Complaint After Complaint

Television has gone downhill. One thing I have noticed is the lack of smart kids on television. I was happy. Smart kids were on the fall and my prayers have finally been answered.

“What is your problem with smart kids, Mike?” you ask? Who likes smart kids? TV doesn’t portray them as kids that are smart, because that would be too easy to watch apparently. These kids are smart ass kids who know too much and makes you wonder, what the hell is up with this kid. It’s not that they are nerds, which they typically are, but they are just loudmouthed punk kids that should keep their mouths shut.

Commercials do it, too. My inspiration for this was that commercial where the little girls wastes like forty gallons of grape juice on keeping monsters out of her room because “...the antioxidants will save me.” What are you doing knowing about antioxidants and that monster should eat you since you don’t even know the correct definition of the word.

Idiot kids. I could beat that seven year old up.

Remember when you were in sixth grade and you had that one friend who’s mom let them drink coffee and you were jealous because of it only to realize then in seven years you realize that they weren’t that cool and that coffee isn’t that great in the long run? These people still drink coffee and you know what, good because these people are fine with me. Young kids drinking coffee, that’s no good. Give that kid some juice and tell him coffee is for adults and pretentious pricks that think that they still get “wired” from drinking that same gross cup of espresso that they have built up an immunity to.

So let’s take a trip, shall we? Let me take you to your local coffee shop. Starbucks is not your local coffee shop. Sorry, but it’s not and I am not even that sorry to be quite honest. Let’s go and get some tea and a sandwich because I love sandwiches. Wow, it sure is packed in here, I hope we get a spot. Watch that guy who looks like he’s done eating so that we can take his spot. Or that kid over there who is also just sitting there with an empty cup. Oh oh oh, that woman over there just put down her news paper, watch her! Wait a minute, no one here is actually doing anything! That kid is on the computer with no coffee or food. Those jerks are taking up a big table to study and not patron the shop. These two old birds are talking over a closed box of cupcakes for over a half an hour.

No one has the courtesy to say, “Oh, hey…you know what? There are people standing up and trying to find a spot. Maybe I’ve been here long enough reading this book and not buying a single thing. I’ll get up and leave and let these people sit down.”

You’ve got to be kidding me. If you owned a shop and people came in to read the paper and check email and study and not buy anything, you would be pissed. So stop being a dick and buy something or leave. Jesus, even homeless people know to stay outside when they don’t have any money. That’s right, you are worse to society than a homeless person. I hope that burns more than when you told your dad you were going to school for theater or dance.

Remember back when we were all kids and we used to get all excited about Halloween? You know, back before were were all jaded and cynical and hated holidays and religion and society. We used to love going in July to get our costume, whether it be a rock star, superman, spiderman, indian, skeleton, ghost, or whatever you could get your hands on. You would rip the pillow case right off your pillow because you knew that you were going to get more than last year. Little did you know that you would only get 1/17th of that pillow case.

So being a whore isn’t an outfit. Sorry, but it’s not. What do you tell people you are when they ask? It’s either someone that wants to get fondled or a prostitute. I suppose either way it’s happening but you’ve had too many candy corn and vodka’s to remember the guy in the horse costumes name to call the cops and report him for raping you.

Bunny ears is not a costume. It’s part. It’s closer. It’s not a costume. You could add a tail and be a Playboy bunny. That would be a costume, but with just ears, you are a person that couldn’t afford a real costume and isn’t really too original.

Finally, no costume should mean that you shouldn’t get candy. That’s right, brats. Honestly, steal some of your mom or sisters makeup and get to work on a skeleton or zombie. Your sister wears too much makeup anyhow so you stealing a little bit of it might finally get her the attention that she deserves. I saw kids a ton this year in a group of what felt like a thousand that didn’t have costumes on. If you don’t have a costume it’s basically just a hold up for candy. You don’t have any business being there since you aren’t participating in the only rule there is.

Get a costume. It could potentially cost less than $10 for me not to hate you. Hate is a strong word but if you already don’t participate in fun activities at the age of 11, you are going to be a real piece of shit when you grow up.

You were a wonderful waiter/ess and I will tip you well. You work on your feet all day, serving people that probably treat you less than desirably and you go blamed for every bad mean that crosses your path, even though it’s not your fault that the chef back there is new and the old one hates his job so he isn’t really putting his all into to it anymore even though he has an illegitimate child to take care of.

