Mike Literman's Complaint After Complaint

We're Over a year old!

Mike Literman — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 09:06:48 PDT

It’s true. CAC has been complaining about what ails us and what we have to deal with for over a year and now it’s your turn to let us know what you’d like to see more of.

Please, help us out by letting us know what you’d like to see more of.

Helpful posts include:
“I would like to see more posts on people that don’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom when I can clearly still see poo remnants on their hands.“
or
“Why do people in third world countries still eat bugs. Haven’t they ever heard of McDonald’s?“

Feedback is highly appreciated and encouraged by all of us at CAC. Thanks for all your help.

Airport Parking

Mike Literman — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 08:58:32 PDT

Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t know how this situation is in your parts, but in mine, it is absolute garbage.

My girlfriend took a trip to Mexico to hopefully get me a sugar skull that says “Hank” or “Dean” and eat pounds of sushi in a country known for tacos. Nonetheless, you’ve got a decision when you get to the airport. This decision is as follows:
1. Park in “Short Term Parking”
2. Park in “Long Term Parking”
Since I was just dropping her off, helping her get her luggage in, and then leaving, I figured I would be there for a half an hour so I would park in Short Term. So I did. Fifteen minutes later I was back in my car, windows down, music up, approaching the exit gate. I get out my ticket that says I have been parked for sixteen minutes and say to myself, “Duder, you did a good job. You got in and out and it’s been shorter than you thought. You just put that ticket in the machine, and head home and go back to bed.” so I did…only to find out that it’s $4 to park in Short Term parking. I know that $4 isn’t a lot of money, but it’s the principle. What hurt even more is the fact that if I had parked in Long Term, I could have stayed for two hours before I would have had to pay a single cent.

Now I know for a fact that it used to be free for the first thirty minutes in short term, so why would they change it? Secondly, why would you park in Long Term parking if you are only dropping someone off. That just makes you a jerk that’s taking up valuable parking spots in the Long Term lot. Parking is not a pleasurable experience anywhere, as you should know by now, but seriously, why would you even name the two what you have named them if you are going to reward people for getting in and out as soon as possible for parking in a lot specifically named for it’s use of “Long Term Parkers”?

The naming committee should be fired and that short term lot should just be destroyed in the most gratuitous way possible since it proves to have no advantage over the other lot.

Parking Problems

Mike Literman — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:08:54 PDT

I know, I know. I’ve touched this topic before, but seriously, no one will learn. First off, I am an idiot. I will admit that. Ladies? Don’t you love a man who will admit when they are wrong? Well I am not in the mood for you to get your lady hands all over me so find someone else to fondle. I love my car. I love my bike. With this being said, I don’t love a lot of things. Burritos, that’s another one. Pizza? You bet. Coming home early so that I can be “green” and ride my bike to work and not being able to find a spot ever…not something I love.

With that being said, let’s go back to the time that I called myself an idiot. Remember that? Well I live on a street with a hospital on it, so everyone who makes that one trip to visit their grandma or see their stupid little brother that broke his arm jumping from couch to couch over the weekend when mom and dad went out to get lunch and left you and him along for an hour.

My complex is not too bad. It’s close to stuff I like and people that I love, but seriously…there is a parking ramp across the street from the hospital. Use it so that people who pay too much in rent and actually live in the houses and don’t have a garage or driveway like you lucky people in the suburbs can park somewhere.

So enjoy that global warming feeling today because I was trying to cool things down a notch with the ol’ BMX. It’s better when it’s warm out, anyhow.

Constant Braking In The Winter

Mike Literman — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:26:06 PST

Sometimes it’s hard to drive in the snow. I know that my car is actually pretty terrible and I am a good winter driver. Because of that, I take it a little slower on turns and have mastered counter steering and E-Brake slides. I’m ready for what the winter has to throw at me. Let me tell you who is not ready in a segment I’d like to call, “Why are you braking?”

Imagine, if you will, a bad storm. I don’t know if you like in snowy areas like I do, but for you tropical folks, imagine driving through those wicked hurricane-esque thunderstorms and we will be on the same page. So we’re driving. We’re driving 10+ under the speed limit and we might even still be going a little fast, but we know how to drive so we are under control. We are at 10 and 2 or that new one that they decided was better or we drive a stick and are just intently clutching and shifting to best suit the weather. Then we approach a car, or in 98% of cases, a minivan with their brake lights on. So you have to do that “almost woah” brake because their could be something in front of that car like a deer or an accident or a snow dune or whatever. You drive behind this person for what feels like an eternity but is only a quarter mile. They have hit the brakes at least fourteen times and you are baffled and have no idea what could be in front of them. You decide to pass them only to find that there is nothing in front of them and they are just driving like a dick. It happens to me every time it snows like crazy. People just tap the breaks constantly. You know what you can do to save me the headache and you the cost of new brakes every other week? Drive slower. That’s it. Less gas means that you don’t need the brakes so much. It’s so easy it’s amazing that you hadn’t thought of it earlier. Well, you were probably too busy braking to think of it. Trade in your car for a bus pass and get off the road because you are going to kill someone driving like an asshole way before you spin off the road.

