Complaint After Complaint

I know, I know, this is my third post with a title including the word “etiquette.” But really, is existing with other humans soooooo hard for some people?
Here’s my problem: Walking is not a difficult thing to do. It doesn’t become difficult when done in a hallway or on a stairwell or even in a place where other people are walking. This is something you probably taught yourself to do before the age of 1, and decades later still haven’t quite mastered. Are you kidding me?

When you’re walking toward another person in opposite directions, each of you should step to the right. I would have thought this was a universal thing, but every time i attempt it the idiot coming at me either walks directly into me or steps to his left and then we do a little dance which the moron who has gone the wrong way always finds super funny. I don’t get it.
Here’s another thing, when i am walking literally two inches from a wall to my right and you are coming directly at me, I can’t move out of the way. I have nowhere to go. If i am walking as far to my right as I can possibly be then it is your obligation to go around me. It’s just proper walking etiquette. Believe me, if this is the situation, when you walk into me you’re going to have a serious collision with my elbow or my shoulder. If you don’t know how to walk amongst other people I am going to make sure you learn your lesson in the most painful way possible.

Another problem, don’t stop to have a conversation with someone passing you in a narrow hallway or on any kind of stairwell. You better really hope I am not behind you when you do this because I will put my hand on your back and move your ass right along. I get it, I do. You think the world revolves around you and if you want to talk to your homey on the stairs then the world can really wait. I get that. But just because I understand it doesn’t mean I am going to let you behave like a jackass.

The amount of jerks encountered in traffic is more than sufficient to provide me with ample aggravation. I do not need morons who can’t even walk down the street without pissing me off. The above are only a few of the common-sense rules you should be aware of if you’re going to use your feet as a mode of transportation in this world. Among almost everything else that annoys me, these are things that people should have figured out on their own, but until i see some evidence of that I will continue to not-so-politely explain them to everyone i meet.

So have you ever been introduced to someone or perhaps even heard a story about someone and you found that you were more focused on this person’s ridiculous name than on the story itself? Ever wonder how a woman could, on the joyous day where she gives birth to a bouncing new baby, give the child a word for a name or perhaps a name more appropriate for a dog? Have you ever seen a hyphenated name and wondered WHY you’d hyphenate two names that sound so straight-up stupid together? if you’ve ever wondered any of these things, this entry is for you. Before i begin really complaining, here is a list of names i took down during the several years i worked a telephone job at a large international bank. Ready?

madonna belcher
jetta guilliams
fonesha pitchfork
reagan fagan
devilrie wellborn
frenche d. brewer
elizabeth boner
jean jews-cornish (bad hyphenating choice, seriously, what was this woman thinking?)
luhester collins
satin batey
rexby boyance
theopolis armour
victoria creamer
duwana mann (please take a moment to remember the terrible 90s movie juwanna man)
rucious hunt
frances chew
rusty barnhill
christina evilsizer
jermery underdahl (not jeremy, jermery. this was not a misspelling. i spoke to this man and he pronounced his name jermery)
daniel kaaialii (this person was not in hawaii or from hawaii. his name just has an unusual amount of vowels)
queen mcghee
psalms kalauli
shearing fail
rowland knowles (these are the last names of 2/3 of destiny’s child)
yolanda lumpkins
ruezette marberry
dymphna jarrett (dymphna????)
adoracion idica (yes, it’s an ethnic name, but still.)
rogeanna hug (not roseanna, okay.)
provakes wiggins
betty buttram (i realize the pronounciation of this name makes it less funny, but it is still spelled butt ram.)
zolton washington (think “dude, where’s my car?”)
lakeshell thornton
penny sizemore
geary lightfoot
jeronimo salazar
sonnie boniface
tou her
indiana turcious
ouch sahn (a human being named ouch)
arkadelphia campbell
hollie wood
bridget jones
janet buttram (still funny)
glory lawhorn
bertha major
ruby outlaw
dyark cannon
ziggie siskey
margle upson (margle? what?)
linda hickey-gunn (why hyphenate these names?)
loveless belser (this was a man, by the way.)
ginger commodore
gaynita williams
scott mustachio (this guy’s last name is mustachio. if he marries and has children they will be the mustachio family)
ollie monk
michael bolton
acquanett grant (yeah, like the hairspray old ladies use)
bettie petrock
emerald shinstock
robert robley
kandyam panza (sounds like candied yam)
everlove agiwerya
dahlia parchment
bathsheba buford
tuesday richards
kimberly nono
luckny angrand
tralaquincy reddrick
richard surprise
kelly crofoot-paine (again with the hyphenating)
celeste woodcock
kdee ignatin (what’s wrong with standard spellings of katie?)
michael jordan
daniel daniels
bertley leonard
irene stoner
phyllis stalker
bradley bradshaw
basil demars
ellen llewellyn
lucia brutto (brutto is italian for ugly)
beulah clever
reaeani duger
opal shoemaker
feaster keaton
lillie rhymes
dixie bunch
cluster myers (i spoke to cluster. i asked for him and he said “this is cluster.” what the hell?)
zolton hodermarsky (yep. still funny)
peggy clutter and michael shack (yep these two had a credit card together)
joshcua cinnamon (not only did his parents spell his name wrong, but his last name is cinnamon)
crystal doody
mwamba m. wamwamba (another ethnic name but soooo funny)
memory crowder (seriously. real person.)
scott stonerock
robert dies
grant loveless
tommy lipscum
charmin williams (yeah, like the toilet paper. please don’t squeeze the charmin!)
ida stiffarm
few white
blossom clarke (i found the real “blossom”)
juliet downer
freda liptrap
billie baller
sunday white
queen ballard
tuesday overla (why days of the week, why?)
rhynestine hill
jo hose
rollie grizzard
sun swanger
phlander little
bruno schizzano
pepper mullins
dewey daily
-and
candy filling

