Andrea's Complaint After Complaint

Brass Knuckles as Decoration?

Andrea — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 09:44:38 PST

okay, here’s a phenomenon that seems almost exclusive to scene trash. are you really wearing a little silver or pink brass knuckles charm around your neck? i mean, honestly? this is ALMOST as ridiculous as gun tattoos on the hips with the exception of the fact that tattoos are permanent and you could potentially remove your brass knuckles necklace and throw it in the trash and pretend that you were never stupid enough to go to www.trashvilleusa.com and buy such a thing in the first place. i mean, have you ever even SEEN real brass knuckles? probably not. do you even care? again, probably not.
let’s go through a quick rundown of the types of girls who wear these things, shall we?
so along with a brass knuckles charm necklace a really good piece of scene trash might also have a pair of flats with hot pink skulls on them, cheap skinny jeans, a pinup girl tattoo, a headband with cherries on it, and a horrific haircut that is an embarrassing combination of asymmetry, long-in-the-front-short-in-the-back (a reverse mullet, if you will), and botched self-color work.
you should be ASHAMED of yourself. go give a hummer to the guy with the red and black hair and the crossed revolvers belt buckle. i hope your brass knuckles necklace strangles you as you sleep passed out on someone’s dirty apartment floor.

Incompetency vs. Attitude

Andrea — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 09:29:46 PST

so here’s the deal, when i am entering any place of business from a doctor’s office to a bank to a hardware store, i expect to be treated as though my business is welcome. working in the service industry myself, i know it is not particularly hard to welcome customers unless they are rude to you first. i’m polite to those receptionists when i enter the doctor’s office, i expect them to return the favor.
now, i get that you hate your tedious job and you want to take it out on me because my job is more fun than yours AND i probably make more money and am 20 years your junior, but IF you MUST be rude to me could you AT LEAST be able to do your job well? i am positive i’d be more patient about your stinky attitude if you were able to help me make an appointment without crossing your eyes at me like i’m asking you to split an atom when i asked you to schedule an appointment for me. you’ve got two options, rudeness or incompetency. you do not get to do both. those two qualities do not go well together. i mean really, you have to be kidding me. especially the old woman who takes my co-pay, seriously, i will reach across that counter and yank the wig off her head if it’s the last thing i do.
so seriously, get your shit together people. you don’t get to be a jerk to me because i am asking you to perform a seemingly simple task that isn’t just a part of your job but it literally IS your ENTIRE job. please believe that the minute i see you raise one eyebrow at me like i am inconveniencing you i will do my best to make sure i am the most unpleasant person you’ve dealt with in years.
and yes, i did use a picture from don’t tell mom the babysitter’s dead for this entry.

Children on Leashes!

Andrea — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 10:19:19 PDT

Are you really this bad a parent? Is your child so frickin’ disobedient that you can’t seem to keep the kid from running off into crowds in airports, zoos, and other public places? Here’s an idea, you know how we put Fido on a leash so he doesn’t run into traffic? Yeah, why don’t we try doing that with little Hayden or McKenzie (these kids always have named like this – or Taylor, or Sydney).
Now as if harnessing your child and pulling him or her back to you with a leash isn’t bad enough, in an attempt to make this look less like you’ve dressed your poorly behaved toddler in bondage gear they’ve gone and made these little animal shaped backpacks. In my travels I have seen quite a few kids wearing monkeys with excessively long tails, at the end of these long tails are bad mothers being pulled through crowded terminals by screaming toddlers with snot dripping down their faces.
People, I beg of you, don’t harness your child. Instead, how about you just teach the little shit how to behave. It would benefit the greater good if you could just be a decent parent and save the leashes for your pets.

Fashion and Euro Mullets.

Andrea — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 10:49:40 PDT

What the fuck are you doing here? You’ve really gone and done it this time. You’re not white trash from below the Mason Dixon line. You don’t live in a trailer park. You’re supposed to know better. Actually, you DO know better. For some ungodly reason you knowingly went out and got a white trash haircut. As if that weren’t enough, then you flat-ironed it, shaved tracks into the side, fashioned the top into a faux hawk, or all of the above. Maybe your mullet is black and pink, maybe it is blonde and red, maybe you’ve paired it with sweet guyliner and super skinny jeans. I don’t really care what other shitty trend you’re grouping this with, this is a terrible idea you had. A TERRIBLE IDEA.
As if seeing these monstrous hairstyles all over Barcelona hadn’t been horrifying enough for me, I travel a hop, skip, and a jump across the Canadian border the other day only to realize that the concert I am attending has a crowd that is possibly 40% comprised of Canadian kids with fashion mullets. Seriously? Oh you are going to look back on old pictures of yourself within two years and be soooo embarrassed. SOOOO embarrassed.
Here’s the thing, it’s not really business in the front, party in the back. There is nothing stylish about this. You don’t look cool. You are actually so desperate to be different, or something, that you’re sporting a poorly updated version of a hairstyle that never looked good to begin with. You might be better off copying the Farrah Fawcett look, I mean, you’ll still look totally ridiculous but at least at some point in history people actually thought that was hot. It became white trash to feather the front layers of your hair years later. Mullets, I am not so sad to say, have been white trash since day one. Since day one and it is never changing.

Wearing Costumes for No Apparent Reason.

Andrea — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 10:53:19 PDT

Stop this. Stop this immediately. If it isn’t Halloween I do not want to see you in a costume for any other reason you might attempt to come up with. I do not care if there is an awesome movie coming out. I do not care how excited you are about the fact that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out tonight. I bought the book. I saw the last movie…at midnight even. I admit to my own dorkiness, but did I wear a costume to these events? No. No, I did not. Not only do i not own the items necessary to create a costume for these occasions, but I am not going to go buy them because honestly, if you’re wearing a costume to a movie premier, a book release, or anywhere you may be going other than trick-or-treating on October 31st you’re obviously a complete asshole.
Let me tell you this, if you’re going out in public wearing a cape you damn well better be coming home with a big bag of possibly poisoned candy given to you by neighborhood strangers. If you’re donning a cape for anything less, I hope you have no friends and attend Star Trek conventions because if that’s not your present it is definitely your future. I hate you and your role playing games and your overly spirited attitude toward things that should pass time not fill time.

