Complaint After Complaint

I don’t know how many of you good folks out there have tats, I have a couple, I like them they make me look tough. However, I don’t like it when people want to touch them. I know what you are thinking “Well, then why did you get them if you didn’t want people to comment on them you freak of nature?” I don’t mind at all when people ask questions politely and respectfully. BUT when you ask to see my tattoos and I say,“sure” all the sudden seeing starts happening with fingers instead of eyes, I’m not ok with that. I don’t know you, or where your hands have been. Why would you be surprised when I asked you not to touch me? You are a stranger! No my tattoo isn’t new, I just don’t like to be touched by people with whom I’m not acquainted that should be enough of an answer.

I always want to ask if they would ever touch someone with an oddly shaped birthmark, let’s say it looks like Abe Lincoln. I can’t imagine anyone asking where they got that done, or if it hurt and then maybe giving Abe’s “beard“a little scratch just to see if it’s fuzzy. I am not a circus freak people! I just have some pictures on me that I happen to like. Let me live in peace, but if you need to know something just be nice to me and I’m sure you’ll get an answer. I feel like this goes for all the tattooed gum chewing freaks out there. Just love us, we’re people too.

Ohhhh you’re soooo badass! Sometimes I can’t decide what’s worse, the fact that people get these tattoos or the fact that these people are so proud of them they proudly take pictures and put them on the internet. Even worse than that girl’s horrific chest piece at left is the ever popular guns-on-hips option. Really? Girls do this more often than guys and is it supposed to be sexy? I’ve tried and tried and i can’t nail down the motivation behind tattooing controversial weapons on the body, male or female. Are these weapons you’d actually carry? Does something about the thought of a picture of cold, hard steel etched into your skin make you feel cool?
I’m not arguing for or against gun control here, that’s so not my issue right now. All I am trying to do is figure out how you’re going to feel about those sweet revolvers you tattooed on your stomach when you’re 33 years old, 8 months pregnant, and they’re stretched so far they kind of resemble rifles. Oooh, now THAT is badass! Show ‘em what you’re made of.

Really? Are you going to forget? I forget peoples names all the time. I meet them and forget it instantly. I meet people, don’t see them for a few years or months and forget it. I still know mine. I am assuming that you know yours. How else would you put your signature on checks or sign your emails label things in the fridge at work so your dick co-workers don’t take your sandwiches? So why would you put it on your own body permanently. I mean, do you really like it that much? My name is Mike and I don’t mind it one bit but I am not so proud of it that I would get it on me. Maybe not proud is the wrong word. Stupid. There it is. That’s the word. People that see you pumping gas with your stupid name tattooed on yourself don’t care about your name and neither do I.

Stop this. Tattoos of pinups may have been a good idea at some point in history (I am saying they may have, not necessarily that they were) but now they are just a shitty cliche. Worse yet are the cherry tattoos popping up on every lame cookie-cutter girl who LOVES [insert terrible band name here]. Are y’all kidding me?
Here’s the deal: cherries are a delicious fruit, a little overpriced but still. They are not something you want to permanently ink into your body as if it means something to you, and don’t argue about tattoos as art because i think most people can draw excellent cherries by the time they reach kindergarten. You look like an idiot, plain and simple. Traditional artwork is one thing but lame cliches are a whole different ball game and that’s the game you’re playing and it has no rules and let me tell you, people need rules.
You’ve got a pinup girl on your left arm and cherries on your hips, perhaps alongside a set of revolvers you made the poor decision of tattooing on yourself as well. You’re probably most easily found standing outside Fall Out Boy’s tour bus waiting to offer Pete Wentz a blow job on his way into the venue. That’s effing awesome like whoa!

Really? That’s the decision that you made. I think that Todd Barry said it best by saying, “You forgot to not do that.” It’s almost never a decent tattoo and it can’t be covered up unless you want to wear a turtleneck or if you’re even dumber that I think and you wear a mock-turtleneck. It’s great that you love your mom, but that’s what the forearm is for. I guarantee that your ma’s would like it more if you got it on your arm or even a chest piece would be better than a friggin’ neck tattoo. Your mom would probably just like it better if your dumb ass sent a card. Don’t forget about your moms birthday. That’s something you might regret more than your stupid new tattoo.