Dudes who wear shorts in the winter

Mike Literman — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:12:59 PST

It’s cold in winter. You know it, I know it. I was driving home the other day and the thermometer in my car told me it was -5° outside. I’ve never seen it that cold without the wind chill. It was nice in my car and I didn’t have a jacket on, but that’s because I was in the car for over three hours on my way home from Pennsylvania. The windows were freezing, though. I could breathe and fog up my windows and it was easily 70° in my car. So why do you wear shorts in the winter? I don’t think that it’s a manly thing. Have you just watched Survivorman or that one where the British guy pees on everything. Well you’re not. You’re some dude that probably has a drawer of pants that are collecting dust because their jerk owner is wearing shorts on days where thermal underwear is not out of the question. Is it because you don’t live with your parents anymore and don’t have to worry about your mom saying, “Put a jacket on. You’re going to get frostbite.” like mine did. I am happy that she did because when you are outside with your jean shorts and hoodie and gloves and winter hat, half way acknowledging that it is cold enough for winter clothes, I am wearing pants and am pretty bundled up.

I hope that you have insurance for when the hospital has to amputate your stupid bare legs. I’m just concerned, you know?

Kinko's

Mike Literman — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 07:03:57 PST

You know what you are? You are one of two things.
1. You are a poor kid that needs a job in the “tech” field.
2. You are a crappy graphic artist who can’t hack it in the art world so you decide to act like you are better than everyone that comes into Kinko’s

It’s true. You employees think that you are so smart when you don’t even know how to use the machine’s that surround you for your one eight hour shift per week. Practice makes perfect and you have not practiced. I go to Kinko’s when I need copies. It’s nothing hard and I could take care of the math at home, but if I’ve got something that’s 11×17 and need to get it down to print on a standard, 8.5×11 sheet of paper, I understand that there will be extra blank space on the sides due to the ratio difference. Just do what I ask for. I went yesterday with just this situation and said, “Could I have this print copied so that it tiles four on an 8.5×11?”. The guy said he could and then ran an unnecessary $2 print on the color machine even though the print was black and white and proceeded to print four on an 11×17. See my problem? You’re an idiot. It’s simple. I could do it but you approached me so I thought you could do it with less tests than me. Let’s do some basic math to baffle the employees shall we?

If the initial paper is 11×17 and we need it to fit on a page 8.5×11 we have to know where the cropping is going to happen. The first page is going to have to crop down due to the uneven ratios so we have to shrink it down so that the 17 fits into 11.
11/17 = appx. 65%
So there. If we make the print 65% smaller, we can fit it on the desired sheet. There will be about an inch and a half on one side, but we don’t even care about that. So there, we’ve done it. We’ve outsmarted Kinko’s again with 5th grade math.

Stop charging me for your mistake and stop hiring kids that don’t know how to work the machines that you pay them to use.

Bringing kids into head shops

Mike Literman — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 11:31:59 PST

Ugh…

I should just leave it at that. Right there. Done…but I can’t. Sorry friends. People kill me. They will be the death of me. Sometimes I want to take care of myself myself. There is a lot of things that I will miss, but some things I will not miss a single percent. For example…

I was driving down the street yesterday, on my way to get a nice lunch with my girlfriend. Morale was high. Spirits were high. Then I came to a stop light and caught something out of my peripheral vision. There was a group of people walking down the street. To my recollection, there was two women and three men. On top of that, there was a stroller and one of the women was carrying an infant on her shoulder under a blanket. On this particular corner, there are a series of shops. Grocery on the left, eyeglasses and restaurant on the right. “Mike, that’s only three shops. Isn’t there supposed to be four?“ Why yes, there is. The last spot on this particular corner was a head shop. “What’s a head shop?“. Seriously? I don’t even do drugs and I think that my mom, who also doesn’t do drugs told me what it was. I think that she told me when I was young, too. How I retained that I have no idea.

So I am on the corner for the worlds longest red light and I am looking at this family thinking, “Please don’t go into that place.” and about twenty seconds later, they went in there.

What part of you would think that’s a good idea. You can take your baby to bars and it’s better. I think that it’s about the equivalent of bringing a baby to a strip club. I mean all strip clubs, guys who think that they are going to a classier strip club. Let me ask you a question. Are you eating and drinking less than 5 feet from some womans gaping vagina? Then it’s disgusting. Cover your glass when she walks over because crabs are known to jump over ten feet.

What are you going to do when you are in there? Are you going to look for bongs with friendly faces on it so the kids don’t get scared that there is a 68 year old man that still talks about Woodstock like it was yesterday and smells like tree bark and pachouli and has been wearing the same Grateful Dead shirt since the ’76 tour? If you live close enough that you can walk to the shop, than you live close enough to leave your kids at home with someone that’s a little more responsible than you and go get your rolling papers without your kids pullings pipes off the shelf.