Shorts and High Heels.

Andrea — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 10:43:32 PDT

Sometimes new fashion trends are revolutionary. Sometimes people start wearing things and years later it still looks good.
Other times, designers put their models on runways in cuffed shorts and stiletto heels. I am not totally sure who started this, but if i could trace it back to the beginning, please believe I’d cut this idea off at its source. Why take a casual clothing item most frequently and most appropriately worn by children or more athletic adults and combine it with impractical footwear? I don’t understand. Shorts, for function, not fashion, mixed with shoes clearly made for fashion, not function.
In the photo to the left Victoria Beckham has decided to provide a glowing example of the worst thing to hit America this summer. Not everything on the runway is a good idea, Posh.
Here’s the deal, girls: wear your shorts to the gym and your fancy shoes out on the town, but do not look like you tried to find a multi-purpose outfit practical for both campfires and dance clubs. Don’t believe everything you read. you look like a little kid who broke into mommy’s closet and couldn’t reach anything but the shoes.

Screaming vs. Cheering

Andrea — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 11:23:13 PDT

I know, I know; I am turning into the bitch who tells people how to act. I don’t care.
Here’s the thing, I have barely more than half the hearing capacity of a normal human being, and yet i still find myself wishing for quiet in most situations. If I think you’re being too loud, what must everyone else be hearing?
Exhibit A: Sporting Events. Cheering, clapping, and shouting are to expected. “Shoot the puck!” “Scoooore Wooooo!” This is fine. Why, why dear god, is there always some idiot girl (always a girl) who is SCREAMING? Not cheering, not yelling, not shouting, but actually forcing a blood curdling scream that I’d personally reserve for a situation in which I found myself in immediate mortal danger, like perhaps if someone was stabbing me to death.
You’re not spirited when you scream like this. No one appreciates your excitement or dedication to the team. You are being disruptive. Take your cue from those around you and cheer like a normal sports fan.
Exhibit B: Large Concerts. Pretty much review the above only replace all the sports references with “your favorite pop star” or “those eyeliner wearing dorks in fall out boy.” Chances are if you fall into this category you’re a teenage girl. There is even a chance that the people falling into this category are being escorted by supposedly mature adults. This is where we return to the ever important concept of CONTROLLING YOUR CHILD. If your 13 year old daughter emits a deafening scream, tell her to cut the shit. Don’t let her scream because “she is having fun.” That’s not fun. Screaming is tiring and painful. Cheering and singing along is fun. This is not difficult to understand.
The most important thing to understand is that the people around you ALSO paid for tickets to the event you are disrupting. On the rare occasion that I blow $90 on a concert ticket, I damn well better hear Alicia Keys singing and playing her piano instead of the four twenty-something girls screaming their guts out behind me. If I wanted to listen to women screaming unnecessarily I would watch porn or listen to Walls of Jericho. Shut the fuck up.

Restaurant Etiquette Part II

Andrea — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 10:47:46 PDT

After another long weekend in the restaurant business, I naturally find myself with more to say. I’m gonna cut the bullshit right out of here and get straight to the goods:

When a server is taking your order, don’t keep your head down and speak into your menu. THE SERVER CAN’T HEAR YOU. I am not asking you to stand and shout, but speak at a reasonable volume and preferably don’t have something in or in front of your mouth that will muffle your speech. If you can’t order at a volume and clarity the server will hear, don’t act like you’re annoyed when you’re asked to repeat yourself. Wouldn’t you rather the server heard what you said and you got the right food? Help me help you. Jesus.

Ladies, why are your purses on the floor BEHIND your chair? Do your belongings mean nothing to you? Did you walk into the restaurant and immediately think “perhaps if I set my purse down in this walkway some waitress with sauce-covered shoes will step on it and destroy the bag and its contents! wouldn’t that be fun!?” If you don’t have an extra chair at the table to set it on, between seats or in front of you at your feet are probably more appropriate places than where people are walking.

Another question, why is your blackberry on the table? Even better, why is your $500 iphone on the table? Now chances are, the server won’t spill on the table – but you will. Furthermore, if you’re dumb enough to leave an expensive electronic device on a restaurant table, you’re probably dumb enough to cause the server to drop something, or to grab something off a tray causing the entire thing to pitch sideways…speaking of which…
I know you think the tray with allll the draft beers on it is heavy and you are trying to help, but there is a very careful balance going on when someone is carrying a flat tray with open glasses of heavy liquid. When the server removes a glass, he or she will adjust his or her hand beneath the tray to keep it steady, when you grab a glass off the tray – it falls. Let us remove the drinks from the tray, we’ll appreciate your help as you help us pass them out. Really.

The majority of American restaurants don’t have clamato juice to make bloody caesars. For all you confused Canadians, there is no plum sauce either.

Sentences that begin with the word “gimme” are not made polite by the addition of the word “please” at the end. I am not saying that servers need to hear “may I please have…” in order to not think you’re rude, but if you’re asked what you want, simple replying with the name of the item and the word please is sufficient. Here is a conversation I had recently:
“Can I get you anything else?”
“Gimme a water and get me a plate of sliced limes to go with it…please”

You may feel the urge to tell me that I am being a little ridiculous about what I expect of restaurant guests, but here’s the problem with that. I never broke any of these rules even before I had experience in the industry. For most people in any normal situation, common sense kicks in and people find it effortless to behave completely appropriately. For every bad customer, there are five good ones, but the bad ones can trigger a chain of event that lower the quality of everyone’s experience. I’m just saying, your servER is not your servANT. Learn how to be. It’s not that hard.

