Complaint After Complaint

Ohhhh you’re soooo badass! Sometimes I can’t decide what’s worse, the fact that people get these tattoos or the fact that these people are so proud of them they proudly take pictures and put them on the internet. Even worse than that girl’s horrific chest piece at left is the ever popular guns-on-hips option. Really? Girls do this more often than guys and is it supposed to be sexy? I’ve tried and tried and i can’t nail down the motivation behind tattooing controversial weapons on the body, male or female. Are these weapons you’d actually carry? Does something about the thought of a picture of cold, hard steel etched into your skin make you feel cool?
I’m not arguing for or against gun control here, that’s so not my issue right now. All I am trying to do is figure out how you’re going to feel about those sweet revolvers you tattooed on your stomach when you’re 33 years old, 8 months pregnant, and they’re stretched so far they kind of resemble rifles. Oooh, now THAT is badass! Show ‘em what you’re made of.

Oh my gosh. We live in an era of efficiency and some places still don’t get it. We as people understand pricing. If something is $2, then we assume that two of that same item would be $4. Unless you are at the flea market or somewhere like India where you can haggle prices, this is the way that it is. I have gone to several restaurants and this has been shoved in my face to the most extreme extent. Aside from the image that you see here, I have gone to a pizza place around the corner from me with this sign:

1 Slice : $02.00
2 Slices : $04.00
3 Slices : $06.00
4 Slices : $08.00
5 Slices : $10.00
6 Slices : $12.00
7 Slices : $14.00
8 Slices : $16.00

They even had the zero in front of the price and that bothered me. We’re not computers. I guess what I am saying is that a sign marked “$2 a slice” would suffice. The image, if you will take a look, says that all 7” subs are $4.99 and all 14” subs are $6.99, but not in the “common sense” way. No. They have every sub offered and it’s accompanying price for every one. It’s just irritating.

Cut the crap, and sum up your signs. More people will buy from you.

Do people encourage this look? In my image hunt I found more than one website that sells various colored dreadlock extensions. Honestly?

Now, obviously, this is a look most commonly seen on moron goth kids wearing dog collars and wide-leg pants with all sorts of zippers and chains. Clearly the bad choices these kids made aren’t only limited to their hair, but really, this is your hair. Hair is like an accessory you wear every day. Why would you attach oddly colored yarn directly to your scalp and (most likely) brag about your hair as being one of your greatest features. You look like an asshole. And when i say you look like an asshole I mean that people with dreadlocks the color of their natural hair generally look pretty stupid, but the decision to make them black, pink, orange, blue, or whatever color of the rainbow you seemed to think looked good only makes you look about a billion times dumber than the patchouli smelling hippie with the dirty blonde topknot smoking cloves in the park. Don’t worry, that guy will have his own whole separate complaint.

Yes, I am fully aware that you are the one who has to live with the hairstyle. That being stated, isn’t that more of a reason to listen to a prefessional so you don’t look like a jackass who isn’t allowed to look into mirrors?
Remember these people went to cosmetology school, not Hogwarts. They can’t lighten your hair from brown to blond in a visit (a la Sheer Genius and the girl who wanted her hair platinum in two hours. Pfff.)
Yes the pixie cut is in, but not for people with round faces. They look like jack-o-lanterns.
I don’t care if you KNOW what you want, if a trained professional tells you it’s not the best idea, then you should seriously listen. They don’t do this to make their life easier because what you want would take up too much of their time. They do it because they are trying to save you lots of embarassment and the “what was she thinking” look.
Furthermore, don’t think you can pull off difficult techniques by yourself like stripping your hair or trying to match a specific color. You will have to go to a stylist to fix it anyway.
Lastly, if you make a drastic chage, be ready to have the time and money to maintain it. When you go from light to dark and don’t fix your roots when they grow in, you look like you’re balding. When you go from dark to light, you look like trailer trash.
An ugly face is something you’re born with and expensive to fix. Ugly hair is really cheap to do but totally avoidable.

Listen kid, this is life here, not “The Fast and the Furious.” Driving some super pimped out car does NOT make you look cool. We live in a world where driving too ridiculous of an unmodified car you look like an asshole (such as a Hummer H2). When you take your Honda Civic, or even worse, your Chevy Cavalier, and add rear spoilers, front lip spoilers, rims, crazy paint jobs, tints, decals, silly lights, etc., you are not “improving” your vehicle or your image. What you are instead accomplishing is making yourself look like a really big jerk with a really small penis. Believe me, that’s what we’re allllll thinking. Men and women alike are looking at you, looking at your car, and marveling at the lethal combination of stupidity and insecurity that have made you take a perfectly good car and turn it into a moronmobile. We also don’t appreciate you trying to race us on the road. If I thought you were stupid BEFORE you made an effort to prove you were cool by speeding away from me, imagine what I must think of you after that display of ignorance in traffic?
In the future, just drive your car as it is and stop being such a wanker. If you really want to drive a car that serves as a warning to all other people that you’re worthless, that’s what those Hummers are for, and if you can’t afford one of those i hear PT Cruisers are reasonably cheap and I guarantee you’ll still look like a jackass.

