Complaint After Complaint

I know, I know. I’ve touched this topic before, but seriously, no one will learn. First off, I am an idiot. I will admit that. Ladies? Don’t you love a man who will admit when they are wrong? Well I am not in the mood for you to get your lady hands all over me so find someone else to fondle. I love my car. I love my bike. With this being said, I don’t love a lot of things. Burritos, that’s another one. Pizza? You bet. Coming home early so that I can be “green” and ride my bike to work and not being able to find a spot ever…not something I love.

With that being said, let’s go back to the time that I called myself an idiot. Remember that? Well I live on a street with a hospital on it, so everyone who makes that one trip to visit their grandma or see their stupid little brother that broke his arm jumping from couch to couch over the weekend when mom and dad went out to get lunch and left you and him along for an hour.

My complex is not too bad. It’s close to stuff I like and people that I love, but seriously…there is a parking ramp across the street from the hospital. Use it so that people who pay too much in rent and actually live in the houses and don’t have a garage or driveway like you lucky people in the suburbs can park somewhere.

So enjoy that global warming feeling today because I was trying to cool things down a notch with the ol’ BMX. It’s better when it’s warm out, anyhow.

Sometimes it’s hard to drive in the snow. I know that my car is actually pretty terrible and I am a good winter driver. Because of that, I take it a little slower on turns and have mastered counter steering and E-Brake slides. I’m ready for what the winter has to throw at me. Let me tell you who is not ready in a segment I’d like to call, “Why are you braking?”

Imagine, if you will, a bad storm. I don’t know if you like in snowy areas like I do, but for you tropical folks, imagine driving through those wicked hurricane-esque thunderstorms and we will be on the same page. So we’re driving. We’re driving 10+ under the speed limit and we might even still be going a little fast, but we know how to drive so we are under control. We are at 10 and 2 or that new one that they decided was better or we drive a stick and are just intently clutching and shifting to best suit the weather. Then we approach a car, or in 98% of cases, a minivan with their brake lights on. So you have to do that “almost woah” brake because their could be something in front of that car like a deer or an accident or a snow dune or whatever. You drive behind this person for what feels like an eternity but is only a quarter mile. They have hit the brakes at least fourteen times and you are baffled and have no idea what could be in front of them. You decide to pass them only to find that there is nothing in front of them and they are just driving like a dick. It happens to me every time it snows like crazy. People just tap the breaks constantly. You know what you can do to save me the headache and you the cost of new brakes every other week? Drive slower. That’s it. Less gas means that you don’t need the brakes so much. It’s so easy it’s amazing that you hadn’t thought of it earlier. Well, you were probably too busy braking to think of it. Trade in your car for a bus pass and get off the road because you are going to kill someone driving like an asshole way before you spin off the road.

So I am driving down the road today on my way to work today and I am merging in a normally difficult section but this time, it was not the case. So I look behind me and a ways back there is a Jaguar with it’s right turn signal on so I assume that he is merging where I am coming out, so I pull out in front of him, by like 100+ feet. He rides up to my bumper also riding his horn. What a total dick. He may have a problem with my driving, but I did nothing wrong and you left your blinker on. I can’t tell you how many times in the city where people just leave them on. I had a car that used to alert me when I left my turn signal on for an extended period of time. Thank you, Pontiac. Can’t you hear that clicking that goes on for 30 blocks or do you have your music too loud? I don’t know. You’re an idiot and it shows because you are a 30 year old in a Jaguar that’s not an XK. Way to go, gramps.

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Why would you do this? Do your feet smell, are they sweating, has somebody made a comment about them or do you just wish to advertise that your toenails are painted toxic orange? We’ve all seen what happens to people that stick their feet out the window if you’ve ever seen the movie Death Proof and it’s not good. It seems to be mostly women but I’m fairly certain that men are also stupid enough to put their dumb sandal wearing feet outside the window as well. I would like to think that the rules of a roller-coaster are much like that of and automobile and that is as follows: “Please keep your arms and feet inside the vehicle at all times .” From now on I would like to see nothing more than an elbow sticking out of a car because when you lose it, and you will lose it, I don’t want to hear you complaining because you brought on yourself.

It upsets me that I have wasted far too much time trying to figure out the worst form of communication in regards to bumper stickers. There have been too many times when I have been at a red light trying to figure out what “gjh” means. It can be amusing making up your own but most of the time it’s just irritating. Showing the drivers behind you who your favorite Republican/Democratic candidate may be is one thing, but throwing any random abbreviation into an oval is completely meaningless.