Clapping at Movies

Andrea — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 12:38:23 PDT

Let me just enlighten you here, THE ACTORS CAN’T HEAR YOU. I am sure that they are totally thrilled that you enjoyed the movie. The director appreciates that you bought a ticket and got your money’s worth. The other people in the theater (my friends and I) don’t need to be deafened by a round of applause at the end of the pre-recorded, edited, and screened film. As a matter of fact, the only thing we moviegoers need less than a round of applause at the end of the film is one right in the middle of the film. I know you’re pumped about Transformers and Optimus Prime’s first appearance was a big deal for you. Sit, enjoy it, smile. Don’t clap. I paid ten dollars to see whichever movie I am seeing and when you clap through dialogue you’re wasting my money and yours. I don’t want to sound like a total killjoy, but there is a time and a place for applause, and it’s not at any point during any movie.
Consider this post a warning to those of you attending screenings of Harry Potter this coming week. Your need to applaud people who are not in the building is ridiculous, and so is your need to wear a cape – but we’ll get to that another time.

Drawn-On Eyebrows

Andrea — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 12:15:01 PDT

I’m sorry, but have you had some sort of accident? Cancer patients aside, this is unacceptable. Did you really wax or shave your real eyebrows completely off of your face and then draw them back on in an unnatural location/shape/color/etc.? I can’t understand the motivation behind such an act.
In high school I knew a girl who did this and realized it was a bad idea after someone referred to her eyebrows as “the golden arches,” since she drew them in near-perfect half circles. Now, that was high school, and still most of us knew better. Just days ago I encountered a grown woman who was sporting some oddly shaped and clearly fake eyebrows. I had to have a polite conversation with her, all the while choking back laughter.
How am I supposed to take you seriously when you have clown makeup on your face? How? If you were a clown, a very successful drag queen, or perhaps some sort of very extravagant non-clown performer in cirque do soleil or something this look could be excusable, but chances are you’ve got no excuse. You probably looked in the mirror and thought you looked fantastic. Luckily for everyone, I am here to tell you that you that eyeliner is for your eyelids, brow liners are to fill in your existing eyebrows if they are very thin, and there is not a product really designed for redrawing the eyebrows you’ve removed because YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT.
For anyone who is currently trying to rock this look, I just want to say that every single smiling face you see every day of your life is smiling for the sole reason that it’s the closest they can get to pretending they aren’t trying their hardest not to have a laughing fit at your expense. Just shade them in in the right place, they’ll grow back in a few weeks.

White Guys with Cornrows.

Andrea — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 08:28:25 PDT

If Britney Spears’s disastrous marriage to K-Fed taught us anything, it should have been that white guys can’t pull off cornrows. Yet somehow I saw a guy just today attempting to work with this major hair don’t.
There isn’t really much I can say in response to the worst idea ever other than Cut The Crap. You can try all day and all night but you’re never going to be as cool as the guy in the R&B group on MTV doing sweet hip-hop moves. I know you had it rough growing up in a two-parent home in the suburbs and you want to braid your hair so people believe you have some sort of street-cred, but really, give it up. There are some things that not just anyone can pull off and this is definitely one of them. Please stop. Please. You look ridiculous and I will not be held responsible for pointing and laughing.

Light Up Shoes.

Andrea — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:18:02 PDT

There are few things in life that I hate more than other people’s children. This is pretty much a given. But among the many things that are aggravating about these swarms of children everywhere i go, is the need of people to attach lights to their children’s feet. This is lame second only to Heely shoes and the constant attachment of wheels to kids.
Is this little hyperactive fool’s need to run in circles and tap his feet not enough without the miniature red light show that catches the eye of everyone in the room? How has this not given someone a seizure yet?
The worst thing is, not only are there light up sneakers, but there are light up plastic dress shoes with clear high heels that light up red for young strippers in training. I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me. I can tell you right now that when i decide to grace to population with new additions by having well-trained and well-dressed children of my own, no temper tantrum they could ever muster would find me permitting them to be seen in public in light-up shoes. Over my dead body.

Combovers.

Andrea — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 09:38:49 PDT

Men, do you think you’re fooling someone, anyone?
So you’re receding, thinning, whatever. Big deal. Try to maintain your dignity and don’t grow one section of your hair long in an attempt to cover the bare spaces. I mean honestly, bald men who do NOT do this look waaaaaay better than the ones who do. I am totally sure that we women are all unanimous in believing that. I am totally sure that men with hair agree as well. In fact, I am pretty sure that the only people who disagree are men with combovers.
What I truly wonder is, what do your stylists, barbers, or whatever, say when you go in for a trim and they comb that extra-long flap of hair out of the way and you go “oh hey, don’t cut that, i need it to cover this huge bald spot I have.” Has anyone ever told you to just give up and own what the lord gave ya? If not, someone really should, because combovers are absolutely inexcusable.

Acrylic Nails.

Andrea — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 12:10:00 PDT

Girl, who you playin’? Are we supposed to believe these are real? Are we supposed to think you didn’t spend like $40 on the crazy crap glued to your hands?
The problem with these is that when your nails are square-ended and about 1/4 inch thick, anything cute or unique about them is negated by the fact that you’re basically just lugging chunks of plastic around on your hands. Remember those little fingertip things that came with witch costumes when you were a little kid? Well, this isn’t much better than those were.
I understand that it takes some skill on the part of the person performing the manicure to make such tiny designs, but the fact that there is a market for this will never cease to amaze me. This ESPECIALLY applies to girls who normally have plain, ordinary hands but opt for insanity on the occasion of a prom or, worse yet, wedding.
Get a manicure, pamper yourself, go ahead! Leave the weird thick plastic nails out of it!

Vanity Plates.

Andrea — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 09:14:24 PDT

Just so everyone knows, you CANNOT have a vanity plate on your car without looking stupid. It’s impossible. Here’s the thing, there is no such thing as a bad vanity plate and that is because there is no such thing as a good vanity plate. I don’t care what kind of car you drive or how clever you think your idea is, every single human being with common sense who sees your license plate is thinking “what an idiot.” If it’s me or one of my friends, we might even be reaching for our camera phones to share your stupidity for sheer amusement.
The other day I saw a minivan with a vanity plate that said “LORDNOSE.” Seriously? That is so ridiculous I can’t even respond to it intelligently. I can say this, whether you’re LORDNOSE or DIVA1, you are drawing only negative attention to yourself and I speak for everyone on the road when i say we’re laughing AT you, not WITH you.

