Complaint After Complaint

Sometimes new fashion trends are revolutionary. Sometimes people start wearing things and years later it still looks good.
Other times, designers put their models on runways in cuffed shorts and stiletto heels. I am not totally sure who started this, but if i could trace it back to the beginning, please believe I’d cut this idea off at its source. Why take a casual clothing item most frequently and most appropriately worn by children or more athletic adults and combine it with impractical footwear? I don’t understand. Shorts, for function, not fashion, mixed with shoes clearly made for fashion, not function.
In the photo to the left Victoria Beckham has decided to provide a glowing example of the worst thing to hit America this summer. Not everything on the runway is a good idea, Posh.
Here’s the deal, girls: wear your shorts to the gym and your fancy shoes out on the town, but do not look like you tried to find a multi-purpose outfit practical for both campfires and dance clubs. Don’t believe everything you read. you look like a little kid who broke into mommy’s closet and couldn’t reach anything but the shoes.

It’s July and it’s 90 something degrees out. Time to break out the jeans skirt and tank top. Totally appropriate for the weather. Totally inappropriate? Wearing leg warmers with your skirt. They do just what the name says. Why not just wear jeans if you don’t want people to see your calves? You’ll look way less ridiculous and way less like you can’t decide if you’re going to an 80’s dance class or the mall.
It’s not an oxymoron. You’re just a moron.
Even worse, wearing leg warmers and flip flops. In fact, let’s just say no leg warmers.

I can not believe that this is still happening. It never looked good. It was never acceptible and never once did I think to myself, “You know Mike, I think that I am going to let this collar stay up.” I mean come on, you know that it happened one day when some lazy a-hole decided to just leave them up. They come up all the time. Use more starch to keep them down. Remember wearing a collared shirt and having a friend or co-worker say, “Oh hey, buddy. You’re collar is up.” and you would say, “Thanks” and then put it down? That’s the way that it should still be. Not something disastrous like in this following made up scenario.

“Hey man, you’re collar’s up.” to which you respond with, “Oh I know. And I like it.”

You’re f’n fired, brother. Now you’ve got your girlfriend poppin’ that collar? I don’t know what’s worse. Probably still the guy because female fashion changes so frequently that next week no self-respecting woman will have one because it will be such a faux pas that you will be excommunicated from the female race if you do. It’s that harsh. What a harsh world we live in.

God bless T-Shirts and Jeans. I am always, at most, moderately in style.

There are few things in life that I hate more than other people’s children. This is pretty much a given. But among the many things that are aggravating about these swarms of children everywhere i go, is the need of people to attach lights to their children’s feet. This is lame second only to Heely shoes and the constant attachment of wheels to kids.
Is this little hyperactive fool’s need to run in circles and tap his feet not enough without the miniature red light show that catches the eye of everyone in the room? How has this not given someone a seizure yet?
The worst thing is, not only are there light up sneakers, but there are light up plastic dress shoes with clear high heels that light up red for young strippers in training. I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me. I can tell you right now that when i decide to grace to population with new additions by having well-trained and well-dressed children of my own, no temper tantrum they could ever muster would find me permitting them to be seen in public in light-up shoes. Over my dead body.

Now, thinking about this I wasn’t sure if it should fall under the “People” category or the “Clothing” category, but here we are. The thing is, ladies, even though I am of the school of women who believe that nearly no one has a body good enough to legitimately wear a thong, that’s totally beside the point that thongs CAN be worn WITHOUT being seen by EVERYONE WHO WALKS BY.
This phenomenon to the left is called “whale tail” and in spite of the fact that some (often white trash) people may think that this is sexy, it’s really, really not. Here’s the thing, being able to see this much of your thong means that in your thong’s absence, we’d be able to see that much of your crack. Crack is whack. You’ve learned it, you’ve loved it, now apply it to your daily life and, more importantly, your thong!

Sometimes I get tired. It’s late and I have to move my car and I don’t really feel like putting pants on because I am ready for bed. I grumble for about 30 seconds and decide to just suck it up, put pants on, and then move the car.