Also, who decided on an oval? It’s hard to believe some asshole is actually making money off of placing Arial Black abbreviations inside of an oval, and adding a border.

Overall if you are trying to communicate that you enjoy a certain national park or something, this is not the way to do it.

Just so everyone knows, you CANNOT have a vanity plate on your car without looking stupid. It’s impossible. Here’s the thing, there is no such thing as a bad vanity plate and that is because there is no such thing as a good vanity plate. I don’t care what kind of car you drive or how clever you think your idea is, every single human being with common sense who sees your license plate is thinking “what an idiot.” If it’s me or one of my friends, we might even be reaching for our camera phones to share your stupidity for sheer amusement.
The other day I saw a minivan with a vanity plate that said “LORDNOSE.” Seriously? That is so ridiculous I can’t even respond to it intelligently. I can say this, whether you’re LORDNOSE or DIVA1, you are drawing only negative attention to yourself and I speak for everyone on the road when i say we’re laughing AT you, not WITH you.

Listen kid, this is life here, not “The Fast and the Furious.” Driving some super pimped out car does NOT make you look cool. We live in a world where driving too ridiculous of an unmodified car you look like an asshole (such as a Hummer H2). When you take your Honda Civic, or even worse, your Chevy Cavalier, and add rear spoilers, front lip spoilers, rims, crazy paint jobs, tints, decals, silly lights, etc., you are not “improving” your vehicle or your image. What you are instead accomplishing is making yourself look like a really big jerk with a really small penis. Believe me, that’s what we’re allllll thinking. Men and women alike are looking at you, looking at your car, and marveling at the lethal combination of stupidity and insecurity that have made you take a perfectly good car and turn it into a moronmobile. We also don’t appreciate you trying to race us on the road. If I thought you were stupid BEFORE you made an effort to prove you were cool by speeding away from me, imagine what I must think of you after that display of ignorance in traffic?
In the future, just drive your car as it is and stop being such a wanker. If you really want to drive a car that serves as a warning to all other people that you’re worthless, that’s what those Hummers are for, and if you can’t afford one of those i hear PT Cruisers are reasonably cheap and I guarantee you’ll still look like a jackass.

Has anyone ever taken the time to learn what this traffic sign is actually telling you to do? Driving on any highway in basically any city indicates that most people have no idea what to do when faced with a yield sign.
Here’s the thing, a yield sign means that you need to attempt to merge into traffic while giving right of way to people who are already on the road. This means do not floor your gas and think you are just going to smoothly fly onto the highway while everyone else tries to give you space without causing a pileup.
At the same time, overly cautious yielders aggravate those behind them. When you are approaching a highway on which there is little to no traffic – you DO NOT need to stop. The sign says “YIELD,” you don’t have to actually follow that rule when there are no cars to yield to.
I understand this sounds very complicated and you didn’t know that operating a two ton vehicle required any kind of thought or common sense, but contrary to popular belief you actually do need to know these things to drive on the road safely with the other people.

Ugh. Are your parents so bad that you can’t talk to them? I asked a few people and they didn’t have a problem, but this is my site and I have a problem with it. I hate seeing kids, mostly teens, in cars with their parents (or guardians) listening to headphones. I grew up listening to my talk radio with my dad. It was terrible. Turns out that when I am in the car, on my way to work that’s all that I listen to. Irony. Anyhow, kids are sitting the front seat listening to headphones totally tuning out the people that they are driving them places…probably the mall…to buy choker necklaces. Is it so hard to ride for a couple minutes with people that you can turn the Blink182 in your headphones and talk to your parents. They could have some important information for you. Like, for example, how disrespectful it is to ride in the car with headphones on.

Oh come on now? Take a look at that image and tell me that not a single ounce of you wants to either slash the tires or key some derogatory comment into the side. This happens all the time. There is more than enough room to park two cars in that spot. There is more than enough room to park two Hummers. No, not the H3’s or even the H2’s. I am talking Army style. Arnold style. Personally, I think that they should give tickets for that. I mean, if I get a ticket for parking legitimately 15 minutes past the time that I have to move, this guy should get a ticket for taking up “golden” legal parking space. Goddamnit…just look at that picture again and comment about this a-hole for me. I don’t even know what to say anymore.