Whale Tail!

Andrea — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 11:02:47 PDT

Now, thinking about this I wasn’t sure if it should fall under the “People” category or the “Clothing” category, but here we are. The thing is, ladies, even though I am of the school of women who believe that nearly no one has a body good enough to legitimately wear a thong, that’s totally beside the point that thongs CAN be worn WITHOUT being seen by EVERYONE WHO WALKS BY.
This phenomenon to the left is called “whale tail” and in spite of the fact that some (often white trash) people may think that this is sexy, it’s really, really not. Here’s the thing, being able to see this much of your thong means that in your thong’s absence, we’d be able to see that much of your crack. Crack is whack. You’ve learned it, you’ve loved it, now apply it to your daily life and, more importantly, your thong!

Gun Tattoos.

Andrea — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 09:52:41 PDT

Ohhhh you’re soooo badass! Sometimes I can’t decide what’s worse, the fact that people get these tattoos or the fact that these people are so proud of them they proudly take pictures and put them on the internet. Even worse than that girl’s horrific chest piece at left is the ever popular guns-on-hips option. Really? Girls do this more often than guys and is it supposed to be sexy? I’ve tried and tried and i can’t nail down the motivation behind tattooing controversial weapons on the body, male or female. Are these weapons you’d actually carry? Does something about the thought of a picture of cold, hard steel etched into your skin make you feel cool?
I’m not arguing for or against gun control here, that’s so not my issue right now. All I am trying to do is figure out how you’re going to feel about those sweet revolvers you tattooed on your stomach when you’re 33 years old, 8 months pregnant, and they’re stretched so far they kind of resemble rifles. Oooh, now THAT is badass! Show ‘em what you’re made of.

Colorful Dreadlocks.

Andrea — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 07:54:55 PDT

Do people encourage this look? In my image hunt I found more than one website that sells various colored dreadlock extensions. Honestly?

Now, obviously, this is a look most commonly seen on moron goth kids wearing dog collars and wide-leg pants with all sorts of zippers and chains. Clearly the bad choices these kids made aren’t only limited to their hair, but really, this is your hair. Hair is like an accessory you wear every day. Why would you attach oddly colored yarn directly to your scalp and (most likely) brag about your hair as being one of your greatest features. You look like an asshole. And when i say you look like an asshole I mean that people with dreadlocks the color of their natural hair generally look pretty stupid, but the decision to make them black, pink, orange, blue, or whatever color of the rainbow you seemed to think looked good only makes you look about a billion times dumber than the patchouli smelling hippie with the dirty blonde topknot smoking cloves in the park. Don’t worry, that guy will have his own whole separate complaint.

Your Suped Up Car

Andrea — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 09:13:06 PDT

Listen kid, this is life here, not “The Fast and the Furious.” Driving some super pimped out car does NOT make you look cool. We live in a world where driving too ridiculous of an unmodified car you look like an asshole (such as a Hummer H2). When you take your Honda Civic, or even worse, your Chevy Cavalier, and add rear spoilers, front lip spoilers, rims, crazy paint jobs, tints, decals, silly lights, etc., you are not “improving” your vehicle or your image. What you are instead accomplishing is making yourself look like a really big jerk with a really small penis. Believe me, that’s what we’re allllll thinking. Men and women alike are looking at you, looking at your car, and marveling at the lethal combination of stupidity and insecurity that have made you take a perfectly good car and turn it into a moronmobile. We also don’t appreciate you trying to race us on the road. If I thought you were stupid BEFORE you made an effort to prove you were cool by speeding away from me, imagine what I must think of you after that display of ignorance in traffic?
In the future, just drive your car as it is and stop being such a wanker. If you really want to drive a car that serves as a warning to all other people that you’re worthless, that’s what those Hummers are for, and if you can’t afford one of those i hear PT Cruisers are reasonably cheap and I guarantee you’ll still look like a jackass.

Walking Etiquette!

Andrea — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 09:46:45 PDT

I know, I know, this is my third post with a title including the word “etiquette.” But really, is existing with other humans soooooo hard for some people?
Here’s my problem: Walking is not a difficult thing to do. It doesn’t become difficult when done in a hallway or on a stairwell or even in a place where other people are walking. This is something you probably taught yourself to do before the age of 1, and decades later still haven’t quite mastered. Are you kidding me?

When you’re walking toward another person in opposite directions, each of you should step to the right. I would have thought this was a universal thing, but every time i attempt it the idiot coming at me either walks directly into me or steps to his left and then we do a little dance which the moron who has gone the wrong way always finds super funny. I don’t get it.
Here’s another thing, when i am walking literally two inches from a wall to my right and you are coming directly at me, I can’t move out of the way. I have nowhere to go. If i am walking as far to my right as I can possibly be then it is your obligation to go around me. It’s just proper walking etiquette. Believe me, if this is the situation, when you walk into me you’re going to have a serious collision with my elbow or my shoulder. If you don’t know how to walk amongst other people I am going to make sure you learn your lesson in the most painful way possible.

Another problem, don’t stop to have a conversation with someone passing you in a narrow hallway or on any kind of stairwell. You better really hope I am not behind you when you do this because I will put my hand on your back and move your ass right along. I get it, I do. You think the world revolves around you and if you want to talk to your homey on the stairs then the world can really wait. I get that. But just because I understand it doesn’t mean I am going to let you behave like a jackass.

The amount of jerks encountered in traffic is more than sufficient to provide me with ample aggravation. I do not need morons who can’t even walk down the street without pissing me off. The above are only a few of the common-sense rules you should be aware of if you’re going to use your feet as a mode of transportation in this world. Among almost everything else that annoys me, these are things that people should have figured out on their own, but until i see some evidence of that I will continue to not-so-politely explain them to everyone i meet.

Names. Plain and Simple.

