Complaint After Complaint

If Britney Spears’s disastrous marriage to K-Fed taught us anything, it should have been that white guys can’t pull off cornrows. Yet somehow I saw a guy just today attempting to work with this major hair don’t.
There isn’t really much I can say in response to the worst idea ever other than Cut The Crap. You can try all day and all night but you’re never going to be as cool as the guy in the R&B group on MTV doing sweet hip-hop moves. I know you had it rough growing up in a two-parent home in the suburbs and you want to braid your hair so people believe you have some sort of street-cred, but really, give it up. There are some things that not just anyone can pull off and this is definitely one of them. Please stop. Please. You look ridiculous and I will not be held responsible for pointing and laughing.

There are few things in life that I hate more than other people’s children. This is pretty much a given. But among the many things that are aggravating about these swarms of children everywhere i go, is the need of people to attach lights to their children’s feet. This is lame second only to Heely shoes and the constant attachment of wheels to kids.
Is this little hyperactive fool’s need to run in circles and tap his feet not enough without the miniature red light show that catches the eye of everyone in the room? How has this not given someone a seizure yet?
The worst thing is, not only are there light up sneakers, but there are light up plastic dress shoes with clear high heels that light up red for young strippers in training. I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me. I can tell you right now that when i decide to grace to population with new additions by having well-trained and well-dressed children of my own, no temper tantrum they could ever muster would find me permitting them to be seen in public in light-up shoes. Over my dead body.

Men, do you think you’re fooling someone, anyone?
So you’re receding, thinning, whatever. Big deal. Try to maintain your dignity and don’t grow one section of your hair long in an attempt to cover the bare spaces. I mean honestly, bald men who do NOT do this look waaaaaay better than the ones who do. I am totally sure that we women are all unanimous in believing that. I am totally sure that men with hair agree as well. In fact, I am pretty sure that the only people who disagree are men with combovers.
What I truly wonder is, what do your stylists, barbers, or whatever, say when you go in for a trim and they comb that extra-long flap of hair out of the way and you go “oh hey, don’t cut that, i need it to cover this huge bald spot I have.” Has anyone ever told you to just give up and own what the lord gave ya? If not, someone really should, because combovers are absolutely inexcusable.

Girl, who you playin’? Are we supposed to believe these are real? Are we supposed to think you didn’t spend like $40 on the crazy crap glued to your hands?
The problem with these is that when your nails are square-ended and about 1/4 inch thick, anything cute or unique about them is negated by the fact that you’re basically just lugging chunks of plastic around on your hands. Remember those little fingertip things that came with witch costumes when you were a little kid? Well, this isn’t much better than those were.
I understand that it takes some skill on the part of the person performing the manicure to make such tiny designs, but the fact that there is a market for this will never cease to amaze me. This ESPECIALLY applies to girls who normally have plain, ordinary hands but opt for insanity on the occasion of a prom or, worse yet, wedding.
Get a manicure, pamper yourself, go ahead! Leave the weird thick plastic nails out of it!

Just so everyone knows, you CANNOT have a vanity plate on your car without looking stupid. It’s impossible. Here’s the thing, there is no such thing as a bad vanity plate and that is because there is no such thing as a good vanity plate. I don’t care what kind of car you drive or how clever you think your idea is, every single human being with common sense who sees your license plate is thinking “what an idiot.” If it’s me or one of my friends, we might even be reaching for our camera phones to share your stupidity for sheer amusement.
The other day I saw a minivan with a vanity plate that said “LORDNOSE.” Seriously? That is so ridiculous I can’t even respond to it intelligently. I can say this, whether you’re LORDNOSE or DIVA1, you are drawing only negative attention to yourself and I speak for everyone on the road when i say we’re laughing AT you, not WITH you.

Now, thinking about this I wasn’t sure if it should fall under the “People” category or the “Clothing” category, but here we are. The thing is, ladies, even though I am of the school of women who believe that nearly no one has a body good enough to legitimately wear a thong, that’s totally beside the point that thongs CAN be worn WITHOUT being seen by EVERYONE WHO WALKS BY.
This phenomenon to the left is called “whale tail” and in spite of the fact that some (often white trash) people may think that this is sexy, it’s really, really not. Here’s the thing, being able to see this much of your thong means that in your thong’s absence, we’d be able to see that much of your crack. Crack is whack. You’ve learned it, you’ve loved it, now apply it to your daily life and, more importantly, your thong!

