Complaint After Complaint

okay, here’s a phenomenon that seems almost exclusive to scene trash. are you really wearing a little silver or pink brass knuckles charm around your neck? i mean, honestly? this is ALMOST as ridiculous as gun tattoos on the hips with the exception of the fact that tattoos are permanent and you could potentially remove your brass knuckles necklace and throw it in the trash and pretend that you were never stupid enough to go to www.trashvilleusa.com and buy such a thing in the first place. i mean, have you ever even SEEN real brass knuckles? probably not. do you even care? again, probably not.
let’s go through a quick rundown of the types of girls who wear these things, shall we?
so along with a brass knuckles charm necklace a really good piece of scene trash might also have a pair of flats with hot pink skulls on them, cheap skinny jeans, a pinup girl tattoo, a headband with cherries on it, and a horrific haircut that is an embarrassing combination of asymmetry, long-in-the-front-short-in-the-back (a reverse mullet, if you will), and botched self-color work.
you should be ASHAMED of yourself. go give a hummer to the guy with the red and black hair and the crossed revolvers belt buckle. i hope your brass knuckles necklace strangles you as you sleep passed out on someone’s dirty apartment floor.

so here’s the deal, when i am entering any place of business from a doctor’s office to a bank to a hardware store, i expect to be treated as though my business is welcome. working in the service industry myself, i know it is not particularly hard to welcome customers unless they are rude to you first. i’m polite to those receptionists when i enter the doctor’s office, i expect them to return the favor.
now, i get that you hate your tedious job and you want to take it out on me because my job is more fun than yours AND i probably make more money and am 20 years your junior, but IF you MUST be rude to me could you AT LEAST be able to do your job well? i am positive i’d be more patient about your stinky attitude if you were able to help me make an appointment without crossing your eyes at me like i’m asking you to split an atom when i asked you to schedule an appointment for me. you’ve got two options, rudeness or incompetency. you do not get to do both. those two qualities do not go well together. i mean really, you have to be kidding me. especially the old woman who takes my co-pay, seriously, i will reach across that counter and yank the wig off her head if it’s the last thing i do.
so seriously, get your shit together people. you don’t get to be a jerk to me because i am asking you to perform a seemingly simple task that isn’t just a part of your job but it literally IS your ENTIRE job. please believe that the minute i see you raise one eyebrow at me like i am inconveniencing you i will do my best to make sure i am the most unpleasant person you’ve dealt with in years.
and yes, i did use a picture from don’t tell mom the babysitter’s dead for this entry.

Are you really this bad a parent? Is your child so frickin’ disobedient that you can’t seem to keep the kid from running off into crowds in airports, zoos, and other public places? Here’s an idea, you know how we put Fido on a leash so he doesn’t run into traffic? Yeah, why don’t we try doing that with little Hayden or McKenzie (these kids always have named like this – or Taylor, or Sydney).
Now as if harnessing your child and pulling him or her back to you with a leash isn’t bad enough, in an attempt to make this look less like you’ve dressed your poorly behaved toddler in bondage gear they’ve gone and made these little animal shaped backpacks. In my travels I have seen quite a few kids wearing monkeys with excessively long tails, at the end of these long tails are bad mothers being pulled through crowded terminals by screaming toddlers with snot dripping down their faces.
People, I beg of you, don’t harness your child. Instead, how about you just teach the little shit how to behave. It would benefit the greater good if you could just be a decent parent and save the leashes for your pets.

What the fuck are you doing here? You’ve really gone and done it this time. You’re not white trash from below the Mason Dixon line. You don’t live in a trailer park. You’re supposed to know better. Actually, you DO know better. For some ungodly reason you knowingly went out and got a white trash haircut. As if that weren’t enough, then you flat-ironed it, shaved tracks into the side, fashioned the top into a faux hawk, or all of the above. Maybe your mullet is black and pink, maybe it is blonde and red, maybe you’ve paired it with sweet guyliner and super skinny jeans. I don’t really care what other shitty trend you’re grouping this with, this is a terrible idea you had. A TERRIBLE IDEA.
As if seeing these monstrous hairstyles all over Barcelona hadn’t been horrifying enough for me, I travel a hop, skip, and a jump across the Canadian border the other day only to realize that the concert I am attending has a crowd that is possibly 40% comprised of Canadian kids with fashion mullets. Seriously? Oh you are going to look back on old pictures of yourself within two years and be soooo embarrassed. SOOOO embarrassed.
Here’s the thing, it’s not really business in the front, party in the back. There is nothing stylish about this. You don’t look cool. You are actually so desperate to be different, or something, that you’re sporting a poorly updated version of a hairstyle that never looked good to begin with. You might be better off copying the Farrah Fawcett look, I mean, you’ll still look totally ridiculous but at least at some point in history people actually thought that was hot. It became white trash to feather the front layers of your hair years later. Mullets, I am not so sad to say, have been white trash since day one. Since day one and it is never changing.