Andrea — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 09:19:02 PDT

So have you ever been introduced to someone or perhaps even heard a story about someone and you found that you were more focused on this person’s ridiculous name than on the story itself? Ever wonder how a woman could, on the joyous day where she gives birth to a bouncing new baby, give the child a word for a name or perhaps a name more appropriate for a dog? Have you ever seen a hyphenated name and wondered WHY you’d hyphenate two names that sound so straight-up stupid together? if you’ve ever wondered any of these things, this entry is for you. Before i begin really complaining, here is a list of names i took down during the several years i worked a telephone job at a large international bank. Ready?

madonna belcher
jetta guilliams
fonesha pitchfork
reagan fagan
devilrie wellborn
frenche d. brewer
elizabeth boner
jean jews-cornish (bad hyphenating choice, seriously, what was this woman thinking?)
luhester collins
satin batey
rexby boyance
theopolis armour
victoria creamer
duwana mann (please take a moment to remember the terrible 90s movie juwanna man)
rucious hunt
frances chew
rusty barnhill
christina evilsizer
jermery underdahl (not jeremy, jermery. this was not a misspelling. i spoke to this man and he pronounced his name jermery)
daniel kaaialii (this person was not in hawaii or from hawaii. his name just has an unusual amount of vowels)
queen mcghee
psalms kalauli
shearing fail
rowland knowles (these are the last names of 2/3 of destiny’s child)
yolanda lumpkins
ruezette marberry
dymphna jarrett (dymphna????)
adoracion idica (yes, it’s an ethnic name, but still.)
rogeanna hug (not roseanna, okay.)
provakes wiggins
betty buttram (i realize the pronounciation of this name makes it less funny, but it is still spelled butt ram.)
zolton washington (think “dude, where’s my car?”)
lakeshell thornton
penny sizemore
geary lightfoot
jeronimo salazar
sonnie boniface
tou her
indiana turcious
ouch sahn (a human being named ouch)
arkadelphia campbell
hollie wood
bridget jones
janet buttram (still funny)
glory lawhorn
bertha major
ruby outlaw
dyark cannon
ziggie siskey
margle upson (margle? what?)
linda hickey-gunn (why hyphenate these names?)
loveless belser (this was a man, by the way.)
ginger commodore
gaynita williams
scott mustachio (this guy’s last name is mustachio. if he marries and has children they will be the mustachio family)
ollie monk
michael bolton
acquanett grant (yeah, like the hairspray old ladies use)
bettie petrock
emerald shinstock
robert robley
kandyam panza (sounds like candied yam)
everlove agiwerya
dahlia parchment
bathsheba buford
tuesday richards
kimberly nono
luckny angrand
tralaquincy reddrick
richard surprise
kelly crofoot-paine (again with the hyphenating)
celeste woodcock
kdee ignatin (what’s wrong with standard spellings of katie?)
michael jordan
daniel daniels
bertley leonard
irene stoner
phyllis stalker
bradley bradshaw
basil demars
ellen llewellyn
lucia brutto (brutto is italian for ugly)
beulah clever
reaeani duger
opal shoemaker
feaster keaton
lillie rhymes
dixie bunch
cluster myers (i spoke to cluster. i asked for him and he said “this is cluster.” what the hell?)
zolton hodermarsky (yep. still funny)
peggy clutter and michael shack (yep these two had a credit card together)
joshcua cinnamon (not only did his parents spell his name wrong, but his last name is cinnamon)
crystal doody
mwamba m. wamwamba (another ethnic name but soooo funny)
memory crowder (seriously. real person.)
scott stonerock
robert dies
grant loveless
tommy lipscum
charmin williams (yeah, like the toilet paper. please don’t squeeze the charmin!)
ida stiffarm
few white
blossom clarke (i found the real “blossom”)
juliet downer
freda liptrap
billie baller
sunday white
queen ballard
tuesday overla (why days of the week, why?)
rhynestine hill
jo hose
rollie grizzard
sun swanger
phlander little
bruno schizzano
pepper mullins
dewey daily
-and
candy filling

People, seriously. Did people actually assign these names to other people? Aren’t there laws against cruel and unusual punishment? This list does not include the couple I once called who were Mr. and Mrs. Buttman. This killed me because this woman had clearly inflicted this name on herself when she married this man. I understand that you can’t help who you fall in love with, but there’s no need to take a name like Buttman.
As a child my brother went to school where there was a 5 year old girl named Lasagna. Yeah, Lasagna. Lasagna is probably 21 years old now which means that somewhere out there is a very drunk girl named after an italian pasta casserole who has probably never forgiven her mother for naming her LASAGNA!
These are people. These are not dogs or any other pets. If you’re trying to be hilarious there are better times than when you’re beginning the lifelong process that is parenting. Can we please return to the days when we named little boys Michael and Joseph and little girls Jennifer and Lisa?
I am not even going to get STARTED on celebrities with baby names like Apple and Moses and Audio Science and Moxie Crimefighter. If nothing else, the above list proves that celebrities don’t have the monopoly on inflicting inexcusable names on their children.
Get it together people. For real.

Buy a Mac. It'll Make You Cool.

Andrea — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 01:41:18 PDT

I’d like to begin this by saying that I have a mac and am totally clueless when it comes to windows because I never learned to use a windows operating system. People like myself tend to stick with what they know. People who are into graphic design or photography also tend to buy macs. That’s fine.
Then there’s the kids who buy them because they so desperately want to be a “mac person.” They want to sit on a couch at a coffee house with that apple logo all aglow for passers by to marvel. These kids spend thousands of dollars to look cool, only to have to learn a new operating system when they were probably more comfortable on the old one.
I once went as far as to ask the workers at the apple store if they ever make fun of the kids who come in and buy macs clearly with no real use for them and no clue how to use them. Not only did these guys admit to me that they are quick to tease once the customers have left the store, but I then heard stories about teenage kids walking in and buying 17” powerbooks with cash and when asked what they planned to use them for responding “surfing the web mainly.”
YOU’RE SOOOOO COOL.
If these computers are legitimately your thing, or you have a real professional or recreational use for their specific benefits, that’s one thing, but buying such an expensive electronic device for the sake of your faux-hipster image is pathetic. Personally speaking, spending over a grad to look cool is about as awesome as getting breast implants and claiming your new DDs give you better self-esteem.