Don’t use the word, “Man” so much and don’t bring your children to places that condone drug use. You’re a terrible parent.

Unclassifiable except to just say "This Guy"

Mike Literman — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 10:26:47 PST

Everyone loves music. You do, I do, your mom does, even your gramma whom you’ve never heard even put on one of those 78’s the she has a box of underneath a record player you’ve never seen used does. This is the first fact of this little complaint.

On the flipside, we have all gone to concerts with bands that we weren’t that fond of. We might even go as far as saying that they suck. I know that I have…a lot. When we see these bands that we don’t like, we leave for a bit, maybe get some pizza or taco if you are lucky enough to be at a venue that is by a taco joint. We go outside and hang out with friends who hold similar taste, or lack thereof, for the current band playing. It’s not disrespectful because it could be much worse. Those who are eating a burrito or those who have decided to leave for a little bit to hit on that girl with the sweet extra large Slayer hoodie and skinny jeans which is completely contradictory and you look rediculous which is a side note that we can address later if you’d like, are considerate as to not disturb the band. Which leads me to the associated image. Take a good look. I will be referencing it shortly.

As you can see, this scene takes place in a small club. There is a female singer and male guitar player. It’s an acoustic act and the PA is small and it’s a very close, intimate, show. Now pull your eyes to the right. See that gentleman on what looks like an arcade game? It’s not. It’s a jukebox. He actually went up to the jukebox while the band was playing and began to shuffle through the available selection, probably looking for Sublime and that Steve Miller song that refers to the “Midnight Toker” if I had to put money on it.

I don’t know what else to say aside from, don’t do this. Any while you’re at it, don’t listen to Sublime or The Steve Miller Band.

Smart Kids On Television

Mike Literman — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 06:51:37 PST

Television has gone downhill. One thing I have noticed is the lack of smart kids on television. I was happy. Smart kids were on the fall and my prayers have finally been answered.

“What is your problem with smart kids, Mike?” you ask? Who likes smart kids? TV doesn’t portray them as kids that are smart, because that would be too easy to watch apparently. These kids are smart ass kids who know too much and makes you wonder, what the hell is up with this kid. It’s not that they are nerds, which they typically are, but they are just loudmouthed punk kids that should keep their mouths shut.

Commercials do it, too. My inspiration for this was that commercial where the little girls wastes like forty gallons of grape juice on keeping monsters out of her room because “...the antioxidants will save me.” What are you doing knowing about antioxidants and that monster should eat you since you don’t even know the correct definition of the word.

Idiot kids. I could beat that seven year old up.

Sitting in a coffee shop

Mike Literman — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 06:32:41 PST

Remember when you were in sixth grade and you had that one friend who’s mom let them drink coffee and you were jealous because of it only to realize then in seven years you realize that they weren’t that cool and that coffee isn’t that great in the long run? These people still drink coffee and you know what, good because these people are fine with me. Young kids drinking coffee, that’s no good. Give that kid some juice and tell him coffee is for adults and pretentious pricks that think that they still get “wired” from drinking that same gross cup of espresso that they have built up an immunity to.

So let’s take a trip, shall we? Let me take you to your local coffee shop. Starbucks is not your local coffee shop. Sorry, but it’s not and I am not even that sorry to be quite honest. Let’s go and get some tea and a sandwich because I love sandwiches. Wow, it sure is packed in here, I hope we get a spot. Watch that guy who looks like he’s done eating so that we can take his spot. Or that kid over there who is also just sitting there with an empty cup. Oh oh oh, that woman over there just put down her news paper, watch her! Wait a minute, no one here is actually doing anything! That kid is on the computer with no coffee or food. Those jerks are taking up a big table to study and not patron the shop. These two old birds are talking over a closed box of cupcakes for over a half an hour.

No one has the courtesy to say, “Oh, hey…you know what? There are people standing up and trying to find a spot. Maybe I’ve been here long enough reading this book and not buying a single thing. I’ll get up and leave and let these people sit down.”

You’ve got to be kidding me. If you owned a shop and people came in to read the paper and check email and study and not buy anything, you would be pissed. So stop being a dick and buy something or leave. Jesus, even homeless people know to stay outside when they don’t have any money. That’s right, you are worse to society than a homeless person. I hope that burns more than when you told your dad you were going to school for theater or dance.

Halloween Costumes

Mike Literman — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 12:55:35 PDT

Remember back when we were all kids and we used to get all excited about Halloween? You know, back before were were all jaded and cynical and hated holidays and religion and society. We used to love going in July to get our costume, whether it be a rock star, superman, spiderman, indian, skeleton, ghost, or whatever you could get your hands on. You would rip the pillow case right off your pillow because you knew that you were going to get more than last year. Little did you know that you would only get 1/17th of that pillow case.