Ohhhh you’re soooo badass! Sometimes I can’t decide what’s worse, the fact that people get these tattoos or the fact that these people are so proud of them they proudly take pictures and put them on the internet. Even worse than that girl’s horrific chest piece at left is the ever popular guns-on-hips option. Really? Girls do this more often than guys and is it supposed to be sexy? I’ve tried and tried and i can’t nail down the motivation behind tattooing controversial weapons on the body, male or female. Are these weapons you’d actually carry? Does something about the thought of a picture of cold, hard steel etched into your skin make you feel cool?
I’m not arguing for or against gun control here, that’s so not my issue right now. All I am trying to do is figure out how you’re going to feel about those sweet revolvers you tattooed on your stomach when you’re 33 years old, 8 months pregnant, and they’re stretched so far they kind of resemble rifles. Oooh, now THAT is badass! Show ‘em what you’re made of.

Do people encourage this look? In my image hunt I found more than one website that sells various colored dreadlock extensions. Honestly?

Now, obviously, this is a look most commonly seen on moron goth kids wearing dog collars and wide-leg pants with all sorts of zippers and chains. Clearly the bad choices these kids made aren’t only limited to their hair, but really, this is your hair. Hair is like an accessory you wear every day. Why would you attach oddly colored yarn directly to your scalp and (most likely) brag about your hair as being one of your greatest features. You look like an asshole. And when i say you look like an asshole I mean that people with dreadlocks the color of their natural hair generally look pretty stupid, but the decision to make them black, pink, orange, blue, or whatever color of the rainbow you seemed to think looked good only makes you look about a billion times dumber than the patchouli smelling hippie with the dirty blonde topknot smoking cloves in the park. Don’t worry, that guy will have his own whole separate complaint.

Listen kid, this is life here, not “The Fast and the Furious.” Driving some super pimped out car does NOT make you look cool. We live in a world where driving too ridiculous of an unmodified car you look like an asshole (such as a Hummer H2). When you take your Honda Civic, or even worse, your Chevy Cavalier, and add rear spoilers, front lip spoilers, rims, crazy paint jobs, tints, decals, silly lights, etc., you are not “improving” your vehicle or your image. What you are instead accomplishing is making yourself look like a really big jerk with a really small penis. Believe me, that’s what we’re allllll thinking. Men and women alike are looking at you, looking at your car, and marveling at the lethal combination of stupidity and insecurity that have made you take a perfectly good car and turn it into a moronmobile. We also don’t appreciate you trying to race us on the road. If I thought you were stupid BEFORE you made an effort to prove you were cool by speeding away from me, imagine what I must think of you after that display of ignorance in traffic?
In the future, just drive your car as it is and stop being such a wanker. If you really want to drive a car that serves as a warning to all other people that you’re worthless, that’s what those Hummers are for, and if you can’t afford one of those i hear PT Cruisers are reasonably cheap and I guarantee you’ll still look like a jackass.

I know, I know, this is my third post with a title including the word “etiquette.” But really, is existing with other humans soooooo hard for some people?
Here’s my problem: Walking is not a difficult thing to do. It doesn’t become difficult when done in a hallway or on a stairwell or even in a place where other people are walking. This is something you probably taught yourself to do before the age of 1, and decades later still haven’t quite mastered. Are you kidding me?

When you’re walking toward another person in opposite directions, each of you should step to the right. I would have thought this was a universal thing, but every time i attempt it the idiot coming at me either walks directly into me or steps to his left and then we do a little dance which the moron who has gone the wrong way always finds super funny. I don’t get it.
Here’s another thing, when i am walking literally two inches from a wall to my right and you are coming directly at me, I can’t move out of the way. I have nowhere to go. If i am walking as far to my right as I can possibly be then it is your obligation to go around me. It’s just proper walking etiquette. Believe me, if this is the situation, when you walk into me you’re going to have a serious collision with my elbow or my shoulder. If you don’t know how to walk amongst other people I am going to make sure you learn your lesson in the most painful way possible.

Another problem, don’t stop to have a conversation with someone passing you in a narrow hallway or on any kind of stairwell. You better really hope I am not behind you when you do this because I will put my hand on your back and move your ass right along. I get it, I do. You think the world revolves around you and if you want to talk to your homey on the stairs then the world can really wait. I get that. But just because I understand it doesn’t mean I am going to let you behave like a jackass.

The amount of jerks encountered in traffic is more than sufficient to provide me with ample aggravation. I do not need morons who can’t even walk down the street without pissing me off. The above are only a few of the common-sense rules you should be aware of if you’re going to use your feet as a mode of transportation in this world. Among almost everything else that annoys me, these are things that people should have figured out on their own, but until i see some evidence of that I will continue to not-so-politely explain them to everyone i meet.