focused on this person’s ridiculous name than on the story itself? Ever wonder how a woman could, on the joyous day where she gives birth to a bouncing new baby, give the child a word for a name or perhaps a name more appropriate for a dog? Have you ever seen a hyphenated name and wondered WHY you’d hyphenate two names that sound so straight-up stupid together? if you’ve ever wondered any of these things, this entry is for you. Before i begin really complaining, here is a list of names i took down during the several years i worked a telephone job at a large international bank. Ready?

madonna belcher
jetta guilliams
fonesha pitchfork
reagan fagan
devilrie wellborn
frenche d. brewer
elizabeth boner
jean jews-cornish (bad hyphenating choice, seriously, what was this woman thinking?)
luhester collins
satin batey
rexby boyance
theopolis armour
victoria creamer
duwana mann (please take a moment to remember the terrible 90s movie juwanna man)
rucious hunt
frances chew
rusty barnhill
christina evilsizer
jermery underdahl (not jeremy, jermery. this was not a misspelling. i spoke to this man and he pronounced his name jermery)
daniel kaaialii (this person was not in hawaii or from hawaii. his name just has an unusual amount of vowels)
queen mcghee
psalms kalauli
shearing fail
rowland knowles (these are the last names of 2/3 of destiny’s child)
yolanda lumpkins
ruezette marberry
dymphna jarrett (dymphna????)
adoracion idica (yes, it’s an ethnic name, but still.)
rogeanna hug (not roseanna, okay.)
provakes wiggins
betty buttram (i realize the pronounciation of this name makes it less funny, but it is still spelled butt ram.)
zolton washington (think “dude, where’s my car?”)
lakeshell thornton
penny sizemore
geary lightfoot
jeronimo salazar
sonnie boniface
tou her
indiana turcious
ouch sahn (a human being named ouch)
arkadelphia campbell
hollie wood
bridget jones
janet buttram (still funny)
glory lawhorn
bertha major
ruby outlaw
dyark cannon
ziggie siskey
margle upson (margle? what?)
linda hickey-gunn (why hyphenate these names?)
loveless belser (this was a man, by the way.)
ginger commodore
gaynita williams
scott mustachio (this guy’s last name is mustachio. if he marries and has children they will be the mustachio family)
ollie monk
michael bolton
acquanett grant (yeah, like the hairspray old ladies use)
bettie petrock
emerald shinstock
robert robley
kandyam panza (sounds like candied yam)
everlove agiwerya
dahlia parchment
bathsheba buford
tuesday richards
kimberly nono
luckny angrand
tralaquincy reddrick
richard surprise
kelly crofoot-paine (again with the hyphenating)
celeste woodcock
kdee ignatin (what’s wrong with standard spellings of katie?)
michael jordan
daniel daniels
bertley leonard
irene stoner
phyllis stalker
bradley bradshaw
basil demars
ellen llewellyn
lucia brutto (brutto is italian for ugly)
beulah clever
reaeani duger
opal shoemaker
feaster keaton
lillie rhymes
dixie bunch
cluster myers (i spoke to cluster. i asked for him and he said “this is cluster.” what the hell?)
zolton hodermarsky (yep. still funny)
peggy clutter and michael shack (yep these two had a credit card together)
joshcua cinnamon (not only did his parents spell his name wrong, but his last name is cinnamon)
crystal doody
mwamba m. wamwamba (another ethnic name but soooo funny)
memory crowder (seriously. real person.)
scott stonerock
robert dies
grant loveless
tommy lipscum
charmin williams (yeah, like the toilet paper. please don’t squeeze the charmin!)
ida stiffarm
few white
blossom clarke (i found the real “blossom”)
juliet downer
freda liptrap
billie baller
sunday white
queen ballard
tuesday overla (why days of the week, why?)
rhynestine hill
jo hose
rollie grizzard
sun swanger
phlander little
bruno schizzano
pepper mullins
dewey daily
-and
candy filling

People, seriously. Did people actually assign these names to other people? Aren’t there laws against cruel and unusual punishment? This list does not include the couple I once called who were Mr. and Mrs. Buttman. This killed me because this woman had clearly inflicted this name on herself when she married this man. I understand that you can’t help who you fall in love with, but there’s no need to take a name like Buttman.
As a child my brother went to school where there was a 5 year old girl named Lasagna. Yeah, Lasagna. Lasagna is probably 21 years old now which means that somewhere out there is a very drunk girl named after an italian pasta casserole who has probably never forgiven her mother for naming her LASAGNA!
These are people. These are not dogs or any other pets. If you’re trying to be hilarious there are better times than when you’re beginning the lifelong process that is parenting. Can we please return to the days when we named little boys Michael and Joseph and little girls Jennifer and Lisa?
I am not even going to get STARTED on celebrities with baby names like Apple and Moses and Audio Science and Moxie Crimefighter. If nothing else, the above list proves that celebrities don’t have the monopoly on inflicting inexcusable names on their children.
Get it together people. For real.