So being a whore isn’t an outfit. Sorry, but it’s not. What do you tell people you are when they ask? It’s either someone that wants to get fondled or a prostitute. I suppose either way it’s happening but you’ve had too many candy corn and vodka’s to remember the guy in the horse costumes name to call the cops and report him for raping you.

Bunny ears is not a costume. It’s part. It’s closer. It’s not a costume. You could add a tail and be a Playboy bunny. That would be a costume, but with just ears, you are a person that couldn’t afford a real costume and isn’t really too original.

Finally, no costume should mean that you shouldn’t get candy. That’s right, brats. Honestly, steal some of your mom or sisters makeup and get to work on a skeleton or zombie. Your sister wears too much makeup anyhow so you stealing a little bit of it might finally get her the attention that she deserves. I saw kids a ton this year in a group of what felt like a thousand that didn’t have costumes on. If you don’t have a costume it’s basically just a hold up for candy. You don’t have any business being there since you aren’t participating in the only rule there is.

Get a costume. It could potentially cost less than $10 for me not to hate you. Hate is a strong word but if you already don’t participate in fun activities at the age of 11, you are going to be a real piece of shit when you grow up.

Not bringing the check with the final check-up

Mike Literman — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 06:45:14 PDT

You were a wonderful waiter/ess and I will tip you well. You work on your feet all day, serving people that probably treat you less than desirably and you go blamed for every bad mean that crosses your path, even though it’s not your fault that the chef back there is new and the old one hates his job so he isn’t really putting his all into to it anymore even though he has an illegitimate child to take care of.

So I have been good to you, and you have done they whole “Would you like some dessert?” spiel, to which I declined. So why don’t you have the check in hand right then? Why do I have to wait another 10 minutes. I mean, there is a batch of nuns at the door waiting to get a seat so they can all split an onion blossom.

Just close out my bill and bring it, your turnover will be faster and you will get that $0.25 raise that you need to buy those chemistry text books for college.

Leaving Your Turn Signal On

Mike Literman — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 07:26:34 PDT

So I am driving down the road today on my way to work today and I am merging in a normally difficult section but this time, it was not the case. So I look behind me and a ways back there is a Jaguar with it’s right turn signal on so I assume that he is merging where I am coming out, so I pull out in front of him, by like 100+ feet. He rides up to my bumper also riding his horn. What a total dick. He may have a problem with my driving, but I did nothing wrong and you left your blinker on. I can’t tell you how many times in the city where people just leave them on. I had a car that used to alert me when I left my turn signal on for an extended period of time. Thank you, Pontiac. Can’t you hear that clicking that goes on for 30 blocks or do you have your music too loud? I don’t know. You’re an idiot and it shows because you are a 30 year old in a Jaguar that’s not an XK. Way to go, gramps.

People Reading Menus Over The Phone

Mike Literman — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 08:35:56 PDT

What an irritating jerk. How could you even think that this is acceptable? Let me tell you how your brain should work. If you go to a restaurant that has hamburgers and hot dogs, your idiot friend that you are talking to doesn’t need to know the whole menu? You know why? Because his dumb ass knows what else they sell. It’s certainly not sushi, caviar, or a New York T-Bone steak. It’s every revision of the burger, hot dog, and deep fried food. It’s common sense and you have obviously lost all of yours because you are reading every item on the menu and it’s making me want to kill you. I mean, seriously, do you really have that dumb of a friend/spouse or are you yourself so dumb as to lose the ability to sum up what they have? I don’t know why I am even asking. Of course you are, you are the one reading the menu out loud. Take it outside or know your friends better so that you can get them a meal without having to go through 36 items before you both agree on one.

You don't take credit cards?!

Mike Literman — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 02:05:45 PDT

C’mon. Really?! I mean, seriously.

Marshall McLuhan once said, “Cash. The Poor Man’s Credit Card.“

You know when he said that? 1994. That was 13 years ago. 13! It’s 2007 and you still can’t come up with enough money to process credits cards? You are a business and I might just go ahead and say that if you can’t afford to process credit cards, you are doing something wrong because it’s not that much. Obviously you can’t imagine how much money you are losing due to not accepting credit cards because if you could, you would be swiping my Mastercard and I would be eating General Tzo chicken right now. Everyone else is doing it…for a reason. Welcome to the digital era.

People Wearing Glasses Backwards

Mike Literman — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 01:59:34 PDT

This really bothers me. Remember back in good ‘ol ’97, people used to have those florescent sunglasses holders that you wore around your neck so that you didn’t lose those killer glasses that you no doubt got for free at your work picnic the week before? Well get back to that, because you look rediculous with those glasses on your head backwards. Who do you thing you are? Kris Kross? You’re not, so put your glasses on a lanyard, in your pocket, purse, or leave them in your friends car.