So I have been good to you, and you have done they whole “Would you like some dessert?” spiel, to which I declined. So why don’t you have the check in hand right then? Why do I have to wait another 10 minutes. I mean, there is a batch of nuns at the door waiting to get a seat so they can all split an onion blossom.

Just close out my bill and bring it, your turnover will be faster and you will get that $0.25 raise that you need to buy those chemistry text books for college.

This is a post for all of the people that go to parties, and are known for calling everyone Guy. Stop going to Frat parties and calling people “Guy”. That person may be a guy but is not the Guy. This “Guy” in the picture is one of many Guys at Buffalo State I’m sure. He was dorming in the same building as me for my first and only year of dorming. I also have no idea what his real name is, and I’m sure his friends don’t either. I’m sorry if your name is actually Guy, it’s not your fault.

At least this Guy is in his element on collegehumor.com.

So I am driving down the road today on my way to work today and I am merging in a normally difficult section but this time, it was not the case. So I look behind me and a ways back there is a Jaguar with it’s right turn signal on so I assume that he is merging where I am coming out, so I pull out in front of him, by like 100+ feet. He rides up to my bumper also riding his horn. What a total dick. He may have a problem with my driving, but I did nothing wrong and you left your blinker on. I can’t tell you how many times in the city where people just leave them on. I had a car that used to alert me when I left my turn signal on for an extended period of time. Thank you, Pontiac. Can’t you hear that clicking that goes on for 30 blocks or do you have your music too loud? I don’t know. You’re an idiot and it shows because you are a 30 year old in a Jaguar that’s not an XK. Way to go, gramps.

What an irritating jerk. How could you even think that this is acceptable? Let me tell you how your brain should work. If you go to a restaurant that has hamburgers and hot dogs, your idiot friend that you are talking to doesn’t need to know the whole menu? You know why? Because his dumb ass knows what else they sell. It’s certainly not sushi, caviar, or a New York T-Bone steak. It’s every revision of the burger, hot dog, and deep fried food. It’s common sense and you have obviously lost all of yours because you are reading every item on the menu and it’s making me want to kill you. I mean, seriously, do you really have that dumb of a friend/spouse or are you yourself so dumb as to lose the ability to sum up what they have? I don’t know why I am even asking. Of course you are, you are the one reading the menu out loud. Take it outside or know your friends better so that you can get them a meal without having to go through 36 items before you both agree on one.

C’mon. Really?! I mean, seriously.

Marshall McLuhan once said, “Cash. The Poor Man’s Credit Card.“

You know when he said that? 1994. That was 13 years ago. 13! It’s 2007 and you still can’t come up with enough money to process credits cards? You are a business and I might just go ahead and say that if you can’t afford to process credit cards, you are doing something wrong because it’s not that much. Obviously you can’t imagine how much money you are losing due to not accepting credit cards because if you could, you would be swiping my Mastercard and I would be eating General Tzo chicken right now. Everyone else is doing it…for a reason. Welcome to the digital era.

This really bothers me. Remember back in good ‘ol ’97, people used to have those florescent sunglasses holders that you wore around your neck so that you didn’t lose those killer glasses that you no doubt got for free at your work picnic the week before? Well get back to that, because you look rediculous with those glasses on your head backwards. Who do you thing you are? Kris Kross? You’re not, so put your glasses on a lanyard, in your pocket, purse, or leave them in your friends car.

Are you really this bad a parent? Is your child so frickin’ disobedient that you can’t seem to keep the kid from running off into crowds in airports, zoos, and other public places? Here’s an idea, you know how we put Fido on a leash so he doesn’t run into traffic? Yeah, why don’t we try doing that with little Hayden or McKenzie (these kids always have named like this – or Taylor, or Sydney).
Now as if harnessing your child and pulling him or her back to you with a leash isn’t bad enough, in an attempt to make this look less like you’ve dressed your poorly behaved toddler in bondage gear they’ve gone and made these little animal shaped backpacks. In my travels I have seen quite a few kids wearing monkeys with excessively long tails, at the end of these long tails are bad mothers being pulled through crowded terminals by screaming toddlers with snot dripping down their faces.
People, I beg of you, don’t harness your child. Instead, how about you just teach the little shit how to behave. It would benefit the greater good if you could just be a decent parent and save the leashes for your pets.