Complaint After Complaint

Who types in this shitty AOL shorthand? On occasion I have heard grown adults claim that it’s “easier” to type “u r” than “you are.” How is that easier? In order for it to be easier you would have to develop the habit of unnecessary abbreviation at some point in your life. Either that, or you’d have to be in one hell of a hurry, or have a limited amount of space – neither of which would be applicable in an instant message situation. These sorts of abbreviations “lame AOL jargon” as i tend to refer to them, are maybe acceptable if you’re under the age of 13, but if I get one more myspace message from a 28 year old man that says “UR SO HOT! HOLLA AT UR BOI!” I am going to scream. After a certain point it’s like reading a foreign language invented by an idiot.

Where to start? Do I mention the fact that their technology is five years behind and there is no longer anything special about a camera phone and even less special about a flip phone. No, sir. My complaint is as follows. I know that we’ve all been there. We are in a crowded area and you hear it. CHIRP CHIRP. Normally, people have vibrate on. I have never listened had my ringer on because I hate when peoples phones ring. The invention of the polyphonic ring made my ears stop bleeding, but Nextel is really out to kill me. The Chirping makes me feel like I am in a friggin’ aviary. Why is it there at all? Why is it so loud? Why can’t people just put it on a normal ringer, or even better, vibrate? For the love of God. Get a real phone plan and shut that thing up.

I know, I know. It’s a regional thing, but it’s not a word. “You’re” is “you are”. “Can’t” is “can not”. Based of that knowledge, “You’s” is “you is”. When have you ever not contracted them and said “you is”? I get this constantly at resteraunts from waitresses. Mostly women for what it’s worth. It used to be older women but now younger women, 20’s are doing it and that’s sad. Is it so hard to use words that are in the dictionary? There are tens of thousands and you are still making some up? Guess what, America. There already exists a word that will make your terrible grammar correct. You use it every day and as a matter of fact, I just used it in this sentence. “You”. Are “you” ready to order? Can I get “you” something to drink? It’s not pluralized or contracted or whatever the heck you are doing to it. Drop it and leave it when you hopefully left “ain’t”.

Ever go out to eat with one of these? Fucking fantastic. Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of vegans that know better than to leave their own private stash of leaves and chemically altered, microwavable, food-products. But every once and and a while they leave their fortress of morality to eat with us normies. Just know ahead of time, other than the table salt, I’m pretty sure NOTHING is vegan at most restaurants. It’s just kinda how it is. Most people like to eat food. Just don’t get stressed out that every restaurant out there doesn’t carry “Tofutti” or “Tofurkey” or something with an equally obnoxious name. You know that bean soup the waitress said was meat and dairy free? It had chicken stock in it. Now run to the bathroom and purge so we can finish our meals. Trust me, this is nothing a back patch, a few pins, and a road bike can’t cure.

Lines. You’ve all been in them on a regular, if not daily basis. So what we are going to do here is go over a few do’s and don’t and a few ways you can be a little less of a cock sucker in line.
1. The express line. Generally for 10 items or less. You are going to have your person with 11 or 12 items— not a big deal. But when you are standing there with nothing but your Dannon fruit smoothie, and someone is standing behind you with two 40lb boxes of cat litter, move the fuck up so they can set this shit down. It’s not so much a rule but just a general don’t-be-such-a-cock-weasel-and-be-a-little-considerate. Thats all.
2. The plastic dividy thingy… so fucking annoying. What my produce can’t hang out with your 500 pack of hot dogs you fat slob? I know for a fucking fact that hot dogs chill with tomatoes on the reg. What kind of mother fucker is going to purposely buy some of your food along with theirs? “Oh you know what, I did want some Little Debbi cakes. I’ll just buy his and save myself a trip!!! Mwwwahahaha!” The only time this is necessary is when you are buying 30+ cans of soup… and the person behind you is doing the same. Stop being a pussy.
3. Coupons. I don’t need to even get into it.

In closing, just be aware that there are other people waiting in line… otherwise it wouldn’t be a line. Be a little considerate ya fucks.

I don’t know if you know this, but (most) animals have legs. People have legs to walk, and that is also what dogs legs are made to do. Please, stop carrying your dog. Some people have backpacks, some people have carriers, some do it “the ‘ol fashioned way” with just their bare hands. All are stupid. Let your dog walk. They are not accessories. When you get ready for bed, do you put your dog in a jewelry box next to your watches and you necklaces? I didn’t think so. It should have been a dead give away when you get home and take your dog out of that stupid duffel bag and it runs and runs all around the house that it might not like being treated like an item in a purse. Stop being stupid and walk your dog.

I know what your name is. And even if I don’t, I probably don’t care to. Not to be a jerk, but your long name shouldn’t be on a piece of jewelry. A necklace is one thing, probably because if you feel that it’s too gaudy for the situation, you can always tuck it in your shirt, but earrings? I’ve seen on multiple occasions people that have 4 inch wide earrings that scrape their neck because their “bling” is too big for their stupid head. Replace it with the 1kt cubic zirconia from Delia’s that once populated that hole.

Pants that are pants but almost a skirt? These are not flattering on any body type and do not look good in any situation. The wide leg makes them impractical for working out which might be the only situation in which pants like these might be presentable. Gaucho pants are solid proof that if you put it in a magazine, some sorority girl will try it on for size – with flip flops, with pointy-toed heels, and with ballet flats. I thought it would be over by now, but it’s not. A brisk walk through any shopping mall or college campus will have you seeing these horrific pants billowing in the breeze. ladies, tell me, when’s it gonna end?

Stop it. For the love of God. You look ridiculous. I wish you could see yourself, peddling one thousand times to get the wheel to go around twice. It’s great for uphills so you can calm down a little bit, but for downhill or even straight driving you look like an idiot. It’s additionally stupid for people that are trying to work out as there is zero resistance and you are just wearing yourself out.

I am eating. Chances are that I had a rough day and just want to relax. Now, I don’t want to give off the wrong impression, but I am a loud person, but I know when I am and know when I am not. I am not loud in restaurants. So as I sit and eat my food, I don’t want to hear about how your kid came home late, or how your bowels just aren’t what they used to be, or how shoes shouldn’t cost as much as they do, even if they are just “some leather and rubber”. Shut up, eat your value meal, and leave me out of your conversation. Thought you should know that I am involuntarily listening because of your stupid loud mouth, so don’t yell at me for knowing your secrets.