Beverages in Plastic Containers

Mike Literman — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 09:03:55 PDT

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that I was going to a frat party. I thought that this was a nice establishment. It’s not like I didn’t order a meal, I ordered food as did everyone else in my party. So what’s the deal with the plastic cups? Sure it’s water, but you’ve got somebody back there that either is sixteen years old trying to make a couple of bucks or some surly thirty year old man trying to support kid that he accidentally made because the “pull-out technique” didn’t work and his “need” to smoke a pound of weed a day. Bring me a glass. Made of glass. Not plastic, you cheap bastards.

My burger was delicious, though.

Feet Out The Window

Mike Literman — Sat, 28 Jul 2007 04:24:33 PDT

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Why would you do this? Do your feet smell, are they sweating, has somebody made a comment about them or do you just wish to advertise that your toenails are painted toxic orange? We’ve all seen what happens to people that stick their feet out the window if you’ve ever seen the movie Death Proof and it’s not good. It seems to be mostly women but I’m fairly certain that men are also stupid enough to put their dumb sandal wearing feet outside the window as well. I would like to think that the rules of a roller-coaster are much like that of and automobile and that is as follows: “Please keep your arms and feet inside the vehicle at all times .” From now on I would like to see nothing more than an elbow sticking out of a car because when you lose it, and you will lose it, I don’t want to hear you complaining because you brought on yourself.

Diet Coke Plus

Mike Literman — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 04:38:03 PDT

Remember when you were 8 and loved to drink tons of pop. Every meal you had a glass or two, in school you had some more, and every Happy Meal you would have a cheeseburger, fries, and some sort of cola. Your mom wised up. She talked to the other moms and it turns out that all their kids were hyper. No more pop for you. You’ll rot your teeth. It’s not good for you. We’ve heard them all.

The time has come. Technology has worked in your favor. You now have Diet Coke Plus.

“Diet Coke Plus is a new formulation of Diet Coke fortified with vitamins and minerals.”

It’s still sugary cola that might have less calories, but still has Splenda in it so say goodbye to your health all the same. Great, you can now supplement a vegetables for a bottle of pop. You’ve been fooled by a bottle of $1.39 bottle of pop. Kiss your teeth goodbye and don’t forget to tip your dentist.

Cell Phone Belt Clips

Mike Literman — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 11:00:25 PDT

I have never used these. They have come with almost every phone I have ever bought and I haven’t done as much as taken them out of the plastic. You know why? It’s because when Jesus and Levi Strauss invented jeans, they installed a feature called the pocket. This invention blew people away because they could then stop clipping shit to their pants and not put them in these convenient little storage compartments.

Not only does it make you phone fully susceptible to all the elements (water, bumping in to people, falling off because you fastened it incorrectly, scratching…), but you look like an idiot business man/woman. “Look at me. I am so important that I need my phone out and ready to make and receive calls at all times.”

Just use your pockets. They are there for a reason, for cell phones and hands and all that other crap you insist on carrying.

Fast Food Competency

Mike Literman — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 03:30:21 PDT

Oh ha ha, I know. Another fast food complaint from Mike. But here’s the thing, I don’t often eat fast food but is it too much to ask for that they get my order right? I’m not one of those people that asks for more of this, less of that, extra this, with a side of this but ordering something straight off the menu as is should be the easiest possible thing to get correct. But no. Out of the last half dozen times I’ve gone to Burger King, that they have gotten my order wrong four times . No pie twice , no tomatoes once, and the worst of all was forgetting my French fries and if anybody knows me they know not to mess with my French fries. So what we do ? I know that the obvious answer would be to get a more competent customer service staff but what happens to the people that are the work at your local fast food restaurant? Do we ship them off to somewhere with even less of a learning curve ? I have worked in food service for many years and I understand what it is to get an order wrong but if I go and get my order wrong consistently, I know for fact that there are hundreds of orders that are going out incorrect and guess what, I’m not made of money. So when I go and I place an order , I expect it to be right and I don’t think that that’s a far fetched demand since that is what your job entails . I’ve tried to give you the benefit of the doubt multiple times but you keep screwing me . I had Wendy’s on a three year boycott because not only did they always get my order wrong but I got ridiculously sick and decided that I was no longer going to frequent their fine establishment. I have since lifted that boycott, but I believe I will lower it right down on Burger King . That is a very difficult thing for me to do since I love Whoppers and their French fries are also pretty good .

So here we are in the 21st century and you drive up to a fast food restaurant and you place your order and get it pleasantly display it to you on a monitor so that you can see what you’re going to get. No onions, extra tomatoes, large Sprite , small fry , and a cheeseburger . You pay the woman with exceptionally large fingernails and she hands you a bag or two of your meal. There is no need to check the bags since not only did they read your order back to you but it was printed on that screen and you have paid for the food that was printed on that screen and read back to you. So when I get home to discover that there is spaghetti mixed with a sprite and a hamburger with bacon and orange slices on it, I get tremendously irritated that I just blew money on a meal that sucks .