Sometimes I get tired. It’s late and I have to move my car and I don’t really feel like putting pants on because I am ready for bed. I grumble for about 30 seconds and decide to just suck it up, put pants on, and then move the car.

I absolutely hate it when people don’t “suck it up” like I illustrated above and wear sleep pants outside. It’s 2:30 in the afternoon and I am out and people are walking around in pajama bottoms and some ragged old T-shirt sixteen sizes bigger than they should be wearing. I find that girls do this more than guys, but when guys do it I think that it’s worse because they go the whole nine yards and wear sweatpants, sandals and socks, don’t shave, and some Champion T-Shirt that belonged to a man that weighed no less than 300lbs.

So why is it that I put forth the effort to wear decent clothing and everyone else just feels the need the “slum it”. That’s not right. Just shut up and put on some pants. It’s not that hard. I am sure since you are already dressed like a piece of garbage that your room is a mess and when reaching for your trusty ol’ flannels, you can move your hand a few inches in either direction and find some jeans on your messy floor.

Jeans are cheap. Get to it and stop looking like a dumpy bitch all the time.

I know, I know, this is my third post with a title including the word “etiquette.” But really, is existing with other humans soooooo hard for some people?
Here’s my problem: Walking is not a difficult thing to do. It doesn’t become difficult when done in a hallway or on a stairwell or even in a place where other people are walking. This is something you probably taught yourself to do before the age of 1, and decades later still haven’t quite mastered. Are you kidding me?

When you’re walking toward another person in opposite directions, each of you should step to the right. I would have thought this was a universal thing, but every time i attempt it the idiot coming at me either walks directly into me or steps to his left and then we do a little dance which the moron who has gone the wrong way always finds super funny. I don’t get it.
Here’s another thing, when i am walking literally two inches from a wall to my right and you are coming directly at me, I can’t move out of the way. I have nowhere to go. If i am walking as far to my right as I can possibly be then it is your obligation to go around me. It’s just proper walking etiquette. Believe me, if this is the situation, when you walk into me you’re going to have a serious collision with my elbow or my shoulder. If you don’t know how to walk amongst other people I am going to make sure you learn your lesson in the most painful way possible.

Another problem, don’t stop to have a conversation with someone passing you in a narrow hallway or on any kind of stairwell. You better really hope I am not behind you when you do this because I will put my hand on your back and move your ass right along. I get it, I do. You think the world revolves around you and if you want to talk to your homey on the stairs then the world can really wait. I get that. But just because I understand it doesn’t mean I am going to let you behave like a jackass.

The amount of jerks encountered in traffic is more than sufficient to provide me with ample aggravation. I do not need morons who can’t even walk down the street without pissing me off. The above are only a few of the common-sense rules you should be aware of if you’re going to use your feet as a mode of transportation in this world. Among almost everything else that annoys me, these are things that people should have figured out on their own, but until i see some evidence of that I will continue to not-so-politely explain them to everyone i meet.

Everywhere I go places are cutting corners…and in all the wrong places, I must add. Buy less pens, stop buying pencils all together, layoffs, etc. These are all things that should happen first, but when it comes to comfort and morale, you can’t beat the solitude of being alone in the bathroom. This entire scenario takes a turn for the worst when you look down to find what they expect you to “clean up shop” with. It’s rough and there just isn’t that distance that I feel is necessary when your hand is that close to a wicked BM. Plus, that walk back to wherever you are going once you use it is rough because you always feel that you did a sub-par job in the clean up department. We are like one step away from just putting old reams of paper in there. Crapping outside and using leaves might be a better solution than one-ply.

So have you ever been introduced to someone or perhaps even heard a story about someone and you found that you were more focused on this person’s ridiculous name than on the story itself? Ever wonder how a woman could, on the joyous day where she gives birth to a bouncing new baby, give the child a word for a name or perhaps a name more appropriate for a dog? Have you ever seen a hyphenated name and wondered WHY you’d hyphenate two names that sound so straight-up stupid together? if you’ve ever wondered any of these things, this entry is for you. Before i begin really complaining, here is a list of names i took down during the several years i worked a telephone job at a large international bank. Ready?

