Complaint After Complaint

It’s cold in winter. You know it, I know it. I was driving home the other day and the thermometer in my car told me it was -5° outside. I’ve never seen it that cold without the wind chill. It was nice in my car and I didn’t have a jacket on, but that’s because I was in the car for over three hours on my way home from Pennsylvania. The windows were freezing, though. I could breathe and fog up my windows and it was easily 70° in my car. So why do you wear shorts in the winter? I don’t think that it’s a manly thing. Have you just watched Survivorman or that one where the British guy pees on everything. Well you’re not. You’re some dude that probably has a drawer of pants that are collecting dust because their jerk owner is wearing shorts on days where thermal underwear is not out of the question. Is it because you don’t live with your parents anymore and don’t have to worry about your mom saying, “Put a jacket on. You’re going to get frostbite.” like mine did. I am happy that she did because when you are outside with your jean shorts and hoodie and gloves and winter hat, half way acknowledging that it is cold enough for winter clothes, I am wearing pants and am pretty bundled up.

I hope that you have insurance for when the hospital has to amputate your stupid bare legs. I’m just concerned, you know?

Ugh…

I should just leave it at that. Right there. Done…but I can’t. Sorry friends. People kill me. They will be the death of me. Sometimes I want to take care of myself myself. There is a lot of things that I will miss, but some things I will not miss a single percent. For example…

I was driving down the street yesterday, on my way to get a nice lunch with my girlfriend. Morale was high. Spirits were high. Then I came to a stop light and caught something out of my peripheral vision. There was a group of people walking down the street. To my recollection, there was two women and three men. On top of that, there was a stroller and one of the women was carrying an infant on her shoulder under a blanket. On this particular corner, there are a series of shops. Grocery on the left, eyeglasses and restaurant on the right. “Mike, that’s only three shops. Isn’t there supposed to be four?“ Why yes, there is. The last spot on this particular corner was a head shop. “What’s a head shop?“. Seriously? I don’t even do drugs and I think that my mom, who also doesn’t do drugs told me what it was. I think that she told me when I was young, too. How I retained that I have no idea.

So I am on the corner for the worlds longest red light and I am looking at this family thinking, “Please don’t go into that place.” and about twenty seconds later, they went in there.

What part of you would think that’s a good idea. You can take your baby to bars and it’s better. I think that it’s about the equivalent of bringing a baby to a strip club. I mean all strip clubs, guys who think that they are going to a classier strip club. Let me ask you a question. Are you eating and drinking less than 5 feet from some womans gaping vagina? Then it’s disgusting. Cover your glass when she walks over because crabs are known to jump over ten feet.

What are you going to do when you are in there? Are you going to look for bongs with friendly faces on it so the kids don’t get scared that there is a 68 year old man that still talks about Woodstock like it was yesterday and smells like tree bark and pachouli and has been wearing the same Grateful Dead shirt since the ’76 tour? If you live close enough that you can walk to the shop, than you live close enough to leave your kids at home with someone that’s a little more responsible than you and go get your rolling papers without your kids pullings pipes off the shelf.

Don’t use the word, “Man” so much and don’t bring your children to places that condone drug use. You’re a terrible parent.

Everyone loves music. You do, I do, your mom does, even your gramma whom you’ve never heard even put on one of those 78’s the she has a box of underneath a record player you’ve never seen used does. This is the first fact of this little complaint.

On the flipside, we have all gone to concerts with bands that we weren’t that fond of. We might even go as far as saying that they suck. I know that I have…a lot. When we see these bands that we don’t like, we leave for a bit, maybe get some pizza or taco if you are lucky enough to be at a venue that is by a taco joint. We go outside and hang out with friends who hold similar taste, or lack thereof, for the current band playing. It’s not disrespectful because it could be much worse. Those who are eating a burrito or those who have decided to leave for a little bit to hit on that girl with the sweet extra large Slayer hoodie and skinny jeans which is completely contradictory and you look rediculous which is a side note that we can address later if you’d like, are considerate as to not disturb the band. Which leads me to the associated image. Take a good look. I will be referencing it shortly.