In closing, pay more attention . I know that you work at McDonald’s or Burger King or Sonics or White Castle , but you’re on the fast track to getting your ass canned because you can’t put out a correct order . And don’t ever forget my French fries again or I may kill you .

Popped Collars

Mike Literman — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 02:44:34 PDT

I can not believe that this is still happening. It never looked good. It was never acceptible and never once did I think to myself, “You know Mike, I think that I am going to let this collar stay up.” I mean come on, you know that it happened one day when some lazy a-hole decided to just leave them up. They come up all the time. Use more starch to keep them down. Remember wearing a collared shirt and having a friend or co-worker say, “Oh hey, buddy. You’re collar is up.” and you would say, “Thanks” and then put it down? That’s the way that it should still be. Not something disastrous like in this following made up scenario.

“Hey man, you’re collar’s up.” to which you respond with, “Oh I know. And I like it.”

You’re f’n fired, brother. Now you’ve got your girlfriend poppin’ that collar? I don’t know what’s worse. Probably still the guy because female fashion changes so frequently that next week no self-respecting woman will have one because it will be such a faux pas that you will be excommunicated from the female race if you do. It’s that harsh. What a harsh world we live in.

God bless T-Shirts and Jeans. I am always, at most, moderately in style.

Burger King Drive Through Window

Mike Literman — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 07:09:53 PDT

This upsets me every time I go and I have now beat it by ignoring it. Here’s the situation. You want a quick meal and you don’t have time to go inside so you have to go through the drive though. You get to the speaker and a lovely voice says, “Welcome to Burger King, how may I help you?”. You instinctively tell them what you want…only to find that it’s not a real person. It’s a recording to keep you busy until the person that is alive and employed comes to the speaker. So by then, I have already placed half an order and then I have to repeat myself…I hate repeating myself. So no, I have outsmarted them by not answering the initial message. It’s a simple solution to a problem that never should have existed. Goddammit I hate that voice. Why is it even there? Who thought that it was necessary? Who said, “You know what, let’s have a voice that talks to people that doesn’t listen and then, 10 seconds later, have a real person ask you the same question after you’ve placed an order. That’s a good idea. I am a genius. I am going to go get one of my perk blowjobs that my high paid position offers me as a benefit. God I hate my wife.”

PS: I love your Whoppers.

Copper Cars

Mike Literman — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 11:39:20 PDT

Stop it. You made a bad decision. I can just imagine what you were thinking. “Yeah, you know what? I want to drive a car that looks like a new penny.” I just hope that one day the cars look like what the Statue of Liberty looks like now.

NOTE: I know that these cars aren’t made of REAL copper, but whether you call it “Solar Orange”, “Fusion Orange Metallic”, or “Autumn Copper” you still look like an asshole.

Repetitious Menus

Mike Literman — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:26:32 PDT

Oh my gosh. We live in an era of efficiency and some places still don’t get it. We as people understand pricing. If something is $2, then we assume that two of that same item would be $4. Unless you are at the flea market or somewhere like India where you can haggle prices, this is the way that it is. I have gone to several restaurants and this has been shoved in my face to the most extreme extent. Aside from the image that you see here, I have gone to a pizza place around the corner from me with this sign:

1 Slice : $02.00
2 Slices : $04.00
3 Slices : $06.00
4 Slices : $08.00
5 Slices : $10.00
6 Slices : $12.00
7 Slices : $14.00
8 Slices : $16.00

They even had the zero in front of the price and that bothered me. We’re not computers. I guess what I am saying is that a sign marked “$2 a slice” would suffice. The image, if you will take a look, says that all 7” subs are $4.99 and all 14” subs are $6.99, but not in the “common sense” way. No. They have every sub offered and it’s accompanying price for every one. It’s just irritating.

Cut the crap, and sum up your signs. More people will buy from you.

Sleepwear in Public

Mike Literman — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 06:12:12 PDT

Sometimes I get tired. It’s late and I have to move my car and I don’t really feel like putting pants on because I am ready for bed. I grumble for about 30 seconds and decide to just suck it up, put pants on, and then move the car.

I absolutely hate it when people don’t “suck it up” like I illustrated above and wear sleep pants outside. It’s 2:30 in the afternoon and I am out and people are walking around in pajama bottoms and some ragged old T-shirt sixteen sizes bigger than they should be wearing. I find that girls do this more than guys, but when guys do it I think that it’s worse because they go the whole nine yards and wear sweatpants, sandals and socks, don’t shave, and some Champion T-Shirt that belonged to a man that weighed no less than 300lbs.

So why is it that I put forth the effort to wear decent clothing and everyone else just feels the need the “slum it”. That’s not right. Just shut up and put on some pants. It’s not that hard. I am sure since you are already dressed like a piece of garbage that your room is a mess and when reaching for your trusty ol’ flannels, you can move your hand a few inches in either direction and find some jeans on your messy floor.