People, seriously. Did people actually assign these names to other people? Aren’t there laws against cruel and unusual punishment? This list does not include the couple I once called who were Mr. and Mrs. Buttman. This killed me because this woman had clearly inflicted this name on herself when she married this man. I understand that you can’t help who you fall in love with, but there’s no need to take a name like Buttman.
As a child my brother went to school where there was a 5 year old girl named Lasagna. Yeah, Lasagna. Lasagna is probably 21 years old now which means that somewhere out there is a very drunk girl named after an italian pasta casserole who has probably never forgiven her mother for naming her LASAGNA!
These are people. These are not dogs or any other pets. If you’re trying to be hilarious there are better times than when you’re beginning the lifelong process that is parenting. Can we please return to the days when we named little boys Michael and Joseph and little girls Jennifer and Lisa?
I am not even going to get STARTED on celebrities with baby names like Apple and Moses and Audio Science and Moxie Crimefighter. If nothing else, the above list proves that celebrities don’t have the monopoly on inflicting inexcusable names on their children.
Get it together people. For real.

I’d like to begin this by saying that I have a mac and am totally clueless when it comes to windows because I never learned to use a windows operating system. People like myself tend to stick with what they know. People who are into graphic design or photography also tend to buy macs. That’s fine.
Then there’s the kids who buy them because they so desperately want to be a “mac person.” They want to sit on a couch at a coffee house with that apple logo all aglow for passers by to marvel. These kids spend thousands of dollars to look cool, only to have to learn a new operating system when they were probably more comfortable on the old one.
I once went as far as to ask the workers at the apple store if they ever make fun of the kids who come in and buy macs clearly with no real use for them and no clue how to use them. Not only did these guys admit to me that they are quick to tease once the customers have left the store, but I then heard stories about teenage kids walking in and buying 17” powerbooks with cash and when asked what they planned to use them for responding “surfing the web mainly.”
YOU’RE SOOOOO COOL.
If these computers are legitimately your thing, or you have a real professional or recreational use for their specific benefits, that’s one thing, but buying such an expensive electronic device for the sake of your faux-hipster image is pathetic. Personally speaking, spending over a grad to look cool is about as awesome as getting breast implants and claiming your new DDs give you better self-esteem.

So I’ve already been called a hater, but I sat at a show venue last night and watch wannabe hipster after wannabe hipster nursing cans of PBR between band sets. Seriously kids, what does this beer even taste like? As a nondrinker I can’t speak for or against the quality of specific brews, but I can safely say I truly believe people drink this beer so that they can be seen holding the can, not because it’s the brew they best enjoy. I mean, I know you want to look like some awesome indie-rocker in your myspace picture, yet look like you’re casually hanging out at a bar at the same time, so you drink the “cool” beer so that you can be the “cool” kid. I know what you’re trying to do, I just clearly don’t understand the motivation.
What I do know is this, your favorite band probably drinks it too, that’s probably where someone got the idea a few years ago, but I am sure they wouldn’t be impressed. Stop and ask yourselves, “am I this pretentious? Am I drinking a beer simply because of the reputation I may be able to cultivate by being seen with this can in my hand?” because honestly kids, if this is your motivation, you should stop and re-evaluate your priorities for real. You probably also have a mac computer just to be seen with it. And you drive a jetta. And you get the point.