As you can see, this scene takes place in a small club. There is a female singer and male guitar player. It’s an acoustic act and the PA is small and it’s a very close, intimate, show. Now pull your eyes to the right. See that gentleman on what looks like an arcade game? It’s not. It’s a jukebox. He actually went up to the jukebox while the band was playing and began to shuffle through the available selection, probably looking for Sublime and that Steve Miller song that refers to the “Midnight Toker” if I had to put money on it.

I don’t know what else to say aside from, don’t do this. Any while you’re at it, don’t listen to Sublime or The Steve Miller Band.

Remember when you were in sixth grade and you had that one friend who’s mom let them drink coffee and you were jealous because of it only to realize then in seven years you realize that they weren’t that cool and that coffee isn’t that great in the long run? These people still drink coffee and you know what, good because these people are fine with me. Young kids drinking coffee, that’s no good. Give that kid some juice and tell him coffee is for adults and pretentious pricks that think that they still get “wired” from drinking that same gross cup of espresso that they have built up an immunity to.

So let’s take a trip, shall we? Let me take you to your local coffee shop. Starbucks is not your local coffee shop. Sorry, but it’s not and I am not even that sorry to be quite honest. Let’s go and get some tea and a sandwich because I love sandwiches. Wow, it sure is packed in here, I hope we get a spot. Watch that guy who looks like he’s done eating so that we can take his spot. Or that kid over there who is also just sitting there with an empty cup. Oh oh oh, that woman over there just put down her news paper, watch her! Wait a minute, no one here is actually doing anything! That kid is on the computer with no coffee or food. Those jerks are taking up a big table to study and not patron the shop. These two old birds are talking over a closed box of cupcakes for over a half an hour.

No one has the courtesy to say, “Oh, hey…you know what? There are people standing up and trying to find a spot. Maybe I’ve been here long enough reading this book and not buying a single thing. I’ll get up and leave and let these people sit down.”

You’ve got to be kidding me. If you owned a shop and people came in to read the paper and check email and study and not buy anything, you would be pissed. So stop being a dick and buy something or leave. Jesus, even homeless people know to stay outside when they don’t have any money. That’s right, you are worse to society than a homeless person. I hope that burns more than when you told your dad you were going to school for theater or dance.

This is a post for all of the people that go to parties, and are known for calling everyone Guy. Stop going to Frat parties and calling people “Guy”. That person may be a guy but is not the Guy. This “Guy” in the picture is one of many Guys at Buffalo State I’m sure. He was dorming in the same building as me for my first and only year of dorming. I also have no idea what his real name is, and I’m sure his friends don’t either. I’m sorry if your name is actually Guy, it’s not your fault.

At least this Guy is in his element on collegehumor.com.

Are you really this bad a parent? Is your child so frickin’ disobedient that you can’t seem to keep the kid from running off into crowds in airports, zoos, and other public places? Here’s an idea, you know how we put Fido on a leash so he doesn’t run into traffic? Yeah, why don’t we try doing that with little Hayden or McKenzie (these kids always have named like this – or Taylor, or Sydney).
Now as if harnessing your child and pulling him or her back to you with a leash isn’t bad enough, in an attempt to make this look less like you’ve dressed your poorly behaved toddler in bondage gear they’ve gone and made these little animal shaped backpacks. In my travels I have seen quite a few kids wearing monkeys with excessively long tails, at the end of these long tails are bad mothers being pulled through crowded terminals by screaming toddlers with snot dripping down their faces.
People, I beg of you, don’t harness your child. Instead, how about you just teach the little shit how to behave. It would benefit the greater good if you could just be a decent parent and save the leashes for your pets.