Jeans are cheap. Get to it and stop looking like a dumpy bitch all the time.

One-Ply Toilet Paper

Mike Literman — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 09:09:05 PDT

Everywhere I go places are cutting corners…and in all the wrong places, I must add. Buy less pens, stop buying pencils all together, layoffs, etc. These are all things that should happen first, but when it comes to comfort and morale, you can’t beat the solitude of being alone in the bathroom. This entire scenario takes a turn for the worst when you look down to find what they expect you to “clean up shop” with. It’s rough and there just isn’t that distance that I feel is necessary when your hand is that close to a wicked BM. Plus, that walk back to wherever you are going once you use it is rough because you always feel that you did a sub-par job in the clean up department. We are like one step away from just putting old reams of paper in there. Crapping outside and using leaves might be a better solution than one-ply.

Your Name Tattooed On Yourself

Mike Literman — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 12:53:27 PDT

Really? Are you going to forget? I forget peoples names all the time. I meet them and forget it instantly. I meet people, don’t see them for a few years or months and forget it. I still know mine. I am assuming that you know yours. How else would you put your signature on checks or sign your emails label things in the fridge at work so your dick co-workers don’t take your sandwiches? So why would you put it on your own body permanently. I mean, do you really like it that much? My name is Mike and I don’t mind it one bit but I am not so proud of it that I would get it on me. Maybe not proud is the wrong word. Stupid. There it is. That’s the word. People that see you pumping gas with your stupid name tattooed on yourself don’t care about your name and neither do I.

Neck Tattoos

Mike Literman — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 06:19:05 PDT

Really? That’s the decision that you made. I think that Todd Barry said it best by saying, “You forgot to not do that.” It’s almost never a decent tattoo and it can’t be covered up unless you want to wear a turtleneck or if you’re even dumber that I think and you wear a mock-turtleneck. It’s great that you love your mom, but that’s what the forearm is for. I guarantee that your ma’s would like it more if you got it on your arm or even a chest piece would be better than a friggin’ neck tattoo. Your mom would probably just like it better if your dumb ass sent a card. Don’t forget about your moms birthday. That’s something you might regret more than your stupid new tattoo.

KFC Chicken and Biscuit Bowl

Mike Literman — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 08:55:44 PDT

Oh man. I hate that it’s come to this. Restaurants are pre-mixing our food for us again. I know that this isn’t new. KFC has made this dish before and it irritated me before, but it’s back and time to let ‘em have it. Now don’t get me wrong. During Thanksgiving I love to mix my corn with my mashed potatoes and put some gravy on it, but for a fast food restaurant to just slap everything on the menu is just an illustration of how fat we have become. People aren’t even picky with their food anymore. There are two ways to order this.

1. I am just going to order everything on the menu and mix it up and eat it.
2. Put everything that you’ve got back there into a bowl.

Seriously. Get some taste for food and eat that. You are like one step away from eating out of a trough.

Passengers Listening to Headphones In Cars

Mike Literman — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 01:50:26 PDT

Ugh. Are your parents so bad that you can’t talk to them? I asked a few people and they didn’t have a problem, but this is my site and I have a problem with it. I hate seeing kids, mostly teens, in cars with their parents (or guardians) listening to headphones. I grew up listening to my talk radio with my dad. It was terrible. Turns out that when I am in the car, on my way to work that’s all that I listen to. Irony. Anyhow, kids are sitting the front seat listening to headphones totally tuning out the people that they are driving them places…probably the mall…to buy choker necklaces. Is it so hard to ride for a couple minutes with people that you can turn the Blink182 in your headphones and talk to your parents. They could have some important information for you. Like, for example, how disrespectful it is to ride in the car with headphones on.

Crocs

Mike Literman — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 01:54:37 PDT

Stop it. You look like an idiot. Flip Flops are one thing. Black Adidas sandals are one thing. Socks and sandals are a totally other thing. You are wearing styrofoam shoes. Buy yourself a pair of real shoes and cut the crap. But wait…we’re not through, because now you can buy charms to put in the little vent holes. So great, you’ve got a pair of Crocs and they have a little pig charm. For every charm you kill me that much faster.

Parking Like A Disrespectful Idiot

Mike Literman — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 11:09:22 PDT

Oh come on now? Take a look at that image and tell me that not a single ounce of you wants to either slash the tires or key some derogatory comment into the side. This happens all the time. There is more than enough room to park two cars in that spot. There is more than enough room to park two Hummers. No, not the H3’s or even the H2’s. I am talking Army style. Arnold style. Personally, I think that they should give tickets for that. I mean, if I get a ticket for parking legitimately 15 minutes past the time that I have to move, this guy should get a ticket for taking up “golden” legal parking space. Goddamnit…just look at that picture again and comment about this a-hole for me. I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Nextel Phones

Mike Literman — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 11:55:44 PDT

Where to start? Do I mention the fact that their technology is five years behind and there is no longer anything special about a camera phone and even less special about a flip phone. No, sir. My complaint is as follows. I know that we’ve all been there. We are in a crowded area and you hear it. CHIRP CHIRP. Normally, people have vibrate on. I have never listened had my ringer on because I hate when peoples phones ring. The invention of the polyphonic ring made my ears stop bleeding, but Nextel is really out to kill me. The Chirping makes me feel like I am in a friggin’ aviary. Why is it there at all? Why is it so loud? Why can’t people just put it on a normal ringer, or even better, vibrate? For the love of God. Get a real phone plan and shut that thing up.