Stop this. Stop this immediately. If it isn’t Halloween I do not want to see you in a costume for any other reason you might attempt to come up with. I do not care if there is an awesome movie coming out. I do not care how excited you are about the fact that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out tonight. I bought the book. I saw the last movie…at midnight even. I admit to my own dorkiness, but did I wear a costume to these events? No. No, I did not. Not only do i not own the items necessary to create a costume for these occasions, but I am not going to go buy them because honestly, if you’re wearing a costume to a movie premier, a book release, or anywhere you may be going other than trick-or-treating on October 31st you’re obviously a complete asshole.
Let me tell you this, if you’re going out in public wearing a cape you damn well better be coming home with a big bag of possibly poisoned candy given to you by neighborhood strangers. If you’re donning a cape for anything less, I hope you have no friends and attend Star Trek conventions because if that’s not your present it is definitely your future. I hate you and your role playing games and your overly spirited attitude toward things that should pass time not fill time.

Sometimes new fashion trends are revolutionary. Sometimes people start wearing things and years later it still looks good.
Other times, designers put their models on runways in cuffed shorts and stiletto heels. I am not totally sure who started this, but if i could trace it back to the beginning, please believe I’d cut this idea off at its source. Why take a casual clothing item most frequently and most appropriately worn by children or more athletic adults and combine it with impractical footwear? I don’t understand. Shorts, for function, not fashion, mixed with shoes clearly made for fashion, not function.
In the photo to the left Victoria Beckham has decided to provide a glowing example of the worst thing to hit America this summer. Not everything on the runway is a good idea, Posh.
Here’s the deal, girls: wear your shorts to the gym and your fancy shoes out on the town, but do not look like you tried to find a multi-purpose outfit practical for both campfires and dance clubs. Don’t believe everything you read. you look like a little kid who broke into mommy’s closet and couldn’t reach anything but the shoes.

I know, I know; I am turning into the bitch who tells people how to act. I don’t care.
Here’s the thing, I have barely more than half the hearing capacity of a normal human being, and yet i still find myself wishing for quiet in most situations. If I think you’re being too loud, what must everyone else be hearing?
Exhibit A: Sporting Events. Cheering, clapping, and shouting are to expected. “Shoot the puck!” “Scoooore Wooooo!” This is fine. Why, why dear god, is there always some idiot girl (always a girl) who is SCREAMING? Not cheering, not yelling, not shouting, but actually forcing a blood curdling scream that I’d personally reserve for a situation in which I found myself in immediate mortal danger, like perhaps if someone was stabbing me to death.
You’re not spirited when you scream like this. No one appreciates your excitement or dedication to the team. You are being disruptive. Take your cue from those around you and cheer like a normal sports fan.
Exhibit B: Large Concerts. Pretty much review the above only replace all the sports references with “your favorite pop star” or “those eyeliner wearing dorks in fall out boy.” Chances are if you fall into this category you’re a teenage girl. There is even a chance that the people falling into this category are being escorted by supposedly mature adults. This is where we return to the ever important concept of CONTROLLING YOUR CHILD. If your 13 year old daughter emits a deafening scream, tell her to cut the shit. Don’t let her scream because “she is having fun.” That’s not fun. Screaming is tiring and painful. Cheering and singing along is fun. This is not difficult to understand.
The most important thing to understand is that the people around you ALSO paid for tickets to the event you are disrupting. On the rare occasion that I blow $90 on a concert ticket, I damn well better hear Alicia Keys singing and playing her piano instead of the four twenty-something girls screaming their guts out behind me. If I wanted to listen to women screaming unnecessarily I would watch porn or listen to Walls of Jericho. Shut the fuck up.

After another long weekend in the restaurant business, I naturally find myself with more to say. I’m gonna cut the bullshit right out of here and get straight to the goods:

When a server is taking your order, don’t keep your head down and speak into your menu. THE SERVER CAN’T HEAR YOU. I am not asking you to stand and shout, but speak at a reasonable volume and preferably don’t have something in or in front of your mouth that will muffle your speech. If you can’t order at a volume and clarity the server will hear, don’t act like you’re annoyed when you’re asked to repeat yourself. Wouldn’t you rather the server heard what you said and you got the right food? Help me help you. Jesus.