Stop this. Stop this immediately. If it isn’t Halloween I do not want to see you in a costume for any other reason you might attempt to come up with. I do not care if there is an awesome movie coming out. I do not care how excited you are about the fact that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out tonight. I bought the book. I saw the last movie…at midnight even. I admit to my own dorkiness, but did I wear a costume to these events? No. No, I did not. Not only do i not own the items necessary to create a costume for these occasions, but I am not going to go buy them because honestly, if you’re wearing a costume to a movie premier, a book release, or anywhere you may be going other than trick-or-treating on October 31st you’re obviously a complete asshole.
Let me tell you this, if you’re going out in public wearing a cape you damn well better be coming home with a big bag of possibly poisoned candy given to you by neighborhood strangers. If you’re donning a cape for anything less, I hope you have no friends and attend Star Trek conventions because if that’s not your present it is definitely your future. I hate you and your role playing games and your overly spirited attitude toward things that should pass time not fill time.

I know, I know; I am turning into the bitch who tells people how to act. I don’t care.
Here’s the thing, I have barely more than half the hearing capacity of a normal human being, and yet i still find myself wishing for quiet in most situations. If I think you’re being too loud, what must everyone else be hearing?
Exhibit A: Sporting Events. Cheering, clapping, and shouting are to expected. “Shoot the puck!” “Scoooore Wooooo!” This is fine. Why, why dear god, is there always some idiot girl (always a girl) who is SCREAMING? Not cheering, not yelling, not shouting, but actually forcing a blood curdling scream that I’d personally reserve for a situation in which I found myself in immediate mortal danger, like perhaps if someone was stabbing me to death.
You’re not spirited when you scream like this. No one appreciates your excitement or dedication to the team. You are being disruptive. Take your cue from those around you and cheer like a normal sports fan.
Exhibit B: Large Concerts. Pretty much review the above only replace all the sports references with “your favorite pop star” or “those eyeliner wearing dorks in fall out boy.” Chances are if you fall into this category you’re a teenage girl. There is even a chance that the people falling into this category are being escorted by supposedly mature adults. This is where we return to the ever important concept of CONTROLLING YOUR CHILD. If your 13 year old daughter emits a deafening scream, tell her to cut the shit. Don’t let her scream because “she is having fun.” That’s not fun. Screaming is tiring and painful. Cheering and singing along is fun. This is not difficult to understand.
The most important thing to understand is that the people around you ALSO paid for tickets to the event you are disrupting. On the rare occasion that I blow $90 on a concert ticket, I damn well better hear Alicia Keys singing and playing her piano instead of the four twenty-something girls screaming their guts out behind me. If I wanted to listen to women screaming unnecessarily I would watch porn or listen to Walls of Jericho. Shut the fuck up.

I know there’s already a “smoking etiquette” entry but i don’t give a fuck because I do what I want. I’m a surly motherfucker. Anyway… on the real, I don’t give a shit where you smoke…at all. You can smoke you ciggs outside the door or in the nursery ward of the hospital. Whatever. What I don’t get is why do you have to throw your butts on the ground. I know its crazy, but there actually are people who have to sweep those little fuckers up. Do you understand how gross it is to have to pick them out of your flower bed or from the cracks of the sidewalk? Imagine if I went around nervously chain devouring pizza and throwing the crust in front of your business or home. That would blow… having to pick up nasty crust. You don’t know where my mouth has been. And don’t give me the “cigarettes are biodegradable” line. They aren’t and are more importantly annoying to look at. Cut the shit.

Let me just enlighten you here, THE ACTORS CAN’T HEAR YOU. I am sure that they are totally thrilled that you enjoyed the movie. The director appreciates that you bought a ticket and got your money’s worth. The other people in the theater (my friends and I) don’t need to be deafened by a round of applause at the end of the pre-recorded, edited, and screened film. As a matter of fact, the only thing we moviegoers need less than a round of applause at the end of the film is one right in the middle of the film. I know you’re pumped about Transformers and Optimus Prime’s first appearance was a big deal for you. Sit, enjoy it, smile. Don’t clap. I paid ten dollars to see whichever movie I am seeing and when you clap through dialogue you’re wasting my money and yours. I don’t want to sound like a total killjoy, but there is a time and a place for applause, and it’s not at any point during any movie.
Consider this post a warning to those of you attending screenings of Harry Potter this coming week. Your need to applaud people who are not in the building is ridiculous, and so is your need to wear a cape – but we’ll get to that another time.