Usage of the word "You's"

Mike Literman — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 07:20:27 PDT

I know, I know. It’s a regional thing, but it’s not a word. “You’re” is “you are”. “Can’t” is “can not”. Based of that knowledge, “You’s” is “you is”. When have you ever not contracted them and said “you is”? I get this constantly at resteraunts from waitresses. Mostly women for what it’s worth. It used to be older women but now younger women, 20’s are doing it and that’s sad. Is it so hard to use words that are in the dictionary? There are tens of thousands and you are still making some up? Guess what, America. There already exists a word that will make your terrible grammar correct. You use it every day and as a matter of fact, I just used it in this sentence. “You”. Are “you” ready to order? Can I get “you” something to drink? It’s not pluralized or contracted or whatever the heck you are doing to it. Drop it and leave it when you hopefully left “ain’t”.

People Carrying Dogs

Mike Literman — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 06:32:57 PDT

I don’t know if you know this, but (most) animals have legs. People have legs to walk, and that is also what dogs legs are made to do. Please, stop carrying your dog. Some people have backpacks, some people have carriers, some do it “the ‘ol fashioned way” with just their bare hands. All are stupid. Let your dog walk. They are not accessories. When you get ready for bed, do you put your dog in a jewelry box next to your watches and you necklaces? I didn’t think so. It should have been a dead give away when you get home and take your dog out of that stupid duffel bag and it runs and runs all around the house that it might not like being treated like an item in a purse. Stop being stupid and walk your dog.

Name Tag Earrings

Mike Literman — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 09:24:47 PDT

I know what your name is. And even if I don’t, I probably don’t care to. Not to be a jerk, but your long name shouldn’t be on a piece of jewelry. A necklace is one thing, probably because if you feel that it’s too gaudy for the situation, you can always tuck it in your shirt, but earrings? I’ve seen on multiple occasions people that have 4 inch wide earrings that scrape their neck because their “bling” is too big for their stupid head. Replace it with the 1kt cubic zirconia from Delia’s that once populated that hole.

People Riding Bikes in 1st Gear

Mike Literman — Thu, 31 May 2007 07:44:06 PDT

Stop it. For the love of God. You look ridiculous. I wish you could see yourself, peddling one thousand times to get the wheel to go around twice. It’s great for uphills so you can calm down a little bit, but for downhill or even straight driving you look like an idiot. It’s additionally stupid for people that are trying to work out as there is zero resistance and you are just wearing yourself out.

Talking Loudly

Mike Literman — Wed, 30 May 2007 02:22:25 PDT

I am eating. Chances are that I had a rough day and just want to relax. Now, I don’t want to give off the wrong impression, but I am a loud person, but I know when I am and know when I am not. I am not loud in restaurants. So as I sit and eat my food, I don’t want to hear about how your kid came home late, or how your bowels just aren’t what they used to be, or how shoes shouldn’t cost as much as they do, even if they are just “some leather and rubber”. Shut up, eat your value meal, and leave me out of your conversation. Thought you should know that I am involuntarily listening because of your stupid loud mouth, so don’t yell at me for knowing your secrets.

Heely Shoes

Mike Literman — Tue, 29 May 2007 05:41:50 PDT

Oh, dude. So kids running through the mall wasn’t enough? I’ve got an idea, let’s put wheels on kids at all times. Run 5 feet, roll 5 feet. Run 5 more feet, roll 5 feet. I’ve seen parents just hold their kids hands and roll them through stores. As terrible as it is, I must say, it was quite gratifying to see that one kid eat it for putting his tow down a bit too early. Let it be a lesson to the rest of you kids. Cut the crap and walk.

Bluetooth Headsets

Mike Literman — Tue, 29 May 2007 10:50:22 PDT

Do not wear them in restaurants. Not only is it tremendously disrespectful to the people you are with because it’s obvious that your number one priority is that you can take phone calls instantly and you don’t care about talking over group meal like a jackass, you look like an idiotic cyborg. Don’t even get me started on the ones with the blinking lights. You’re a douchebag.

Slow Turners

Mike Literman — Tue, 29 May 2007 09:51:17 PDT

You can drive faster than 3 miles per hour to make a turn. I don’t care if you are turning left or right, but there are people behind you. Step on the gas you old bastard.