Cherries and Pinups.

Andrea — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 12:32:54 PDT

Stop this. Tattoos of pinups may have been a good idea at some point in history (I am saying they may have, not necessarily that they were) but now they are just a shitty cliche. Worse yet are the cherry tattoos popping up on every lame cookie-cutter girl who LOVES [insert terrible band name here]. Are y’all kidding me?
Here’s the deal: cherries are a delicious fruit, a little overpriced but still. They are not something you want to permanently ink into your body as if it means something to you, and don’t argue about tattoos as art because i think most people can draw excellent cherries by the time they reach kindergarten. You look like an idiot, plain and simple. Traditional artwork is one thing but lame cliches are a whole different ball game and that’s the game you’re playing and it has no rules and let me tell you, people need rules.
You’ve got a pinup girl on your left arm and cherries on your hips, perhaps alongside a set of revolvers you made the poor decision of tattooing on yourself as well. You’re probably most easily found standing outside Fall Out Boy’s tour bus waiting to offer Pete Wentz a blow job on his way into the venue. That’s effing awesome like whoa!

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Andrea — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 09:16:34 PDT

So I’ve already been called a hater, but I sat at a show venue last night and watch wannabe hipster after wannabe hipster nursing cans of PBR between band sets. Seriously kids, what does this beer even taste like? As a nondrinker I can’t speak for or against the quality of specific brews, but I can safely say I truly believe people drink this beer so that they can be seen holding the can, not because it’s the brew they best enjoy. I mean, I know you want to look like some awesome indie-rocker in your myspace picture, yet look like you’re casually hanging out at a bar at the same time, so you drink the “cool” beer so that you can be the “cool” kid. I know what you’re trying to do, I just clearly don’t understand the motivation.
What I do know is this, your favorite band probably drinks it too, that’s probably where someone got the idea a few years ago, but I am sure they wouldn’t be impressed. Stop and ask yourselves, “am I this pretentious? Am I drinking a beer simply because of the reputation I may be able to cultivate by being seen with this can in my hand?” because honestly kids, if this is your motivation, you should stop and re-evaluate your priorities for real. You probably also have a mac computer just to be seen with it. And you drive a jetta. And you get the point.

I Could Care Less

Andrea — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 07:57:45 PDT

Why do people say this? This is one of the many common errors made by people that just really eat at me because I feel like people should realize that it makes no sense. If your response to something that is frustrating you is to say “I could care less!” this implies that you care to begin with. If you are trying to express that you genuinely are not affected by something the appropriate expression would be “I couldn’t care less.”
I would have thought common sense would lead most people to this revelation, but apparently not. Now you know.

Yield Signs

Andrea — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 10:37:55 PDT

Has anyone ever taken the time to learn what this traffic sign is actually telling you to do? Driving on any highway in basically any city indicates that most people have no idea what to do when faced with a yield sign.
Here’s the thing, a yield sign means that you need to attempt to merge into traffic while giving right of way to people who are already on the road. This means do not floor your gas and think you are just going to smoothly fly onto the highway while everyone else tries to give you space without causing a pileup.
At the same time, overly cautious yielders aggravate those behind them. When you are approaching a highway on which there is little to no traffic – you DO NOT need to stop. The sign says “YIELD,” you don’t have to actually follow that rule when there are no cars to yield to.
I understand this sounds very complicated and you didn’t know that operating a two ton vehicle required any kind of thought or common sense, but contrary to popular belief you actually do need to know these things to drive on the road safely with the other people.

Leggings

Andrea — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 01:02:26 PDT

Now, I am not going to lie. I own leggings. I actually spent a couple years on a search for leggings to wear in place of stockings or tights during the cold months so that I would not have to retire my skirts for winter each year. However, I was always unsuccessful in finding them until a couple years ago they became some sort of fashion trend.
Here’s the problem: why are girls wearing these with miniskirts and sundresses in 90 degree July weather? This is not cute and moreover this is not practical. It’s goddamn a million degrees out in the beating sun and I know you want to impress the boy in the girls jeans with the eyeliner and the shotgun haircut, but I really hope those capri-length leggings with a lace-trimmed bottom don’t do the trick when they are soaked with sweat because you’ve opted to wear them in August. A good question to ask yourself may be “Would I wear tights today?” If the answer is no, then leggings are probably that much worse an idea.
While I am on the topic of this specific clothing article, I will also say that wearing them as pants, especially when they are one of those rare pairs that is composed of enough lycra to show ever minor detail, is unnecessary. I think I speak for everyone when I say that no one wants to see your cooter. Put on a real pair of pants or find some other way to cover up your genitals because if I can see the outline of them I can pretty much guarantee that you’ve ruined my day and the days of most people you’ve encountered. As a matter of fact, I am angry just thinking about it.
I would have thought this would have ended by now, but clearly it’s a lasting trend like red and black scene hair. It’s no coincidence the same people are guilty of these offenses.

General Restaurant Etiquette

Andrea — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 12:51:11 PDT

I’d like to begin this by saying I am a server who, at this point, has worked for the past 2 1/2 years in two popular, large restaurants. I feel like I have pretty much seen it all and i will tell you right now this will be the complaint to end all complaints.

Let me start with your first entering the restaurant. You approach the host stand and they lead you to a table. SIT AT THE TABLE. Do not wait until you’ve been brought somewhere and then point at a table you might prefer to sit in. If you have some sort of preference, the polite thing to do is to tell the host/ess before they choose a place to seat you. You may not realize this, but pointing at a specific table you want to sit in may be a huge pain in everyone’s ass. The host staff of a restaurant seat servers in sequence and you may be choosing a table that has no server at a time, or maybe has a server who has just been sat another table and is already busy. The business may run based on keeping customers happy, but the easier you make it by not behaving like the world revolves around you, the easier it will be for us to succeed.

Now, when your server greets you, don’t cut him/her off when the opening banter begins. Chances are, whatever you end up missing answers a question you’ll end up asking.