Ladies, why are your purses on the floor BEHIND your chair? Do your belongings mean nothing to you? Did you walk into the restaurant and immediately think “perhaps if I set my purse down in this walkway some waitress with sauce-covered shoes will step on it and destroy the bag and its contents! wouldn’t that be fun!?” If you don’t have an extra chair at the table to set it on, between seats or in front of you at your feet are probably more appropriate places than where people are walking.

Another question, why is your blackberry on the table? Even better, why is your $500 iphone on the table? Now chances are, the server won’t spill on the table – but you will. Furthermore, if you’re dumb enough to leave an expensive electronic device on a restaurant table, you’re probably dumb enough to cause the server to drop something, or to grab something off a tray causing the entire thing to pitch sideways…speaking of which…
I know you think the tray with allll the draft beers on it is heavy and you are trying to help, but there is a very careful balance going on when someone is carrying a flat tray with open glasses of heavy liquid. When the server removes a glass, he or she will adjust his or her hand beneath the tray to keep it steady, when you grab a glass off the tray – it falls. Let us remove the drinks from the tray, we’ll appreciate your help as you help us pass them out. Really.

The majority of American restaurants don’t have clamato juice to make bloody caesars. For all you confused Canadians, there is no plum sauce either.

Sentences that begin with the word “gimme” are not made polite by the addition of the word “please” at the end. I am not saying that servers need to hear “may I please have…” in order to not think you’re rude, but if you’re asked what you want, simple replying with the name of the item and the word please is sufficient. Here is a conversation I had recently:
“Can I get you anything else?”
“Gimme a water and get me a plate of sliced limes to go with it…please”

You may feel the urge to tell me that I am being a little ridiculous about what I expect of restaurant guests, but here’s the problem with that. I never broke any of these rules even before I had experience in the industry. For most people in any normal situation, common sense kicks in and people find it effortless to behave completely appropriately. For every bad customer, there are five good ones, but the bad ones can trigger a chain of event that lower the quality of everyone’s experience. I’m just saying, your servER is not your servANT. Learn how to be. It’s not that hard.

Let me just enlighten you here, THE ACTORS CAN’T HEAR YOU. I am sure that they are totally thrilled that you enjoyed the movie. The director appreciates that you bought a ticket and got your money’s worth. The other people in the theater (my friends and I) don’t need to be deafened by a round of applause at the end of the pre-recorded, edited, and screened film. As a matter of fact, the only thing we moviegoers need less than a round of applause at the end of the film is one right in the middle of the film. I know you’re pumped about Transformers and Optimus Prime’s first appearance was a big deal for you. Sit, enjoy it, smile. Don’t clap. I paid ten dollars to see whichever movie I am seeing and when you clap through dialogue you’re wasting my money and yours. I don’t want to sound like a total killjoy, but there is a time and a place for applause, and it’s not at any point during any movie.
Consider this post a warning to those of you attending screenings of Harry Potter this coming week. Your need to applaud people who are not in the building is ridiculous, and so is your need to wear a cape – but we’ll get to that another time.

I’m sorry, but have you had some sort of accident? Cancer patients aside, this is unacceptable. Did you really wax or shave your real eyebrows completely off of your face and then draw them back on in an unnatural location/shape/color/etc.? I can’t understand the motivation behind such an act.
In high school I knew a girl who did this and realized it was a bad idea after someone referred to her eyebrows as “the golden arches,” since she drew them in near-perfect half circles. Now, that was high school, and still most of us knew better. Just days ago I encountered a grown woman who was sporting some oddly shaped and clearly fake eyebrows. I had to have a polite conversation with her, all the while choking back laughter.
How am I supposed to take you seriously when you have clown makeup on your face? How? If you were a clown, a very successful drag queen, or perhaps some sort of very extravagant non-clown performer in cirque do soleil or something this look could be excusable, but chances are you’ve got no excuse. You probably looked in the mirror and thought you looked fantastic. Luckily for everyone, I am here to tell you that you that eyeliner is for your eyelids, brow liners are to fill in your existing eyebrows if they are very thin, and there is not a product really designed for redrawing the eyebrows you’ve removed because YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT.
For anyone who is currently trying to rock this look, I just want to say that every single smiling face you see every day of your life is smiling for the sole reason that it’s the closest they can get to pretending they aren’t trying their hardest not to have a laughing fit at your expense. Just shade them in in the right place, they’ll grow back in a few weeks.