Complaint After Complaint

Aw, that’s real sweet…someone loves you.

Ok, I’m over it and I’m going to guess that your crappy boyfriend of about 2 days gave that to you for your 48 hour anniversary so he could do you in the car, knock you up, decide to have the baby and then fail to pay child support. Congratulations on being tacky.

Ok, I don’t like kids. At least not other peoples. They’re usually rude. They don’t say anything when you say “What’s up?” to them. They smell sometimes and most of the ones I see don’t seem to wear pants.

But I really hate it when mothers bring their enormous baby strollers on the bus and someone has to help them get it on the bus…and then off the bus. It never fits right in the aisle. Everyone is really uncomfortably squashed all the sudden and you have to plan a completely new exit route off the bus if godforbid you’re behind the stroller. Then there is the actual baby inside which sometimes is cute and distracts you from your current situation. Most of the time it’s annoying and eating, getting crumbs everywhere and you wonder why it’s allowed to eat Doritos at 7am. Then you think about child obesity and how it’s a huge problem in the world and how we’re all going to hell in a hand basket.

If Britney Spears’s disastrous marriage to K-Fed taught us anything, it should have been that white guys can’t pull off cornrows. Yet somehow I saw a guy just today attempting to work with this major hair don’t.
There isn’t really much I can say in response to the worst idea ever other than Cut The Crap. You can try all day and all night but you’re never going to be as cool as the guy in the R&B group on MTV doing sweet hip-hop moves. I know you had it rough growing up in a two-parent home in the suburbs and you want to braid your hair so people believe you have some sort of street-cred, but really, give it up. There are some things that not just anyone can pull off and this is definitely one of them. Please stop. Please. You look ridiculous and I will not be held responsible for pointing and laughing.

I know that it’s one of the most common mistakes made in the English language, but it doesn’t mean that it should not matter. I don’t know how this all got started. It’s not like the correct answer is poly-syllabic and takes you exponentially longer to say than the incorrect way.
Let me break it down for you. Superman does good. You don’t. Unless you are bolting down the street chasing after a man who just stole and old lady’s purse and a friend stops you in the process to ask what in the hell you are doing, you can’t reply with, “I am doing good!” If someone asks “How was the pizza?” You say, “It was good.” “How did you do on your test?” “I think I did well.”
To be specific, good is an adjective. For those who forgot, an adjective describes a noun: black dog, red hair, etc…
Well is an adverb. Adverbs describe verbs: He ran quickly. She silently left the theater.
Practice and condition yourself into use the right one. Use a mirror. Do situationals with a friend. Anything to help you say ‘NO’ to bad grammar.

There are few things in life that I hate more than other people’s children. This is pretty much a given. But among the many things that are aggravating about these swarms of children everywhere i go, is the need of people to attach lights to their children’s feet. This is lame second only to Heely shoes and the constant attachment of wheels to kids.
Is this little hyperactive fool’s need to run in circles and tap his feet not enough without the miniature red light show that catches the eye of everyone in the room? How has this not given someone a seizure yet?
The worst thing is, not only are there light up sneakers, but there are light up plastic dress shoes with clear high heels that light up red for young strippers in training. I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me. I can tell you right now that when i decide to grace to population with new additions by having well-trained and well-dressed children of my own, no temper tantrum they could ever muster would find me permitting them to be seen in public in light-up shoes. Over my dead body.

Men, do you think you’re fooling someone, anyone?
So you’re receding, thinning, whatever. Big deal. Try to maintain your dignity and don’t grow one section of your hair long in an attempt to cover the bare spaces. I mean honestly, bald men who do NOT do this look waaaaaay better than the ones who do. I am totally sure that we women are all unanimous in believing that. I am totally sure that men with hair agree as well. In fact, I am pretty sure that the only people who disagree are men with combovers.
What I truly wonder is, what do your stylists, barbers, or whatever, say when you go in for a trim and they comb that extra-long flap of hair out of the way and you go “oh hey, don’t cut that, i need it to cover this huge bald spot I have.” Has anyone ever told you to just give up and own what the lord gave ya? If not, someone really should, because combovers are absolutely inexcusable.

Girl, who you playin’? Are we supposed to believe these are real? Are we supposed to think you didn’t spend like $40 on the crazy crap glued to your hands?
The problem with these is that when your nails are square-ended and about 1/4 inch thick, anything cute or unique about them is negated by the fact that you’re basically just lugging chunks of plastic around on your hands. Remember those little fingertip things that came with witch costumes when you were a little kid? Well, this isn’t much better than those were.
I understand that it takes some skill on the part of the person performing the manicure to make such tiny designs, but the fact that there is a market for this will never cease to amaze me. This ESPECIALLY applies to girls who normally have plain, ordinary hands but opt for insanity on the occasion of a prom or, worse yet, wedding.
Get a manicure, pamper yourself, go ahead! Leave the weird thick plastic nails out of it!

Stop it. You made a bad decision. I can just imagine what you were thinking. “Yeah, you know what? I want to drive a car that looks like a new penny.” I just hope that one day the cars look like what the Statue of Liberty looks like now.

NOTE: I know that these cars aren’t made of REAL copper, but whether you call it “Solar Orange”, “Fusion Orange Metallic”, or “Autumn Copper” you still look like an asshole.

Just so everyone knows, you CANNOT have a vanity plate on your car without looking stupid. It’s impossible. Here’s the thing, there is no such thing as a bad vanity plate and that is because there is no such thing as a good vanity plate. I don’t care what kind of car you drive or how clever you think your idea is, every single human being with common sense who sees your license plate is thinking “what an idiot.” If it’s me or one of my friends, we might even be reaching for our camera phones to share your stupidity for sheer amusement.
The other day I saw a minivan with a vanity plate that said “LORDNOSE.” Seriously? That is so ridiculous I can’t even respond to it intelligently. I can say this, whether you’re LORDNOSE or DIVA1, you are drawing only negative attention to yourself and I speak for everyone on the road when i say we’re laughing AT you, not WITH you.

Now, thinking about this I wasn’t sure if it should fall under the “People” category or the “Clothing” category, but here we are. The thing is, ladies, even though I am of the school of women who believe that nearly no one has a body good enough to legitimately wear a thong, that’s totally beside the point that thongs CAN be worn WITHOUT being seen by EVERYONE WHO WALKS BY.
This phenomenon to the left is called “whale tail” and in spite of the fact that some (often white trash) people may think that this is sexy, it’s really, really not. Here’s the thing, being able to see this much of your thong means that in your thong’s absence, we’d be able to see that much of your crack. Crack is whack. You’ve learned it, you’ve loved it, now apply it to your daily life and, more importantly, your thong!