Complaint After Complaint

What the fuck are you doing here? You’ve really gone and done it this time. You’re not white trash from below the Mason Dixon line. You don’t live in a trailer park. You’re supposed to know better. Actually, you DO know better. For some ungodly reason you knowingly went out and got a white trash haircut. As if that weren’t enough, then you flat-ironed it, shaved tracks into the side, fashioned the top into a faux hawk, or all of the above. Maybe your mullet is black and pink, maybe it is blonde and red, maybe you’ve paired it with sweet guyliner and super skinny jeans. I don’t really care what other shitty trend you’re grouping this with, this is a terrible idea you had. A TERRIBLE IDEA.
As if seeing these monstrous hairstyles all over Barcelona hadn’t been horrifying enough for me, I travel a hop, skip, and a jump across the Canadian border the other day only to realize that the concert I am attending has a crowd that is possibly 40% comprised of Canadian kids with fashion mullets. Seriously? Oh you are going to look back on old pictures of yourself within two years and be soooo embarrassed. SOOOO embarrassed.
Here’s the thing, it’s not really business in the front, party in the back. There is nothing stylish about this. You don’t look cool. You are actually so desperate to be different, or something, that you’re sporting a poorly updated version of a hairstyle that never looked good to begin with. You might be better off copying the Farrah Fawcett look, I mean, you’ll still look totally ridiculous but at least at some point in history people actually thought that was hot. It became white trash to feather the front layers of your hair years later. Mullets, I am not so sad to say, have been white trash since day one. Since day one and it is never changing.

If Britney Spears’s disastrous marriage to K-Fed taught us anything, it should have been that white guys can’t pull off cornrows. Yet somehow I saw a guy just today attempting to work with this major hair don’t.
There isn’t really much I can say in response to the worst idea ever other than Cut The Crap. You can try all day and all night but you’re never going to be as cool as the guy in the R&B group on MTV doing sweet hip-hop moves. I know you had it rough growing up in a two-parent home in the suburbs and you want to braid your hair so people believe you have some sort of street-cred, but really, give it up. There are some things that not just anyone can pull off and this is definitely one of them. Please stop. Please. You look ridiculous and I will not be held responsible for pointing and laughing.

Men, do you think you’re fooling someone, anyone?
So you’re receding, thinning, whatever. Big deal. Try to maintain your dignity and don’t grow one section of your hair long in an attempt to cover the bare spaces. I mean honestly, bald men who do NOT do this look waaaaaay better than the ones who do. I am totally sure that we women are all unanimous in believing that. I am totally sure that men with hair agree as well. In fact, I am pretty sure that the only people who disagree are men with combovers.
What I truly wonder is, what do your stylists, barbers, or whatever, say when you go in for a trim and they comb that extra-long flap of hair out of the way and you go “oh hey, don’t cut that, i need it to cover this huge bald spot I have.” Has anyone ever told you to just give up and own what the lord gave ya? If not, someone really should, because combovers are absolutely inexcusable.

Do people encourage this look? In my image hunt I found more than one website that sells various colored dreadlock extensions. Honestly?

Now, obviously, this is a look most commonly seen on moron goth kids wearing dog collars and wide-leg pants with all sorts of zippers and chains. Clearly the bad choices these kids made aren’t only limited to their hair, but really, this is your hair. Hair is like an accessory you wear every day. Why would you attach oddly colored yarn directly to your scalp and (most likely) brag about your hair as being one of your greatest features. You look like an asshole. And when i say you look like an asshole I mean that people with dreadlocks the color of their natural hair generally look pretty stupid, but the decision to make them black, pink, orange, blue, or whatever color of the rainbow you seemed to think looked good only makes you look about a billion times dumber than the patchouli smelling hippie with the dirty blonde topknot smoking cloves in the park. Don’t worry, that guy will have his own whole separate complaint.

Yes, I am fully aware that you are the one who has to live with the hairstyle. That being stated, isn’t that more of a reason to listen to a prefessional so you don’t look like a jackass who isn’t allowed to look into mirrors?
Remember these people went to cosmetology school, not Hogwarts. They can’t lighten your hair from brown to blond in a visit (a la Sheer Genius and the girl who wanted her hair platinum in two hours. Pfff.)
Yes the pixie cut is in, but not for people with round faces. They look like jack-o-lanterns.
I don’t care if you KNOW what you want, if a trained professional tells you it’s not the best idea, then you should seriously listen. They don’t do this to make their life easier because what you want would take up too much of their time. They do it because they are trying to save you lots of embarassment and the “what was she thinking” look.
Furthermore, don’t think you can pull off difficult techniques by yourself like stripping your hair or trying to match a specific color. You will have to go to a stylist to fix it anyway.
Lastly, if you make a drastic chage, be ready to have the time and money to maintain it. When you go from light to dark and don’t fix your roots when they grow in, you look like you’re balding. When you go from dark to light, you look like trailer trash.
An ugly face is something you’re born with and expensive to fix. Ugly hair is really cheap to do but totally avoidable.