I absolutely hate it when people don’t “suck it up” like I illustrated above and wear sleep pants outside. It’s 2:30 in the afternoon and I am out and people are walking around in pajama bottoms and some ragged old T-shirt sixteen sizes bigger than they should be wearing. I find that girls do this more than guys, but when guys do it I think that it’s worse because they go the whole nine yards and wear sweatpants, sandals and socks, don’t shave, and some Champion T-Shirt that belonged to a man that weighed no less than 300lbs.

So why is it that I put forth the effort to wear decent clothing and everyone else just feels the need the “slum it”. That’s not right. Just shut up and put on some pants. It’s not that hard. I am sure since you are already dressed like a piece of garbage that your room is a mess and when reaching for your trusty ol’ flannels, you can move your hand a few inches in either direction and find some jeans on your messy floor.

Jeans are cheap. Get to it and stop looking like a dumpy bitch all the time.

Now, I am not going to lie. I own leggings. I actually spent a couple years on a search for leggings to wear in place of stockings or tights during the cold months so that I would not have to retire my skirts for winter each year. However, I was always unsuccessful in finding them until a couple years ago they became some sort of fashion trend.
Here’s the problem: why are girls wearing these with miniskirts and sundresses in 90 degree July weather? This is not cute and moreover this is not practical. It’s goddamn a million degrees out in the beating sun and I know you want to impress the boy in the girls jeans with the eyeliner and the shotgun haircut, but I really hope those capri-length leggings with a lace-trimmed bottom don’t do the trick when they are soaked with sweat because you’ve opted to wear them in August. A good question to ask yourself may be “Would I wear tights today?” If the answer is no, then leggings are probably that much worse an idea.
While I am on the topic of this specific clothing article, I will also say that wearing them as pants, especially when they are one of those rare pairs that is composed of enough lycra to show ever minor detail, is unnecessary. I think I speak for everyone when I say that no one wants to see your cooter. Put on a real pair of pants or find some other way to cover up your genitals because if I can see the outline of them I can pretty much guarantee that you’ve ruined my day and the days of most people you’ve encountered. As a matter of fact, I am angry just thinking about it.
I would have thought this would have ended by now, but clearly it’s a lasting trend like red and black scene hair. It’s no coincidence the same people are guilty of these offenses.

Ok I know that streetwear isn’t everyone’s top priority, but its what I do for a living. Trends come and go while the rest of America (i.e. Basically anywhere that is not a legitimate city) takes and extra 4 years to catch up. At this point, I have to say that the only thing more annoying than a whole collection of all-over print t-shirts and hoodies is the use of cartoon media icons on clothing. Disney, The Muppets… whatever. Do you know i actually had to look at an all-over print Gargamel hoodie today? Yes, the old creepy bald guy from the Smurfs. Fucking Gargamel!? When did streetwear heads turn into a bunch pedos? “Hey little Jimmy, do you like cartoons and windowless vans?”. Creepy right? Well so is your fucking Alife Cookie Monster t-shirt. What are you 8? The fashion design industry must be as tapped for ideas as Hollywood these days. Maybe this is just the end result of years and years of Ritalin.

In closing, all you assholes look like clowns. I talked to Pharrell and he said its ok for you to get a fucking job now .

Stop it. You look like an idiot. Flip Flops are one thing. Black Adidas sandals are one thing. Socks and sandals are a totally other thing. You are wearing styrofoam shoes. Buy yourself a pair of real shoes and cut the crap. But wait…we’re not through, because now you can buy charms to put in the little vent holes. So great, you’ve got a pair of Crocs and they have a little pig charm. For every charm you kill me that much faster.

Pants that are pants but almost a skirt? These are not flattering on any body type and do not look good in any situation. The wide leg makes them impractical for working out which might be the only situation in which pants like these might be presentable. Gaucho pants are solid proof that if you put it in a magazine, some sorority girl will try it on for size – with flip flops, with pointy-toed heels, and with ballet flats. I thought it would be over by now, but it’s not. A brisk walk through any shopping mall or college campus will have you seeing these horrific pants billowing in the breeze. ladies, tell me, when’s it gonna end?