Okay, so I may not be a highly trained specialist in my line of retail work, but don’t come at me telling me what you think the best deal is, whether it be coupon or sale price, etc… The register will ring in the best deal for you. How do I know this? Well, it’s because you are only the millionth billionth moron who thinks we’re trying to sheist you.
Complaining to me about the prices of things is going to do diddly. I have no control, and I am not about to call corporate for you. As much as you think the company is trying to royally screw you, believe it or not, you just don’t matter that much for us to give a crap about you.
Aside from me being speicific, don’t think that you can get away with this kind of behavior anywhere else either. Don’t tell your kid’s teacher that it’s his or her fault your kid is failing. It’s most likely because your kid isn’t doing his homework. Don’t tell your nurse how to administer an IV or that you need a private room for a sprained ankle. Don’t tell your waitress that breakfast shouldn’t end at 11 and that she doesn’t know what an adequate amount of ice is required to qualify for an iced tea. Et al. Et al.
I don’t show up to your office and tell you how to sit on your ass all day. Don’t show up to my job—without any experience doing it—and tell me how it should be done! If you’re going to be rude, I’ll just ignore you until you leave.

They have a saying in Africa: It takes a village to raise a child. Obviously the person who thought this up was a shitty parent who won’t take responsibility for the little terror he or she is raising.

If I want to go see a rated-R movie at 10 o’clock at night, I don’t want to have to deal with your kid screaming and complaining that they are tired and want to go home.

If I want to go shopping, I should not have to worry about my knees being taken out by children playing tag between the racks.

If I am at work don’t tell me not to tell your children what to do if they are climbing on the rounders because you know your would bitch at me like it’s MY fault if your brat gets hurt!

If your kids can’t control themselves in public then leave them home! If they start screaming in public, take them back to the car until they can control themselves or take them home! I should not have to sacrifice my night-out-dinner because it keeps getting interrupted by your child. The next time a child bothers me because it is bored during his dinner, I swear I am going to tell it to go ask his mother what the word ‘cunt’ means.

It’s not cute. It’s annoying, inappropriate, and needs to stop, NOW!

Now, I think we can all agree that smoking near other human beings at all is pretty seriously gross, but can you try to make it a little less unpleasant for nonsmokers by maybe not standing DIRECTLY outside of the door of a building where there is heavy foot traffic? When people are walking out the door, loudly gagging, and shooting you the evil eye, that’s a sign that having no choice but to pass through your smoke cloud to get some fresh air is absolutely ridiculous. How inconsiderate can you possibly be? It’s not your right as a smoker to stand wherever you please just because you’ve followed the rules to be outside. We’re not talking about a matter of personal preference here, this is something that is literally killing you, so arguing in favor of it makes you look stupid regardless of what your point may be. While we’re at it, do you think it’s okay to light your cigarette in the building and then walk out, just because it’s easier to light the damn thing when shielded from the wind? In case no one ever told you, the fact that you have to smoke your cigarette outside does indeed mean you need to light it there too. Besides, I am pretty sure there are laws against smoking directly outside of doorways. Have a little consideration for those of us who opt for less gross lifestyles. Just because you want to smell badly, age faster, and die of emphysema doesn’t mean you need to be angry at the world and inflict it on anyone coming to and from the same location. Seriously.

Maybe I just don’t get it, but I’m really tired of going to “art” shows and seeing nude photos of girls in their 20’s, usually doing something silly, like having a pillow fight or wrestling with other equally as naked girls. I don’t care if you do something ironic or thought-provoking like photoshop a monacle on her eye and a book in her hand. It is still probably garbage. I’m not saying there is no place for nudity in art, but if your photos look like something someone would get a boner over, which they do, then sell them as porn and stop trying to act like you’re an artist.

Lines. You’ve all been in them on a regular, if not daily basis. So what we are going to do here is go over a few do’s and don’t and a few ways you can be a little less of a cock sucker in line.
1. The express line. Generally for 10 items or less. You are going to have your person with 11 or 12 items— not a big deal. But when you are standing there with nothing but your Dannon fruit smoothie, and someone is standing behind you with two 40lb boxes of cat litter, move the fuck up so they can set this shit down. It’s not so much a rule but just a general don’t-be-such-a-cock-weasel-and-be-a-little-considerate. Thats all.
2. The plastic dividy thingy… so fucking annoying. What my produce can’t hang out with your 500 pack of hot dogs you fat slob? I know for a fucking fact that hot dogs chill with tomatoes on the reg. What kind of mother fucker is going to purposely buy some of your food along with theirs? “Oh you know what, I did want some Little Debbi cakes. I’ll just buy his and save myself a trip!!! Mwwwahahaha!” The only time this is necessary is when you are buying 30+ cans of soup… and the person behind you is doing the same. Stop being a pussy.
3. Coupons. I don’t need to even get into it.

In closing, just be aware that there are other people waiting in line… otherwise it wouldn’t be a line. Be a little considerate ya fucks.