Your Name Tattooed On Yourself

Mike Literman — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 12:53:27 PDT

Really? Are you going to forget? I forget peoples names all the time. I meet them and forget it instantly. I meet people, don’t see them for a few years or months and forget it. I still know mine. I am assuming that you know yours. How else would you put your signature on checks or sign your emails label things in the fridge at work so your dick co-workers don’t take your sandwiches? So why would you put it on your own body permanently. I mean, do you really like it that much? My name is Mike and I don’t mind it one bit but I am not so proud of it that I would get it on me. Maybe not proud is the wrong word. Stupid. There it is. That’s the word. People that see you pumping gas with your stupid name tattooed on yourself don’t care about your name and neither do I.

Buy a Mac. It'll Make You Cool.

Andrea — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 01:41:18 PDT

I’d like to begin this by saying that I have a mac and am totally clueless when it comes to windows because I never learned to use a windows operating system. People like myself tend to stick with what they know. People who are into graphic design or photography also tend to buy macs. That’s fine.
Then there’s the kids who buy them because they so desperately want to be a “mac person.” They want to sit on a couch at a coffee house with that apple logo all aglow for passers by to marvel. These kids spend thousands of dollars to look cool, only to have to learn a new operating system when they were probably more comfortable on the old one.
I once went as far as to ask the workers at the apple store if they ever make fun of the kids who come in and buy macs clearly with no real use for them and no clue how to use them. Not only did these guys admit to me that they are quick to tease once the customers have left the store, but I then heard stories about teenage kids walking in and buying 17” powerbooks with cash and when asked what they planned to use them for responding “surfing the web mainly.”
YOU’RE SOOOOO COOL.
If these computers are legitimately your thing, or you have a real professional or recreational use for their specific benefits, that’s one thing, but buying such an expensive electronic device for the sake of your faux-hipster image is pathetic. Personally speaking, spending over a grad to look cool is about as awesome as getting breast implants and claiming your new DDs give you better self-esteem.

Cherries and Pinups.

Andrea — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 12:32:54 PDT

Stop this. Tattoos of pinups may have been a good idea at some point in history (I am saying they may have, not necessarily that they were) but now they are just a shitty cliche. Worse yet are the cherry tattoos popping up on every lame cookie-cutter girl who LOVES [insert terrible band name here]. Are y’all kidding me?
Here’s the deal: cherries are a delicious fruit, a little overpriced but still. They are not something you want to permanently ink into your body as if it means something to you, and don’t argue about tattoos as art because i think most people can draw excellent cherries by the time they reach kindergarten. You look like an idiot, plain and simple. Traditional artwork is one thing but lame cliches are a whole different ball game and that’s the game you’re playing and it has no rules and let me tell you, people need rules.
You’ve got a pinup girl on your left arm and cherries on your hips, perhaps alongside a set of revolvers you made the poor decision of tattooing on yourself as well. You’re probably most easily found standing outside Fall Out Boy’s tour bus waiting to offer Pete Wentz a blow job on his way into the venue. That’s effing awesome like whoa!

Neck Tattoos

Mike Literman — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 06:19:05 PDT

Really? That’s the decision that you made. I think that Todd Barry said it best by saying, “You forgot to not do that.” It’s almost never a decent tattoo and it can’t be covered up unless you want to wear a turtleneck or if you’re even dumber that I think and you wear a mock-turtleneck. It’s great that you love your mom, but that’s what the forearm is for. I guarantee that your ma’s would like it more if you got it on your arm or even a chest piece would be better than a friggin’ neck tattoo. Your mom would probably just like it better if your dumb ass sent a card. Don’t forget about your moms birthday. That’s something you might regret more than your stupid new tattoo.

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Andrea — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 09:16:34 PDT

So I’ve already been called a hater, but I sat at a show venue last night and watch wannabe hipster after wannabe hipster nursing cans of PBR between band sets. Seriously kids, what does this beer even taste like? As a nondrinker I can’t speak for or against the quality of specific brews, but I can safely say I truly believe people drink this beer so that they can be seen holding the can, not because it’s the brew they best enjoy. I mean, I know you want to look like some awesome indie-rocker in your myspace picture, yet look like you’re casually hanging out at a bar at the same time, so you drink the “cool” beer so that you can be the “cool” kid. I know what you’re trying to do, I just clearly don’t understand the motivation.
What I do know is this, your favorite band probably drinks it too, that’s probably where someone got the idea a few years ago, but I am sure they wouldn’t be impressed. Stop and ask yourselves, “am I this pretentious? Am I drinking a beer simply because of the reputation I may be able to cultivate by being seen with this can in my hand?” because honestly kids, if this is your motivation, you should stop and re-evaluate your priorities for real. You probably also have a mac computer just to be seen with it. And you drive a jetta. And you get the point.

I Could Care Less

Andrea — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 07:57:45 PDT

Why do people say this? This is one of the many common errors made by people that just really eat at me because I feel like people should realize that it makes no sense. If your response to something that is frustrating you is to say “I could care less!” this implies that you care to begin with. If you are trying to express that you genuinely are not affected by something the appropriate expression would be “I couldn’t care less.”
I would have thought common sense would lead most people to this revelation, but apparently not. Now you know.