Drink orders. Don’t order double soft drinks. If you’re ordering an alcohol beverage or a cup of coffee then asking for a glass of water also isn’t overly annoying. Ordering a diet coke and a glass of water makes you high maintenance and irritating, especially when it prompts the other 5 people at your table to do the same. I am now carrying 12 heavy glasses full of liquid on a single tray to a table with only 6 people. Chances are, you won’t even touch one of the drinks. You’ll drink one exclusively and i will have to keep refilling it. Then some poor busser has to make two trips trying to clean off your table after you’re gone because of the unreasonable amount of still-full glassware on it. Seriously.

Don’t ask for your shit one thing at a time. Nothing makes someone want to spit in your soup more than you sending her to get a fork, then asking for a straw when she returns, then asking for bread when she brings the straw, then asking for another coke when she brings the bread. Are you kidding? Do you think you’re the only table I have? Do you just not care about anyone or anything but yourself? If you need things, that’s fine, ask for everything you can think of at once and I’ll gladly go get it. Also, there’s nothing a server loves to hear more than “when you get a chance,” it moves your request to the top of our priority list. However, “get me…” means you’ll be waiting quite a while. You may control our tips, but we control your entire experience.

Also, modifying your entree is cool. I don’t know anyone who has a problem with it. If you are going to completely invent something super complicated and then freak out when the kitchen gets confused and messes it up, you should probably just cook your own goddamn dinner.

Waving, shouting, or addressing me as “excuse me, waitress!” are completely unacceptable. You’ve got to be kidding me. I am probably at your table every several minutes asking you if you need anything. These desperate cries for attention make you look like an ignorant fool second only to getting up and walking around looking for me or following me. Seriously. While we’re at it, if you asked me for something, and then i took your order, and I haven’t walked away from the table yet, do not ask me for the same item again three times while I am still standing there. I can’t get your goddamn extra napkins until i walk to the place where we keep those things. Telling me you need napkins 6 times while i am trying to take your order is not going to magically give me the ability to pull your wants and needs out of my ass.

Do not, absolutely do not, order something i did not just list after you ask me a simple question and i provide you with an answer. examples:
“what are your choices of sides?”
“Garlic mashed potatoes, pasta, vegetable of the day.”
“I am going to have a baked potato.”
You’re not going to have a baked potato. Did I say baked potato? I did not.
“What dressings do you have?”
“Caesar, creamy parmesan, and italian vinaigrette.”
“I’ll have thousand island.”
Seriously? Not an option. LISTEN.

Do not ask to move tables after you have already ordered. Your order has been placed and will eventually print up with a table number on a ticket that lists the items you want to eat. If you move you are not only screwing up servers who take the same specific set of tables all night, but you are messing up the person who runs that food and takes it to the wrong place.

Don’t get up and stand in a walkway somewhere. We’re busy. We’re really busy. We walk fast, and we only ask you to move because we have to be polite to keep our jobs. Believe me, if we had our way, we would throw hot food at you for being so stupid that you feel it is okay to stand in a place that I need to run back and forth through with a heavy tray of steaming food. Furthermore, if you are in the way and I say excuse me and you turn around and see me with the heavy tray of steaming hot food, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY and don’t you dare have the nerve to look like I am inconveniencing you by doing my job. No one told you to stand in my way and the sooner you move the faster this table gets their food and the faster they eat, leave, and you can sit down and enjoy your own meal. Also, if you weren’t aware, the words “excuse me” are generally understood to be a polite way of saying “get out of my way.” The appropriate response to hearing them is to get out of the way, not turn and acknowledge the person who needs to get past you and then continue to stand there blocking his or her path. If you do this and get hit or pushed, that’s really your problem.

Now, about your kids! First of all, if your baby is crying, get the kid out of the building, you’re ruining the meals of a good 150 people and aggravating a staff of maybe 40 people. Why do you have a 2 month old at a loud restaurant at 10pm anyway? Last week I watched a 5 year old topple sideways out of a tall bar chair that is nearly four feet off the ground. Is there any reason you are letting this rambunctious little asshole behave like this in a potentially dangerous place? Control your goddamn children, and if you can’t, leave them home. I know babysitters are expensive, but if you can’t afford one every now and then, you probably shouldn’t be going out or you should have done a better job training your kids.

Do not ask anyone working in a restaurant to turn the air conditioning or heat up or down ever. NOT EVER. What on earth could make someone so self centered as to ask someone to change the climate of a large building filled to capacity just because he or she is personally a little warm or cool? What if everyone else in the building is comfortable? What makes you so special that you feel our climate control should be changed as if this were your living room? Also, no server in his or her right mind will ever actually send a manager to lower the air conditioning. We are going back and forth to a very hot kitchen wearing uncomfortable long-sleeved polyester uniforms. If you wore shorts and a tank top to a building you knew was air conditioned, you’re pretty frickin’ stupid. We’re hot and customers are comfortable. We’re keeping the building cool. You’re gonna have to deal because you are not the only person there.

Large parties of people who all want to sit together are not easy to accommodate or take care of. Try to be a little bit organized if you’re going to inflict this kind of inconvenience on a restaurant.

Separate checks are generally a pain in the ass. In many restaurants the servers aren’t able to split checks on their own after they have been put into the computer and finding a manager to do this on a saturday night is not easy. In other restaurants the process is a bit simpler but frankly, if there are only two of you at the table, you should be able to do the math. Are you really so cheap that you are terrified of estimating what you owe and accidentally paying an extra dollar or two? Splitting checks, especially for larger parties of people, can be an extreme inconvenience, and usually results in customer confusion leading to severely undertipping, which I will get to in a moment. If you can’t figure out how to pay the bill in a restaurant, you’re probably too stupid to be eating in a restaurant.

Don’t flag down any random server to ask for something, unless you’re in a serious situation like you have your meal and somehow have no fork. If you want napkins, butter, a glass of water, more bread, etc., please ask your own damn server. If you ask someone else I can fully guarantee that person is immediately annoyed, doesn’t have time to get anything for you, and is now stuck trying to find your server to take care of you while at once trying to remember what you wanted along with all of the things the people at his or her own tables need. If you have to be this annoying, you could at the very least be polite about it. Usually, people aren’t.

