Complaint After Complaint

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that I was going to a frat party. I thought that this was a nice establishment. It’s not like I didn’t order a meal, I ordered food as did everyone else in my party. So what’s the deal with the plastic cups? Sure it’s water, but you’ve got somebody back there that either is sixteen years old trying to make a couple of bucks or some surly thirty year old man trying to support kid that he accidentally made because the “pull-out technique” didn’t work and his “need” to smoke a pound of weed a day. Bring me a glass. Made of glass. Not plastic, you cheap bastards.

My burger was delicious, though.

What the fuck are you doing here? You’ve really gone and done it this time. You’re not white trash from below the Mason Dixon line. You don’t live in a trailer park. You’re supposed to know better. Actually, you DO know better. For some ungodly reason you knowingly went out and got a white trash haircut. As if that weren’t enough, then you flat-ironed it, shaved tracks into the side, fashioned the top into a faux hawk, or all of the above. Maybe your mullet is black and pink, maybe it is blonde and red, maybe you’ve paired it with sweet guyliner and super skinny jeans. I don’t really care what other shitty trend you’re grouping this with, this is a terrible idea you had. A TERRIBLE IDEA.
As if seeing these monstrous hairstyles all over Barcelona hadn’t been horrifying enough for me, I travel a hop, skip, and a jump across the Canadian border the other day only to realize that the concert I am attending has a crowd that is possibly 40% comprised of Canadian kids with fashion mullets. Seriously? Oh you are going to look back on old pictures of yourself within two years and be soooo embarrassed. SOOOO embarrassed.
Here’s the thing, it’s not really business in the front, party in the back. There is nothing stylish about this. You don’t look cool. You are actually so desperate to be different, or something, that you’re sporting a poorly updated version of a hairstyle that never looked good to begin with. You might be better off copying the Farrah Fawcett look, I mean, you’ll still look totally ridiculous but at least at some point in history people actually thought that was hot. It became white trash to feather the front layers of your hair years later. Mullets, I am not so sad to say, have been white trash since day one. Since day one and it is never changing.

You CANNOT self proclaim a nickname! It doesn’t happen that way. The whole point of a nickname is something fond that people call you because your name sucks or they have just found a better one for you. It might be related to a past experience, it might have something to do with your last name, a name you were called when you were younger, how you look, talk or act but it is most definitely, absolutely not given to you by you. Your friends (or enemies) give you nicknames, they are the best and only kind that should be honored. If you have made up your own nickname…please stop. It’s offensive to me and all the people around you because we should have that honor, not you.

I don’t know how many of you good folks out there have tats, I have a couple, I like them they make me look tough. However, I don’t like it when people want to touch them. I know what you are thinking “Well, then why did you get them if you didn’t want people to comment on them you freak of nature?” I don’t mind at all when people ask questions politely and respectfully. BUT when you ask to see my tattoos and I say,“sure” all the sudden seeing starts happening with fingers instead of eyes, I’m not ok with that. I don’t know you, or where your hands have been. Why would you be surprised when I asked you not to touch me? You are a stranger! No my tattoo isn’t new, I just don’t like to be touched by people with whom I’m not acquainted that should be enough of an answer.

I always want to ask if they would ever touch someone with an oddly shaped birthmark, let’s say it looks like Abe Lincoln. I can’t imagine anyone asking where they got that done, or if it hurt and then maybe giving Abe’s “beard“a little scratch just to see if it’s fuzzy. I am not a circus freak people! I just have some pictures on me that I happen to like. Let me live in peace, but if you need to know something just be nice to me and I’m sure you’ll get an answer. I feel like this goes for all the tattooed gum chewing freaks out there. Just love us, we’re people too.

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Why would you do this? Do your feet smell, are they sweating, has somebody made a comment about them or do you just wish to advertise that your toenails are painted toxic orange? We’ve all seen what happens to people that stick their feet out the window if you’ve ever seen the movie Death Proof and it’s not good. It seems to be mostly women but I’m fairly certain that men are also stupid enough to put their dumb sandal wearing feet outside the window as well. I would like to think that the rules of a roller-coaster are much like that of and automobile and that is as follows: “Please keep your arms and feet inside the vehicle at all times .” From now on I would like to see nothing more than an elbow sticking out of a car because when you lose it, and you will lose it, I don’t want to hear you complaining because you brought on yourself.

Remember when you were 8 and loved to drink tons of pop. Every meal you had a glass or two, in school you had some more, and every Happy Meal you would have a cheeseburger, fries, and some sort of cola. Your mom wised up. She talked to the other moms and it turns out that all their kids were hyper. No more pop for you. You’ll rot your teeth. It’s not good for you. We’ve heard them all.