madonna belcher
jetta guilliams
fonesha pitchfork
reagan fagan
devilrie wellborn
frenche d. brewer
elizabeth boner
jean jews-cornish (bad hyphenating choice, seriously, what was this woman thinking?)
luhester collins
satin batey
rexby boyance
theopolis armour
victoria creamer
duwana mann (please take a moment to remember the terrible 90s movie juwanna man)
rucious hunt
frances chew
rusty barnhill
christina evilsizer
jermery underdahl (not jeremy, jermery. this was not a misspelling. i spoke to this man and he pronounced his name jermery)
daniel kaaialii (this person was not in hawaii or from hawaii. his name just has an unusual amount of vowels)
queen mcghee
psalms kalauli
shearing fail
rowland knowles (these are the last names of 2/3 of destiny’s child)
yolanda lumpkins
ruezette marberry
dymphna jarrett (dymphna????)
adoracion idica (yes, it’s an ethnic name, but still.)
rogeanna hug (not roseanna, okay.)
provakes wiggins
betty buttram (i realize the pronounciation of this name makes it less funny, but it is still spelled butt ram.)
zolton washington (think “dude, where’s my car?”)
lakeshell thornton
penny sizemore
geary lightfoot
jeronimo salazar
sonnie boniface
tou her
indiana turcious
ouch sahn (a human being named ouch)
arkadelphia campbell
hollie wood
bridget jones
janet buttram (still funny)
glory lawhorn
bertha major
ruby outlaw
dyark cannon
ziggie siskey
margle upson (margle? what?)
linda hickey-gunn (why hyphenate these names?)
loveless belser (this was a man, by the way.)
ginger commodore
gaynita williams
scott mustachio (this guy’s last name is mustachio. if he marries and has children they will be the mustachio family)
ollie monk
michael bolton
acquanett grant (yeah, like the hairspray old ladies use)
bettie petrock
emerald shinstock
robert robley
kandyam panza (sounds like candied yam)
everlove agiwerya
dahlia parchment
bathsheba buford
tuesday richards
kimberly nono
luckny angrand
tralaquincy reddrick
richard surprise
kelly crofoot-paine (again with the hyphenating)
celeste woodcock
kdee ignatin (what’s wrong with standard spellings of katie?)
michael jordan
daniel daniels
bertley leonard
irene stoner
phyllis stalker
bradley bradshaw
basil demars
ellen llewellyn
lucia brutto (brutto is italian for ugly)
beulah clever
reaeani duger
opal shoemaker
feaster keaton
lillie rhymes
dixie bunch
cluster myers (i spoke to cluster. i asked for him and he said “this is cluster.” what the hell?)
zolton hodermarsky (yep. still funny)
peggy clutter and michael shack (yep these two had a credit card together)
joshcua cinnamon (not only did his parents spell his name wrong, but his last name is cinnamon)
crystal doody
mwamba m. wamwamba (another ethnic name but soooo funny)
memory crowder (seriously. real person.)
scott stonerock
robert dies
grant loveless
tommy lipscum
charmin williams (yeah, like the toilet paper. please don’t squeeze the charmin!)
ida stiffarm
few white
blossom clarke (i found the real “blossom”)
juliet downer
freda liptrap
billie baller
sunday white
queen ballard
tuesday overla (why days of the week, why?)
rhynestine hill
jo hose
rollie grizzard
sun swanger
phlander little
bruno schizzano
pepper mullins
dewey daily
-and
candy filling

People, seriously. Did people actually assign these names to other people? Aren’t there laws against cruel and unusual punishment? This list does not include the couple I once called who were Mr. and Mrs. Buttman. This killed me because this woman had clearly inflicted this name on herself when she married this man. I understand that you can’t help who you fall in love with, but there’s no need to take a name like Buttman.
As a child my brother went to school where there was a 5 year old girl named Lasagna. Yeah, Lasagna. Lasagna is probably 21 years old now which means that somewhere out there is a very drunk girl named after an italian pasta casserole who has probably never forgiven her mother for naming her LASAGNA!
These are people. These are not dogs or any other pets. If you’re trying to be hilarious there are better times than when you’re beginning the lifelong process that is parenting. Can we please return to the days when we named little boys Michael and Joseph and little girls Jennifer and Lisa?
I am not even going to get STARTED on celebrities with baby names like Apple and Moses and Audio Science and Moxie Crimefighter. If nothing else, the above list proves that celebrities don’t have the monopoly on inflicting inexcusable names on their children.
Get it together people. For real.

Really? Are you going to forget? I forget peoples names all the time. I meet them and forget it instantly. I meet people, don’t see them for a few years or months and forget it. I still know mine. I am assuming that you know yours. How else would you put your signature on checks or sign your emails label things in the fridge at work so your dick co-workers don’t take your sandwiches? So why would you put it on your own body permanently. I mean, do you really like it that much? My name is Mike and I don’t mind it one bit but I am not so proud of it that I would get it on me. Maybe not proud is the wrong word. Stupid. There it is. That’s the word. People that see you pumping gas with your stupid name tattooed on yourself don’t care about your name and neither do I.