Now, tipping. I thought about writing this entry separately and then i realized that first, no one is going to read this whole thing, and second, I will probably post 15 more entries elaborating on this. 10% tips are unacceptable. This day and age 15% is becoming unacceptable. Also, there is no high-end cap to where you have to stop tipping a percentage of the bill. Leaving a $10 tip on a $50 check is great, but if you leave a $10 tip on a $100 check we hate you. Here’s the thing about restaurants, servers do not keep their tips entirely. Before we leave each night we do a bunch of math and hand a bunch of cash over to bartenders, host/ess staff, and bussers. If you leave us a $10 tip on a $100 check we’re only seeing about $6 of that. You just left a $6 tip on a $100 check. I have bills to pay. My job may seem easy and mindless but chances are you couldn’t or wouldn’t do it. Tip appropriately. Also, tip with money, not words. If you tell me I was a fantastic server and then leave me a 12% tip I definitely hope you get in a car accident on your way home. I appreciate the compliment, but when I have to pick up an extra shift to make up the difference of the money I lose when morons who tip verbally short change me those compliments really mean a lot less. I know i do my job well, but I feel much better about it when i can go out to dinner myself and be pampered rather than struggling to make my car payment because I’ve had a restaurant full of canadians (who tip about 10% on average) screwing me over. Just F.Y.I. servers make $4.something an hour. We pay taxes. We give chunks of our tips away. Yes, some of us make pretty good money, but the idea of us leaving with $300 in out pockets and having more cash than we know what to do with is an absolute myth. We sit down at the end of the night and whine about our backs and feet, we count our tips and are usually disappointed having made significantly less than we should have given our sales and hard work. Don’t make our nights any worse and don’t blame our choice of working there. Most restaurant employees are full time college students who need a flexible schedule and hope to make as much as possible while working few enough hours to pull decent grades. You’re not better than us, the extra dollar or few between a shitty tip and a good one will not kill you. If you can’t afford to tip appropriately then you can’t afford to go out to eat.

Seriously people, I know this is a personal rant and most of you don’t even consider this stuff, but maybe you should. I’m polite to retail employees and I always have my account number ready when i call customer service lines. I am totally courteous when being provided with a service because I am generally grateful to the person who is providing that service. I could write a book of examples of morons I have encountered in my places of business. Seriously sit back and think of how many things I named that you’re guilty of because I can guarantee you some angry person tells that story all the time and people laugh at how frickin’ stupid you must be.

Oh, and when i tell you the plate is hot, don’t grab it and make some sort of exclamation about how you just burned yourself. You were warned. You’re an idiot.

Smoking Etiquette

Andrea — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 11:40:31 PDT

Now, I think we can all agree that smoking near other human beings at all is pretty seriously gross, but can you try to make it a little less unpleasant for nonsmokers by maybe not standing DIRECTLY outside of the door of a building where there is heavy foot traffic? When people are walking out the door, loudly gagging, and shooting you the evil eye, that’s a sign that having no choice but to pass through your smoke cloud to get some fresh air is absolutely ridiculous. How inconsiderate can you possibly be? It’s not your right as a smoker to stand wherever you please just because you’ve followed the rules to be outside. We’re not talking about a matter of personal preference here, this is something that is literally killing you, so arguing in favor of it makes you look stupid regardless of what your point may be. While we’re at it, do you think it’s okay to light your cigarette in the building and then walk out, just because it’s easier to light the damn thing when shielded from the wind? In case no one ever told you, the fact that you have to smoke your cigarette outside does indeed mean you need to light it there too. Besides, I am pretty sure there are laws against smoking directly outside of doorways. Have a little consideration for those of us who opt for less gross lifestyles. Just because you want to smell badly, age faster, and die of emphysema doesn’t mean you need to be angry at the world and inflict it on anyone coming to and from the same location. Seriously.

They're, Their, and There.

Andrea — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 01:29:09 PDT

Is this so hard to figure out? I can’t remember the exact year of elementary school that this was pounded into my brain along with the two different spellings and uses of you’re/your, but I know that I immediately think less of someone when i notice they are making such inexcusable elementary errors. No lie, you have to be stupid to not understand the differences, and you have to be even dumber still to try to shrug it off by claiming “it doesn’t matter.” While we’re at it, the term “no one” is actually two separate words. What about “noone” looks correct to you? That’s right, nothing. Also, “a lot” is two separate words unless you’re talking about the verb “to allot.” Think about what you’re saying, there is A LOT of something. This is basic common sense and if you can’t grasp it then i really hope you never claim to be intelligent, because you’re not.

OMFGLOLJKROFLMAO!!!!!!111!!!!!

Andrea — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 01:16:28 PDT

Who types in this shitty AOL shorthand? On occasion I have heard grown adults claim that it’s “easier” to type “u r” than “you are.” How is that easier? In order for it to be easier you would have to develop the habit of unnecessary abbreviation at some point in your life. Either that, or you’d have to be in one hell of a hurry, or have a limited amount of space – neither of which would be applicable in an instant message situation. These sorts of abbreviations “lame AOL jargon” as i tend to refer to them, are maybe acceptable if you’re under the age of 13, but if I get one more myspace message from a 28 year old man that says “UR SO HOT! HOLLA AT UR BOI!” I am going to scream. After a certain point it’s like reading a foreign language invented by an idiot.

Gaucho Pants

Andrea — Thu, 31 May 2007 12:22:39 PDT

Pants that are pants but almost a skirt? These are not flattering on any body type and do not look good in any situation. The wide leg makes them impractical for working out which might be the only situation in which pants like these might be presentable. Gaucho pants are solid proof that if you put it in a magazine, some sorority girl will try it on for size – with flip flops, with pointy-toed heels, and with ballet flats. I thought it would be over by now, but it’s not. A brisk walk through any shopping mall or college campus will have you seeing these horrific pants billowing in the breeze. ladies, tell me, when’s it gonna end?