The time has come. Technology has worked in your favor. You now have Diet Coke Plus.

“Diet Coke Plus is a new formulation of Diet Coke fortified with vitamins and minerals.”

It’s still sugary cola that might have less calories, but still has Splenda in it so say goodbye to your health all the same. Great, you can now supplement a vegetables for a bottle of pop. You’ve been fooled by a bottle of $1.39 bottle of pop. Kiss your teeth goodbye and don’t forget to tip your dentist.

Stop this. Stop this immediately. If it isn’t Halloween I do not want to see you in a costume for any other reason you might attempt to come up with. I do not care if there is an awesome movie coming out. I do not care how excited you are about the fact that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out tonight. I bought the book. I saw the last movie…at midnight even. I admit to my own dorkiness, but did I wear a costume to these events? No. No, I did not. Not only do i not own the items necessary to create a costume for these occasions, but I am not going to go buy them because honestly, if you’re wearing a costume to a movie premier, a book release, or anywhere you may be going other than trick-or-treating on October 31st you’re obviously a complete asshole.
Let me tell you this, if you’re going out in public wearing a cape you damn well better be coming home with a big bag of possibly poisoned candy given to you by neighborhood strangers. If you’re donning a cape for anything less, I hope you have no friends and attend Star Trek conventions because if that’s not your present it is definitely your future. I hate you and your role playing games and your overly spirited attitude toward things that should pass time not fill time.

Sometimes new fashion trends are revolutionary. Sometimes people start wearing things and years later it still looks good.
Other times, designers put their models on runways in cuffed shorts and stiletto heels. I am not totally sure who started this, but if i could trace it back to the beginning, please believe I’d cut this idea off at its source. Why take a casual clothing item most frequently and most appropriately worn by children or more athletic adults and combine it with impractical footwear? I don’t understand. Shorts, for function, not fashion, mixed with shoes clearly made for fashion, not function.
In the photo to the left Victoria Beckham has decided to provide a glowing example of the worst thing to hit America this summer. Not everything on the runway is a good idea, Posh.
Here’s the deal, girls: wear your shorts to the gym and your fancy shoes out on the town, but do not look like you tried to find a multi-purpose outfit practical for both campfires and dance clubs. Don’t believe everything you read. you look like a little kid who broke into mommy’s closet and couldn’t reach anything but the shoes.

I have never used these. They have come with almost every phone I have ever bought and I haven’t done as much as taken them out of the plastic. You know why? It’s because when Jesus and Levi Strauss invented jeans, they installed a feature called the pocket. This invention blew people away because they could then stop clipping shit to their pants and not put them in these convenient little storage compartments.

Not only does it make you phone fully susceptible to all the elements (water, bumping in to people, falling off because you fastened it incorrectly, scratching…), but you look like an idiot business man/woman. “Look at me. I am so important that I need my phone out and ready to make and receive calls at all times.”

Just use your pockets. They are there for a reason, for cell phones and hands and all that other crap you insist on carrying.

I know, I know; I am turning into the bitch who tells people how to act. I don’t care.
Here’s the thing, I have barely more than half the hearing capacity of a normal human being, and yet i still find myself wishing for quiet in most situations. If I think you’re being too loud, what must everyone else be hearing?
Exhibit A: Sporting Events. Cheering, clapping, and shouting are to expected. “Shoot the puck!” “Scoooore Wooooo!” This is fine. Why, why dear god, is there always some idiot girl (always a girl) who is SCREAMING? Not cheering, not yelling, not shouting, but actually forcing a blood curdling scream that I’d personally reserve for a situation in which I found myself in immediate mortal danger, like perhaps if someone was stabbing me to death.
You’re not spirited when you scream like this. No one appreciates your excitement or dedication to the team. You are being disruptive. Take your cue from those around you and cheer like a normal sports fan.
Exhibit B: Large Concerts. Pretty much review the above only replace all the sports references with “your favorite pop star” or “those eyeliner wearing dorks in fall out boy.” Chances are if you fall into this category you’re a teenage girl. There is even a chance that the people falling into this category are being escorted by supposedly mature adults. This is where we return to the ever important concept of CONTROLLING YOUR CHILD. If your 13 year old daughter emits a deafening scream, tell her to cut the shit. Don’t let her scream because “she is having fun.” That’s not fun. Screaming is tiring and painful. Cheering and singing along is fun. This is not difficult to understand.
The most important thing to understand is that the people around you ALSO paid for tickets to the event you are disrupting. On the rare occasion that I blow $90 on a concert ticket, I damn well better hear Alicia Keys singing and playing her piano instead of the four twenty-something girls screaming their guts out behind me. If I wanted to listen to women screaming unnecessarily I would watch porn or listen to Walls of Jericho. Shut the fuck up.